HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Surveillance Society

HAVE YOU EVER GOOGLED your own name? Try it. I'm not talking blognames here. I mean full-on birth-cert appellations. You shall be shocked at 1. how you share your name (if it is unusual) with more people than you ever realized possible and 2. how very much information on these people and their careers Google and the worldwideweb between them have succeeded in amassing. Try your entire name, middle names and all and prepare to be shocked. Far more details than you ever thought it fair for others to know might well be sitting there just waiting to be tapped ...

Harlan Coben, in his thriller Just One Look, has his characters googling their own phone numbers. I tried this several times this morning with several acquaintances' digits. Honestly, my friends, you need to try this for yourself if you've not done it before, the results will make you wonder ...

All I can say is, I admit it. Until recently I seriously did not grasp just how microsmall this diminishing global village of ours has actually become. I honestly had no idea. I always knew, of course, that all manner of what we rightly consider personal data was available to those with the connexions, the hacking ability and the sheer bloodyminded persistence to access it. What I didn't realize was how very much Google and its competitors carry for all to poke their noses into freely and without any special knowledge, passes, people you need to know or special techniques to access. I've just tapped in details of some of the old friends I want to get back in touch with. One (and I'm not at all surprised) is still as computer-illiterate as ever. Her query, something like "how do I print out an email" is there on Google for all to ridicule and cackle at...

Food for thought, don't you think? But is it nourishment or poison??

PS for a fascinating blog go to http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/ -- lifestory of a 107 year old Aussie lady!! (Thanxx to Ruth who told me the url.)

12 comments:

S said...

Yeah it's scary. But you can opt-out of alot of that stuff if you find your info on the web. (well they say you can opt-out.. they probably in reality put your name in some kind of "ah..so they don't want us snooping on them eh?" file.. ;p

junky said...

my proper name doesn't really show up with anything pertaining to me I've used an alias since the dawn of the interwebs, my real name does bring up a sixties bit actor, and a raher eccentric English sculptor.

How you been Gled I've not been around much.

Deb said...

There are a lot of people with the same name as me...which is good, I can blend into the woodwork.

claire said...

heee gledwood, how are you? i have a question,do you know how to put a video on the blog? i tried to find in help, but no clear answers on that. can you help me? chau! besos, claire

Edyta said...

Hey!
Werent you just sweet to drop into my blog?
Firstly abt S. King's phraze; i think that he meant that for example if u asked a loved one how did u look, he'd say u looked okay, cuz the last thing he wanted was to hurt ya. & an enemy would say the truth, cuz they wouldnt care abt ur feelings. Something like that. But yes, i agree with you, this phraze is true...errm... up to a point. But i like it still. Gives thoughts, ya know?
Secondly, I have tried googling for my own name. I am:
a) a polish writer
b) a prize winning contestant
c) a successful school headmaster
not bad, huh? LOL. espesh if i dream to become an author myself :D
Anyway, regarding to the 107 yr old aussie's blog, i'd say: do not be afraid of death, be afraid of not living!
marvelous blog u have, truly. i'd love it we stick around & exchange links. lemme know :)
Good luck.
PS. Sorry for being massive. It's a habbit.

RUTH said...

I'll have to have a go at that; I wonder how many me's there are!

Eve Grey said...

If I do my full name including middle, nothing is found. If I do just my first & last i'm a very accomplished journalist, gymnast, author, doctor, lawyer, cellist and my personal favourite, equestrian. What surprised me the most though was when I put in my city, the real me was there twice on the first page. It's weird to see.

Unknown said...

I like googling my own name in part to see who else has my name. A baseball player, for instance, some dude in New Zealand. It's pretty cool.

RUTH said...

WOW...my name has a web site of paintings!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Hi gledwood, how are u?
Interesting post. I've used internet and google to successfully look up at least 6 old friends including one whom I haven't seen for 26 years. Amazing. It helped that most of them were either scientists or academicians and therefore had some material publication on line. One friend was found by placing an insult (inside joke) on a bulletin board that I guessed he would frequent. However, 2 friends have completely evaded the google radar.

Anonymous said...

I got nothing. Just a couple of petitions I signed online and part of a conversation in a Yahoo group I once belonged to. Very unusual name I have. Take care!

Gledwood said...

Awww! I will always find that squirrel picture cute. And squirrel is one of my favourite words in the language ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood