HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Exhausted again

WHAT'S NEW? All I did was go out visiting today. And got back at 5pm. NOT what I had been planning on doing...

O man what IS new? Well I'm not suddenly magic-wandically 100% CLEAN that has not happened.

I'm not as depressed as I was.

Er... and yeah they said it's one of the hottest days of the year today, even though it's only 28C which is only around 80F and I'm sure it went up to 37/38C which is 100F this year (if not, then last). Now THAT felt meltingly hot. Especially for anyone unlucky enough to be caught on board a London bus!

The Trottertubbies are fine. All they do is ping ping ping round and round their house like a miniature horse-race...

O yeah and I'm exhausted. Slept for a good 12 hours last night and still feel like I could do the same again...

... well I'd better go, else this will never get posted and I will never be able to reply to my comments. Take care everyone lots of love

xx

PS 私はまだ日本語学習します
(I'm still learning Japanese) (and no I can't vouch for the veracity of that though it does say 私は (I) 日本語 (Japanese) and study... I got it from Google translate. My big excuse for not writing anything myself is that ... well how on EARTH would I input in Japanese script..?!? dur!!

12 comments:

sally in norfolk said...

at least your up and about which is a good sign :-)

Gledwood said...

yes you're right, tar!!

;->...

CrystalChick said...

It was wonderful to hear from you today!
Less depressed is good. One day at a time!
I don't know what the temp is here today, lately it's just been soooo muggy. We get alot of humidity, so even when it's not real hot it feels it.

Baino said...

Gleds I think you're fibbing! My daughter is in Wilsden Green and it's not THAT hot! Good to see you on your feet as for 12 hours sleep . . .I want some! Good to have you back. Did you make the NA meeting?

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

well, i am flattered indeed that you took a moment to post on my blog...which i haven't used for awhile...

so, what's this about meetings and being at least partially clean? is that what you're going for? if so, congrats; i'll be supporting you all the way. myself...i went to one meeting about a month ago...that's a start, i suppose, right? ;)

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

PS...it is about the same weather here, but i LOVE LOVE LOVE it! this girl is an urban surf chick all the way

Audrey said...

Enjoy the sunshine Gleds, great to hear your out and about. Well done for making the meeting......x Auds

Nicole said...

It's good to hear that you're doing okay Gled!

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what 28 degrees must feel like in a land that hasn't fully embraced AC. You couldn't pay me enough to get on the underground...urgh...so stuffy. Glad to hear that you are doing ok.

Monogram Queen said...

I am glad you are doing better. Man you woule REALLY mealt in this American Southeastern Heat. I would give anything for 80 temps!

Akelamalu said...

It was certainly VERY hot yesterday but the rain cooled it down somewhat. Good to hear you're feeling a little better honey. x

Gledwood said...

sorry I cannot reply individually as the bloody timer's about to cut me out

hey I posted a bit about the na meeting today

+ crack. I realized I've barely even mentioned crack. probably because CRACK IS CRAP

yeah I know we barely got temperature on international scales here but man! does it feel hot when it is hot!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood