HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Late Night Melancholy

IT FEELS LATE. AND I don’t want any more dreams like that, to wake up in lemon-fresh sunlight feeling so mournfully down.

And I forgot to tag anyone with the six weird things. So I tag everyone & Chipper (who I emailed).

Laundretta was lying drunk out of her brains on the stairs when I came in from the chicken shop about an hour ago. Had to go about five minutes out of my way (avoiding the one that fries in pig-fat) for the one that does two pieces, chips and can of orange (excellent for turning cyder into punch) for “only” £1.99. Yeah, yeah, I bet you Americans can get the same for $1.99. Wouldn’t surprise me at all. One thing I hear over and over about the US of A is $1=£1 in spending power. Though I have to say, reading the prices in American magazines, this is not the case. And my friend Tommy Tired went to Manhattan to stay some years back. He said a loaf of bread and some eggs were $3.95 or something extraordinary. But maybe he bought them in the NYC equivalent of Harrods’ food halls.

Well I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to sit on my own without the warming glow of the computer. There is no television. One day I will explain just why I stopped watching it. I’m not one of those bourgeois “no telly in our house”-ites … oh that is a long story. Not into it now. The radio of course is babbling away as ever. There is always the Chinese mouse for entertainment. He was very naughty today. When I panicked, believing my landlord was going to come thundering upstairs into my room I piled some paperback books into his tank, which sits on a cupboard unless I take it down. With books inside it just looks like a scruffy bit of my clutter, you see. Anyway, at some point today the swine got up, got a liking for the back cover of one and had a good nibble at it. Which serves me right really. I could let him out for furry Scalectrix I suppose, but I’m not up for the stress of him running away. So usually I only let him run about on me.

I do not want anybody’s company. Other people don’t help me when I’m in a mood like this. When it gets past 2am, we’re into the dead part of night. My local shops stay open, but the streets are bare during those hours ’tween two and five-thirty.

Wish I could find a good book to read. But I don’t always have the attention span. I actually find it easier to write than to read things closely. Which does make sense when you consider it. I mean, be honest, folks: How many of us would rather talk than listen —? Be frank!! Well there you have it.

Well I’m going to go now… And go to Innesfree… Yeah. Hmmm. Lough Neagh was on the radio today. Biggest body of water in the UK & Ireland. Maybe I could drown myself there. O you’re getting stupid now… Okay shuttup man. Shut UP. Wish I could think up a good joke to finish on. Well the only one I can come up with is an old lollypop stick one. What happened when the frog’s car broke down?

It got toad away.



RUTH said...

A bit of W B Yeats eh....that's incredible that the next blog button was MINE!!!
Now you and hammy get some sleep....at least if you dream you've got tomorrows (or should I say todays) post sorted! Failing that go to Jen & Cazz's blog....
http://jenschronicles.blogspot.com/...Good jokes there

Gledwood said...

I promise to try...

(But that's a Madonna song.)

Gledwood said...

Think I will go to the jokes instead.

Ferd said...

Hello Gled

Glad you’re about again. Your sites very blue –which is good- almost as good orange.

I read somewhere, or heard elsewhere that houses in dreams represented you –well not you particularly- I was going to put oneself but it made me sound like her regalness!

Well anyway and also the other piece of information stored in my grey matter and filed under it may come in handy and do you know? Is: Images in dreams mean what you feel about them...

For instance your hamster to you is your cuddlesome one, to me lunch. You may like soaking in a warm bath, to me soaking in a warm bath means death failing that severe lacerations and a trip to casualty for the being that tries it...!

Yours Ferd: Sailing by.

Deb said...

I gave up on TV too except sports/documentaries.

So many things you say ring true.

tkkerouac said...

Blimey, your a limey. Where are you from? My mother was born in Manchester.

IVY said...

I had a strong urge to call you on the phone today and I was going to but I didn't have your number.

IVY said...

Where are YOU now that I need you, want you, are looking for you, I'm typing in the little comment box, ding, ding, bling?

IVY said...

You and your little dog toto. You and your crazy dream that wasn't that crazy.

gledwood said...

I'm from London.!!.. Born just outside London. Lived all over the place (over here).

Manchester was a supercool place in the early 90s. I think there was a massive club called the Hacienda... And Manchester University got 3 times as much applications after about 1991 bc everyone wanted to bathe in its pixielight. (Pixies had nothing to do with it. More like funny tablets if you ask me...)

gledwood said...

Also. Do you know Oasis. Any band who can be CRITICIZED for sounding too much like the Beatles... well they ain't doing too much wrong...

gledwood said...

They were from Manchester.

Oh & Ivy I don't know a little dog called Toto but i DO know the Wicked Witch of the West!!!!!!!!!!!

RUTH said...

The whole reason I like Oasis is because they sound like the Beatles!

Deb said...

love them

Gledwood said...

Exactly. But you know what, some people gotta criticize something...

Gledwood said...

... How can you criticize something for being too GOOD? -??

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood