HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Intellectual Librariantics

A DAY OF INTELLECTUAL DISCOVERY. I have so many ideas... I have been trawling the library to pursue them... research... (I have to research this book that I'm determined to write down. Determined.) ... Languages of the world... there are so many countries I want to visit and so many different languages I've wanted to speak... I have an abiding interest in antiquity, especially the ancient Near East... My study of the Bible piqued an interest in this, particularly Daniel, Ezra, Nehemiah (the Jewish exile) which were set in Babylon and the Medo-Persian empire... fascinating. I spent ages copying out the Hebrew alphabet but there weren't many good sourcebooks for studying that language (I think I'm going to have to seek out a specialist Jewish shop...) Then I got waylaid by showbusiness. Madonna. The library has barely anything about Elizabeth I and yet they have two volumes of Jordan's autobiography. Priorities, please! Also I got tired of the security guard prowling around like we readers were trespasssers on his private domain (and perish the thought that we might want to take a dreaded mobile phone call~ oo no that is too much) but the man who spent half an hour in the upstairs toilet with a queue of African exchange students rat-a-tatt-tatting ever more desperately on the door and then fled leaving it blocked with diarrhoea and the most gruesome pong rolling in an invisible putrid cloud past the Britannicas and into the maps reference section. Only when it reached the enquiry desk did loud exclamations arise and a large sign go up saying toilet out of order. Ooer I've got thoroughly waylaid now but it was a good day. Cheerio everybody.
Till tomorrow!

VIDEO:
Bringing to life surrealist art, this supposedly cost $5 million (I don't believe that)... it is one of Madonna's best though...


15 comments:

Lucinda said...

I love libraries. They're really nice when there's no one inside them. It reminds me of church without all the religious over tones.
Even better than libraries are used book stores. I sweat that I could live in one.
So if you couldn't tell, I love books. = )

Miss Understood said...

I love bookshops and I hate libraries. I hate being stared at by old women in tortoise shell glassses because I'm making too much noise turning over the pages.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Glad to see you looking up
things at the library and doing some research. I hope you can find what you are looking for. Thanks for your comments and
I am glad you got a laugh at the Bank
Robber joke. I am fine thank you, and I hope you are going OK also. Very Best Wishes, Merle.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ Yes - the Reason, Season and Lifetime was on my post and is the title of it. Maybe it didn't come through to you
I had 2 days last week when I couldn't open my own blog. Couldn't read blogs or comment, glad THAT is over Take care,
Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Lucinda: I agree... but I wish I could find an old bookstore. There used to be loads of them... ones stocking books on all subjects e.g. if you wanted a 1930s dry-as-dust "grammar" on classical persian you could find one... yes there are some stalls selling paperback bestsellers and modern stuff... and there on Charing Cross road in central London there are still "antiquarian" booksellers... but so many of those want absolute top dollar for anything they know has any rarity value

aargh!!

Miss Understood:
you're allowed to chat all you like: just NOT on a mobile phone. And what difference does THAT make? Nobody can tell...

Merle: (I never notice titles so THAT doesn't surprise me) but yes my glasses must have been mightily steamed up last night !!

Have you any idea what went wrong to stop you getting into your own blog? I have had similar problems using other people's computers... one in particular was just so slow it was impossible and every operation I tried to do just got gremlinified

Monogram Queen said...

I love the library too. We have actual policemen in ours but they stay up front.

That is just g-ross!!!!! Ewww I realize the person probably couldn't help it but Geez!!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I once spent hours upon hours exploring libraries. One of the reason I selected my undergraduate university was the size of its main library and collection of books and manuscripts. These days I spend my life in my own private library, surrounded by the 2000+ books I’ve amassed over the past 50 or so years. The only security guard I have here is my cat.

Gledwood said...

Monogram: Policemen in the library? Wow! Worst story I heard here was of library fines getting taken to a debt recovery "service" ~ surely not true!

As for the pong: yeah that was epic!

Nick: did you know the local occult shop used to have crystal balls installed in the corners of their store with a large sign saying "shoplifters shall be cursed!"

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I like the way the occult shop did that! Much more positive than hidden video cams to catch shop lifters.

Gledwood said...

ok ok i admit that was a joke. but if I had run the local occult shop that's what I'd have done~!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

If I ran an occult shop, I'd do it, too! After all, those who visit the shop probably believe in the power of those crystal balls!

Gledwood said...

They believe in anything crystal that costs more than £9.99!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood