HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 16, 2007

Down But Not Yet Out

WOKE UP SO DEATHLY-DULL THIS AFTERNOON (yes, that late) that I could not get my head around three of the simplest chores. Eventually I got round to the first of them: hair-washing, which I did in one of the two sinks in my room. The water went a gratifying shade of black; that's all I can say. The second chore involved gorcery shopping. Being broke didn't matter as I had vouchers. I did remember the chocolate Nesquik and deodorant.

Whatever task #3 was I never shall know; it never got done (or else my memory is even worse than I thought).

Now,as midnight approaches or has passed I ponder the imponderable ... Okay this is what I'm wondering: how am I going to feel better when I give up heroin, the only joy in life I have?

No wonder I feel down. My life is rack and ruin. I'm seeing my Mum on Sunday and stressing already about coming up with an entire outfit free of ciggie-burns and bloodstains.

Well I have a good book to read. As I said ysterday, it surprised me that I found it so engaging especially on the face of it with four such lacklustre characters with such dull lives. If you want to know what grabbed me, there you have it. They all somehow remind me of myself!!!

9 comments:

Gledwood said...

IVY my phone is dead I need to get a new battery at least and this I can only do next week. Please bear with me till then ...

Wayward Son said...

So I am reading your post here and thinking to myself that based only on your funny description the book you are reading sounds like Barbara Pym. When I used to not be able to breath unless I was reading some book or another, I discovered her while I was living in NYC and visiting a friend out in Jersey. I perused his library of novels and became hooked on her after reading one of her books from his collection. I don't remember what it was about—I never do—but I do remember that I loved the cadence in her writing. It had this unique pace to it. All she seem to write about was different slices of life and not particularly grand nor tragic slices. She is the only author I can say I ever enjoyed because I liked the way she wrote but was indifferent about the story. It IS about how she portrays the characters—they seemed familiar yet about someone I didn't know who lived in a country I was not familiar with... at least not the kind of familiarity derived from one of her books. The stories all started from somewhere and just seemed to end somewhere else with no hint the story or book was over with except for the few pages left to turn.

I was totally wowed by that. Now that I have read on and it is, in deed, Barbara Pym you are reading, i am stunned.Not too long ago the coincidence would have made me edgy. Now it makes me feel connected.

You go boy. Ms Pymn. My take on her writing inspired the title of my now garaged blog, Life Sliced Thin, Stories from the more visceral side of life. It's a catchy title, no? I just can't be spending all my time writing about that crap any more.

Stay the you that you are, my friend.

WS

Deb said...

I don't know gled...I don't think heroin sounds like a joy in your life. I think it's sucking the joy out of your life, but maybe you just can't see that right now. I honestly think you'll rediscover true joy (in little things) if you get off it. But wtf do I know? I just think it's wearing you down that's all.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

You'll find joy in living without heroin, if you look for it. Good friends are a geat asset on that journey. Keep them close.

Peaceful/Paisible said...

hello dear, haven't visit you for some time...come on, heroin is not your friend, or at least a bad one...you're worth more than that...hold on...
take care
love from Mousie
how is your mousey?

RUTH said...

I agree with Debs; I know you feel that heroin is "keeping" the joy in your life...but if you could only get off it....there are so many other less hamful joys that you will have the time and energy to pursue.
((hugs))
Rx

Michele Boselli said...

ciao

Anonymous said...

You're going to feel better because you'll actually be able to *feel* something other than medicated. You can do it.

Unknown said...

I agree with other commentors here, that there is life after Heroin, but life *with* the drug contains a certain joy which is difficult to explain to someone who hasn't used.

Gledwood, the post reminds me of a André Malraux quote about opium: "Opium teaches only one thing, which is that aside
from physical suffering, there is nothing real."

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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