HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 02, 2007

In Between

I BOUGHT A BOOK THIS MORNING. It is a thriller called Just One Look by my favourite writer of thrillers: Harlan Coben. Somehow because it's by him (or just becaus it's good) I genuinely can sit down and concentrate upon it and read on and be fascinated and involved. And it taught me one other thing regarding my own bestselling novel. I have been walking around you see feeling constipated. That feeling a bird must feel when it has an entire clutch of eggs inside it and just wants to expel them in the feathered nest ... that's how I feel about my own project (which I am not mentioning here from now on until it is finished (or never done at all)). Here's the Harlan Coben blurb condensed: Grace Lawson is living a happy life in the suburbs with her husband Jack and two young children ... within 12 hours Jack has disappeared and a brutal hitman is stalking his family. All Grace can see is that the past is coming back to haunt the present -- and the safe world she knows has been turned upside down ... Intriguing perhaps but hardly groundbreakingly original. And that's just how mine feels. So I'm more minded to go ahead and write it now. Because it's not the tale that counts (you can write that on the back of a cigarette packet) ... it's all in the telling ...

Nicole said I worry too much about what people think. This is most definitely true. However conversely I do not care at all what people think about me. The distinction is this: I care what others feel far more than I care what they feel about me. Because at the end of the day people are going to dislike me whatever I do so why worry? Am I making sense here?

I'm glad Debs is feeling better. She was really ill for a while.

And I got a hit from New Caledonia the other day. Who was that? Come back to me New Caledonian one and tell me who you are ..!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Quote GW: "Because at the end of the day people are going to dislike me whatever I do so why worry? Am I making sense here?"

No, because I don't think it's true :-)

Deb said...

Often people who rain on other's parades are really unhappy with themselves. The thing is, your enthusiasm is infectious and it makes others around you want to be excited about something, so when they pull you down they're pulling us down as well.

Thanks for the well wishes...getting better each day.
Actually going to work today...back later. Have a good read. XO

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds; know you like finding interesting blogs....here's one for you
http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/
Olive is 107 years old. Could this be a record!!!
Have a great weekend
Rx

Women on the Verge said...

okay Gledwood... I'll make a deal with you. I'll start working on my project (and you're right, it DOES feel like you're driven to birth it) if you'll work on yours. And believe me, that's HUGE cause it's been stored away in a drawer for at least 5 years. My husband just shakes his head and tut tuts. I want to strangle him.

Ethel

Whitenoise said...

Gled, everyone likes you. That's why we're here. Everyone can see that you have the talent and that the book is inside you. We'd buy copies, we'd recommend the read to friends.

What makes it frustrating, though, is that as much as we'd like to read it, most of us are thinking that we probably never will because your addition will steal it from us.

Addictions are like that. They are insidious, initially providing the artist with a muse, initially stimulating the creative process.

Slowly, stealthily, they grow within that artist, robbing his power and stealing his soul. In the end, they leave an empty shell.

Juliusz of Oz. said...

Hi Gledwood,

Do you remember at the end of last year your doubts as to who will read your blog? I guess you got your answer.

For now I have to catch up with reading you so see you.

J

Juliusz of Oz. said...

I am back Gled,

I am trying to learn how to best help 10 year h addict (not my family) with already few trials of going off etc. Do you like taking on private email or you prefer to post everything here?

I will read more. The stuff here your wrote is precious although not very pleasant it hurts and any true stuff does. I am a second hand English speaker (original Polish) so have consideration for that.

Love you mate.

Anonymous said...

People are going to dislike you no matter what you do?

Or not. Note to Gledwood: Work on self esteem. :-)

Anonymous said...

I am not after pleasing anyone. He calls for help so thats what I want to do... He says: "Everybody is against me". ??? How to make good?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood