HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Chewsday: Wot I Ate

ANSWER: LOADS AND LOADS OF fried Chicken Nuggets & tomato ketchup in wholemeal pitta ...

WELL THAT'S A BETTER TITLE THAN "Tuesday not very much news day" which I was going to put up. That's another thing that spurred me on to write was listening to the radio and some two-bit novelist (must have been 2-bit else I'd recall his name) was yarning with the interviewer saying titles were really hard to come by (not at all true, I start with a title and the imagery it evokes and begin with that) he also said creating believable characters was a challenge (absolutely not so they are the lifeblood of my stories). I'm outing myself here aren't I? Because I have actually written before it's just that none is published (and a lot lost/unfinished/etc) I don't care for my juvenillia because that's what it is, very immature works that might perhaps show promise but I feel no yearning whatsoever to go back over them all. I'm after pastures new ...

So you all loved my Killer Wasps vid!??! Good!!...

Had a painfully long drug counselling session with a replacement worker today: she was a nurse and said I seemed depressed and asked me a lot of questions that only made me feel worse. I just wanted to get out of there and time was dragging by. I absolutely loathe being in such situations. Thankfully I don't have to come back for another fortnight.

My friend Ivy is worried about her breasts not looking very nice. Ivy if you can give the precise url to the photo I'll link it up but the photograph has gone from your blog so I don't know what to do and the "my clonipin hallucination" link you gave doesn't get me to them either ...

Not like me to have said nothing yesterday. Inspiration is draining from me as far as blogging goes ... so typical of me, so typical I won't say another word about it. (Okay, let me qualify that. I'll not say another word today ...)

Thanks for all the comments on the hornets vid. It's lovely to be loved. Did y'all notice how armour-plated these killer insects actually are? Whereas a normal yellowjacket wasp's abdomen works on a telescopic principle, each segment kind of fitting inside the last (how do I know this? I survived all last summer with a nest somewhere in the eves near my room and regular four a.m. attracted-to-the-light divebombing onslaught... And the black and yellow aren't actually in alternate bands though of course that's how we'd depict a cartoon wasp. Actually the two colours are mixed in a waspy peach-melba kind of way (click here to see what I mean) ... But these actually are black-yellow-black-yellow fully bulletproofed in their bulging armour-plating way (click here to see one on somebody's hand)... how they ever curve their body to sting a honeybee which is five times shorter than themselves is a mystery of physiology to me ... no wonder they merely resorted to biting their heads off!! Anyone who still hasn't seen it must click here for the insect-wars experience of your life!!

I'm off now to make sure I've linked up Ivy's breasts properly. See you later ...

PS Click here to see a genuine iron maiden "cabinet" device ... (clue for the squeamish: it's not a rock-n-roll band ...)

5 comments:

RUTH said...

Apologies to Alison Moyet but you sound "All blogged out". Instead of blogging about the book/novel/poems you're going to do ; why don't you start now! Would hate to see you resort to ...
I'm getting WED Wednesday or FRIED fish for dinner Friday! Notice how I left out TURDSDAY for the sake of decency...lol
Rx

Gledwood said...

Yeah I'm all blogged out my head has started spinning again like it used to when I was not so used to computer screens ...

Gledwood said...

Thanxx for the advice Ruth
xx

Lovs2Knit said...

Cool video. Thanks for popping in on my site. Between blogging, knitting, and my family I stay pretty busy. :~)

Anonymous said...

Facing feelings is tough but mandatory at some point, I think. This from a woman who spent the past 18 months trying to not feel anything about my breast cancer. Time to pay the piper, for me.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood