HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Bleak Saturday

THIS WAS ONE OF MY DARK DAYS, today. Just like the bad old days when I lived day to day close to rock bottom, laid out (metaphorically) on the street and bashing my head on the pavement. Knowing that living like this, I simply could not go on.

I'd taken my methadone in good time. And yet still, when I awoke, was shivering with chills. I felt ill all day. When my dealer called at 9.30 and I hit him for tick, I knew he wasn't coming though he kept claiming all through the day that he was just going to be another "hour". I drank more meth and went back to bed. Woke after midday still unwell.

This was a hopelessly bleak day. Even when I did make £10 and rang another dealer all I got was an earful of attitude. For a measly £10 (well it was a lot of money to me!) he wasn't going out of his way. I would have to go out of mine.

No buses were running except ones so hopelessly packed you'd imagine a call ahd gone out to evacuate this rotten town. I didn't have my Oyster (swipe) card on me. Walked home which took over an hour. Too exhausted almost to climb the stairs.

Did ride the bus which was furnace-hot from home to this garage he demanded I meet him at. When I got there and found a callbox (eventually) in working order the dealer was all thanks that I'd made the effort. (Strange creature.) Literally on putting down the receiver his runner cycled past. So I got sorted. A torturously packed bus appeared nearly straight away. Home and nearly tearful. Plugged gear into vein. And the whole charade was ended.

All I tell myself is: this cannot go on.

I can't live like this ANY MORE.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone I have little time I will get back to everyone Monday.

Deb said...

well we're here, waiting. I have nothing but time at the moment so I'm not going anywhere. Hang in there...you're at that crossroads and I think you'll find your way soon. this just can't be all there is for you. XO

aniii7 said...

Hi now you can look at my blog- it is in english. Your blog is very interesting, but I think you're have to much troubles.
I'm going to bed, it's late now. Good night than...
Ania

RUTH said...

I think you're coming to the stage where you really need to make the decision to stop the drugs. I know it's easy for me to say and I know how difficult it will be for you. It's Mick's birthday today and when I think how hard he is clinging to life it hurts me to see someone like you with so much to offer throwing yours away. Is there any way I can help?; even if it's only over the net.
{{HUGS}}
Rx

rowan said...

Why wasnt the methadone working.And where are you getting it from, a clinic? I'm confused. your dates sometimes seem like they come from the abstract or from memory or like you write down something that happened six months ago. but them there is an urgency so it'slike you wrote it today or want to think you did.
You no at my siteso much no more.Miss you.
I hope you try getting on a methadone clinic.Im finally stabilizing out. It's not so bad, really.

rowan said...

For those of you who think she cna just"quit"those arent her options. Either clinics,bupremorphine, or a3 month inpatient program which costs tons. unless her insurance covers it. ANd even then.But with herlevel of intake there is no going back. I wish people would medically understand that. Maybe it's been done. By one out of a million junkies? I dont know.

Nicole said...

Gled, you're right, it can't go on like this... but it's only by your own choice that it goes on and it can only be by your own choice that it changes. You can do it.

slaghammer said...

I hope you find happiness whatever choice you make.

Deb said...

gled....stumbled across this place and thought you might find it kind of interesting. Check it out when you get time.

Women on the Verge said...

Hang in there and know that there are lots of people pulling for you...and we'll be here...

E

rowan said...

fh;k;fucku fthfgh

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood