HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, August 11, 2008

General Anaesthesia

IT WAS A GENERAL ANAESTHETIC of a weekend. All I seemed to do was sleep wake up for more oven chips and chicken pies (upturned, cut open, piled in with buttery mixed vegetables and showered with gravy)... then sleep once more. Once all this sleeping finished I was convinced I would be left wide awake all Sunday night and unable to sleep till too late Monday morning when I was due to be up anyway... but no! General anaesthesia took me yet again and I sloomed blissful as a baby till my alarm clock (yet another function of my mobile phone) intruded ungraciously at 08:44am.

No news of any tubby critters. I was heartily depressed when conscious and too leaden to do very much of anything. I didn't want to do anything and spent some gloomy minutes wondering how on earth "normal" people manage to work, have any semblance of lives plus do all the sleeping I have to do (which I don't want to do yet have to, simply to restore sanity...)

... and so I despaired ~ and slept once more.

Pingpong the Chinese hammy plus my robos urgently need cleaning out because they smell of wee-wees (too much scent-marking on the newspapers...)

I've had a skinpop of heroin so I'm feeling far better than yesterday. Also a drink down my throat did a similar trick...

At Mother Hubbard's there's a film on UKTV History about "the Forgotten Prince"... one of the Edwardian era's royal children who was epileptic. I do not know the names of any of the sonorous Shakespearean actors cast in this costume masterpiece (each shot framed like a Victorian oil painting)... yet Miranda Richardson appears to play the role of Queen...

PS: Does anyone know of any better clips of the 2008 Opening Ceremony to the 29th Olympiad at Beijing? Serves me right for posting without viewing all the way through: I had assumed my own clip (see next below) would progress beyond two metallic gentlemen in their underpants ... sadly not so!

PPS: Have a clickonthis: Sparkle Seahorse Shining :: a fantastic arty blog!

VIDEO:
NOT FROM ANY OLYMPICS... yet surely worthy of the greatest opening ceremony of all... this the THOUSAND HAND CHINESE DANCE ~ from my Random Vid Clips Blog is AMAZING... have a look:~


19 comments:

Baino said...

Fwooar! I get so frustrated with your skin pops of heroin! Clean out your hammies (trust me I've had mice and know the wee wee smell to well). I'm boycotting the Olympics well until I have a moment of weakness and the three day eventing starts. Top little 'armie' clip by the way. The Chinese are extremely disciplined when it comes to this sort of thing. Sleep? Perchance to dream . . .I envy your ability to sleep, bugger the dreaming! (sorry bit of a cranky pants tonight)

lime said...

another very cool video but still the gold blokes in their undies amazed me more.

Nicole said...

I love that hands dance. I have it bookmarked as a favourite on my YouTube channel.

Regarding how do "normal" people wake up every morning, go to work and do everything that needs doing? With great difficulty. Waking up at 7am, going to work and coming home after 6pm sucks the life out of me. I look forward to each weekend like it were Christmas.

Lucinda said...

Yeah, I don't know how anyone functions without sleep. I have found myself sleep most of the day away, waking up at 11 and then taking an afternoon nap for 4 hours and then going back to sleep that night. I would never be able to deal with insomnia, I really do need sleep.

Cleaning out cages has to be the worst part of owning rodents, but it must be done.

Skin popping... all I can think is owww... that must really hurt. I don't think I could do that, actually I probably could, but I'm hoping I never do.

Eileen said...

Sleep is something that I don't get enough of. It doesn't matter what time I go to sleep, my 9-5 work a day world consistently sets my internal clock to waking up at 7am. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Gledwood said...

Baino: I get frustrated with heroin too. It seems to dispensable... till I dispense with it. Then I just want it back. Sad I know...

Lime: really?

Nicole: I know. I bet you're cream crackered most of the time. I would be in your shoes...

What I remember most about sleep cycles and working was how I still woke at 7am even on Saturday when I really didn't need to %-/...

Lucinda:
Tearing the newspaper into the bowed shape of the robbies' fish tank is one of the greatest inconveniences. It has to be torn or cut right otherwise it rides up right at the front and you can barely see their nocturnal scuttlings... skinpopping: yeah I bought really skinpoppy gear ~ you can barely feel the "rush" from IVing though it's really gauwchy once you do get it in the system. Aparently it's "9/10" good. But I'm the worst judge of that. My body is an opiate-sponge it just sucks up all opiates and I get the most stinking tolerance like you would not believe...

Eileen: hey! just like I just said... I used to have that 7am syndrome really badly...

{;->...

Monogram Queen said...

Yes I hope you cleaned, that is a stinky smell from such small critters! I haven't watched a bit of the olympics. Not going to say a word about the skin pops of heroin.....

Gledwood said...

haven't cleaned yet... been totally waylaid online..!!

Akelamalu said...

Are you sure you're OK Gleds, you seem to be sleeping an awful lot?

gledwood said...

i think i'm ok, thanks

no idea at all why all that sleep

guess i must have been tired

also am on the go all day all the time and whenever stop unconsciousness seems to grab me like a disease...

tut-tut said...

Helloo! Thanks for all the nice comments, Gled. How did you manage to get an account? Prop yourself up and give the hamsters a swish.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gleds. Sounds like a little bit of depression...sleeping like that. Pity about the skinpop.

Loved that video of the hand dance...what great synchronisation, but the Chinese seem to be rather good at that sort of thing.

Hope the "sleepies" wear off and you get back to a normal wake/sleep cycle.

d. chedwick said...

Sleep is really marvelous. I have a plan to get extra sleep this week--we'll see how that pans out.

Take care of yourself, Gledwood...



As for your question about Amouage, it's OK ...it's about the same price as some of Guerlain's pure extraits. Plenty of good stuff around.

They claim with pride to still use stuff painfully squeezed from anal glands of small frightened caged animals. Most perfume houses stopped that squeezing animals butts business many decades ago.

d. chedwick said...

The Amouage people still squeeze--

Guerlain stopped in 1900 or so.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know I'm alive and well. Not blogging for the forseeable future. If my pc does turn on it blocks most things and too boracic to get anything done about it. Passed all my college course and hoping to go to Uni in September if I can get a part time job to fit in with it and keep my head above water...glug glug..LOL Love & Hugs
Ruth (me, my life, my garden)

Gledwood said...

TutTut: an a/c on the computer? By going far from home and closer to Mother Hubbard's house! None of the ones near my place seem to do anything better than computing by the hour, which really doesn't suit my style... I feel constantly pressed for time and have to ensure I log out properly before their system logs me out, which I really do not like

Pussinboots: the Chinese: they always have been good at all things mystical and illusionary...

I don't feel that depressed (well OK I did on Sunday)... it just seems that every time I stop and have nothing to do (ie weekends) I flake out for hours and hours and for ridiculous lengths of time...

D Chedwick: anal glands of frightened animals? o dear. having said that I would love to get my hands on some real musk. i've heard that one drop dripped into a wooden box and it STILL smells sweet 40, 50 years afterwards! is that true? also surely musk doesn't have to involve cruelty to be extracted? doesn't the male dear have a ball of it in his pubes?

Ruth: glad you = ok. college: excellent! ... what were you going to do at uni..??

Miss Understood said...

Rodent pee is the worst smelling pee I've ever smelled! (I had 3 rats and a hamster, once upon a time.) Having said that, cat pee is preyty dire too.

As for the skinpop....who am I to judge? We do what we feel we have to...or what we feel we have no choice in doing.

Take Care.

Gledwood said...

Roborovski pee is all right... quite harvesty in scent, and Chinese hamster pee smells of Herbal Essences shampoos!

House mouse piss is by far the worst!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood