HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Accidental Post

I'M ONLY POSTING BY ACCIDENT as I was stuck on a bus so desperate for a (cyder-induced) midday pee, I ended up jumping off here by the cybercaff instead of anywhere near home...

Now I had fantasized about posting something intellectual or sociologically meaningful today (but when has THAT ever happened?)...

So I shall keep this post mighty short and wish y'all (as per usual)


An exceedingly charming weekend!!!!



PS: Why is it, looking at a little boy peeing is somehow "cute" yet ogling a little girl doing the same might be equally well construed as faintly disgusting or even pervy..??


And now on to music. This first one reminds me of those summer evenings that seem to last for ever... reminds me of feeling genuinely happy ... (not drugged-up the way most "rave" music does...)

VIDEO:
KAOMA: LAMBADA
... isn't this one classic..?!?...
... The video's dated 1989... surely it came out in most Anglo-Saxon countries a long time after that..? I seem to remember it from the mid-1990s...




Those shots of kiddies dancing reminded me of this one... it's from a Spanish film called Cria Cuervos (Cry of the Crows)... this track was a hit all over Europe.

JEANETTE: PORQUE TE VAS

19 comments:

Nicole said...

I just found your comments on my blog and rushed back to your site for the chat thingy, but I think you've already gone.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ Thank you for posting an Accidental Post. And thanks for you visit to my blog and those birds are pretty well made and do look real
I hope you have a very charming weekend also. Take great care,
Love, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

I just got back off holiday Gleds, hence the long absence.

Thanks for the comment on Sophie's birthday memory, I appreciate it. xx

Gledwood said...

NIcole: I'd probably gone because I was in a net caff only for 0.5 hrs.... also had to get in replies to all the comments which took up nearly all the other time apart from posting...

Merle: my weekend is going OK, ta (as it goes...)

Akelamalu: hope you had a cheery time!!!

Ropi said...

I could get along with everyone extremely well in Scotland. Shop assistants were really helpful (my English is not good when i talk about foods) and they gladly helped. I ate a lot meat as usual.

Crushed said...

Never been to a cybercaff.

Brussels is renowned for its pissing boy statue- apparently a wealthy citizen's son went missing and he promised to give the finder a statue showing the finding of the boy.

Which he had to do :)

zubinsaxena said...

:o
...
mann...there is the difference right there...looking vs. ogling..answer is obvious.. :D

..nice song btw..its the first time I have heard them..!!

stumbled..! :)

Trixie said...

OMG, that first song took me back years! Gled I haven't been around for awhile, just to let you know I have 3 hamsters now, (1 chinese, 2 russian) and I'm getting addicted to them! (okay they are the kids, not mine, lol)

Trix. (aka Vi)

Rita said...

(For what it's worth, I don't enjoy watching anybody pee, quite the contrary.)

Hope you had a great weekend, too. It's raining here now, which is fantastic, because nature, our garden included, was getting really dry.

Greetings from rainy, cloudy, wonderfully refreshed Finland!

Janice said...

I don't think peeing is cute; girl boy, or young old, or dog. But somebody seem to or there wouldn't be so much of it on the TV and movies let alone those little statues of little boys peeing.

Janice~

Puss-in-Boots said...

Loved the Lambada...the real dirty dancing. Yes it did come out in 1989. I was still in New Zealand then and can remember it at the nightclubs.

Ropi said...

I posted by accident when I clicked to send post instead of save.

Bimbimbie said...

I liked the music from the Spanish video. Glad you and your mum finally made it to the King Tut exhibition. Amazing drinking ability of the little Pen-tailed tree shrew, bet it walks better than your average wine drinker too ;)

M- Filer said...

aw, I am really cute when I pee, so much so, that I made a video.


not really

Gledwood said...

Ropi: ah but did they have VEGETABLES in Scotland?... I bet not!!

Crushed: ... hang on I don't get this: so they found the missing boy PISSING..??!??

ZBSX: that is a most exotic name you got there! Yeah looking/ogling: I kindov let myself fall into that one

Trixx: do the different hamsters play together? the most highly strung and the most laid back hamsters I have ever seen have been Chinese

also all my friends thought it was a deformed mouse..(!!)

Gledwood said...

Rita: so it's peeing from the clouds down your way~!!!

Janice: hmmm I know what you mean... if I were astonishingly rich I think I might WELL have a swimming pool with stone little boys constantly pissing into it each end...

Pussinboots: strange it wasn't as much of a hit in the UK and I'm pretty sure it didn't chart here till the mid-90s (I may be totally wrong: but 1989 was the year of Madonna's Like a Prayer and I certainly don't remember Lambada from THEN...)

Ropi: ur?

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: it's Brazillian Portuguese not Spanish! I would love to be able to speak Brazillian Portuguese it's like Spanish put through a funk-machine!

Mfiler: yeah but when I'm rich I'm still going to have a mansion like the Versace villa in Miami... a glory to OTT vulgarity in the most stylish of ways (not tacky, just over-garnished)... yes and I shall have boy statues peeing in my pool 24-7 most definitely

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood