HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

"Help! Call an Ambulance! I'm Neurotic!!"

IT'S BEEN ALL GO AT MINE. I innocently clambered down the stairs the other day with the intention of re-joining the library and glugging some cyder, yet this was thwarted by sheer emergency in the hall. The Portuguese cleaner, and my Abyssinian neighbour were crowding around the Indian lady from the front room who was howling protestations of how ill she was. "Please get me a doctor! Please come with me!" (All this focused now on me.) I said well none of us has a car so we'll have to get an ambulance. Bear in mind the woman was on her feet, complaining of "heart pain" and "vomiting" (though no vomit to be seen anywhere)... I quickly sussed what the other two aparently hadn't: that she was talking about emotional symptoms. At one point she even wailed out that her "heart was breaking". Anyway, not being a doctor (and she was after all in great distress: I just didn't believe it had a physical cause) I did ring for an ambulance. The woman who answered was obviously used to dealing with crank calls and timewasters and asked some stupid questions in a highly cynical voice. When she misheard the woman's age she said "what? One?" NO FIFTY-ONE. Dur. The ambulance crew, when they arrived were equally puzzled (not wanting to waste an ambulance). One turned to me and said "do you know anything about this?" I glanced to the woman, who was looking away, tapped my finger to my head and said "it might be..?" then the crew nodded and said "ah!"

Honestly! And this "dying" soul was at home the next day feeling "very much better"!

No wonder the ambulance service get sick and tired... (but what else could I do? Walk away on someone who obviously believed she was ill... plus it all fell down to me to use the phone as I was the only native English-speaker.

Apart from that I'm sweating so hard I may as well have showered and dressed without drying. That's how wet I am (forgot to take METHADONE. Dur!x3607!!)

And my roborovskis slept in their diggery last night (only because I konked out forgetting they were in there...) they came out with the softest show-combed fur I've ever seen...

Happy Weekend to y'all!

Video:
Raymi: "Cuts own 'bangs'"... (that's called a "fringe" in plain English...)...


18 comments:

Nicole said...

I hate that word "bangs" so much. I am not usually a language freak, though some terms and phrases do annoy me, but the "bangs" thing, it's just the most vulgar, ugly-sounding, non-descriptive word for a fringe I've ever heard.

You did the right thing by calling an ambulance, simply because, you never know. It could have been a disaster had there really been something wrong.

Baino said...

Yep, did the right thing alright. At least she wasn't doing what some older folk are doing here, calling ambulances and using them as taxis! How can you 'forget' your methodone man . . tie a piece of string around yer digit! And if I sleep in a bed of shavings, will my hair go soft and straight?

Kahshe Cottager said...

If you hadn't called an ambulance and something bad happened, you would have felt terrible. You did the right thing! Let the medics decide what to do from then on.

Fringe?? That is what we call the trim on scarves! lol

Puss-in-Boots said...

I agree, I think you did the right thing calling the ambos, Gleds. It may have started out emotional but could have ended up a lot worse. Better to be sure than sorry.

I'm not sure how fringe gets turned into bangs. Bangs? Bangs? That's the loud noise fireworks and guns make, isn't it? My fringes have always been pretty silent hairstyles.

Bimbimbie said...

I'm agreeing with everyone too ... fingers crossed the lady doesn't knock on your door for any second opinions Dr Gleds *!*

Lucinda said...

It's good that you called an ambulance, even though it wasn't clear that the woman wasn't actually sick.

Forget your methadone? I don't think I could ever do that, not that I'm on it. Well, take your methadone and stop your sweating. = )

Deb said...

Geesh gleds, so much drama in your life. I hope you find some peace soon. But good for you for calling the ambulance - the woman obviously needed attention.

I haven't visited Raymi's place in ages...my God, has her hair ever grown. To think, that's where I first "met" you (or at least saw your comment, which prompted me to come visit you). So glad I did!

Eileen said...

Fringe vs Bangs. I agree that bangs is a vulgar sounding word and ultimatley fringe is a better descriptive for bangs, however, my north americaness will not allow me to convert. When I was in Sussex I went to inquire about getting a trim in my boyfriend's parents village. I ask the woman how much it would be to get my bangs cut and they all giggled in that ever so cute English giggle that you guys can pull off. The end.

Monogram Queen said...

I would have done the same thing in your shoes. Lord you have alot of drama where you live!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: ... ambulance... I know. I really didn't want to. In my years ago psychology studies we learned how people from foreign cultures describe psychiatric symptoms in totally different terms (often psysical ones) ... ie so her "heart breaking" ... but the ambulance crew never picked up on this until I underlined it for them. (I was quite surprised by that...)

Yeah I'm with you on the "bangs"... what a silly expression for something that sounds like a "fringe" not something making an explosion!!!

Baino: forgetting methadone? Hardly ever do that, am too neurotic for it! It IS easily done otherwise though as it has such little discernable effect you feel the same (initially) whether you took it or not!

Kahshe: hey we call scarf-trim "bangs"!

...only joking...

Pussinboots: one of my friends used to have a Princess Diana "walnut whip" style hair-do...

... yeah you never can tell what's psychic, what's psychosomatic (or even somatopsychic, come to think...)

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: SOMEONE has knocked on my door at after midnight... but I've not the faintest idea who it might have been (have my suspicions tho...) as I never answer doors in the dead of night, on principle.

Lucinda:
hey as I said up above it doesn't hardly do anything. If it did do some instantaneous magic-wand-waving-style effect I'm sure I'd never forget it in 1000,000 years; but as it is...

Debs: is that where you found me..!! You know I never knew that!! Yep Raymi's blogue's still going strong. And she never stops posing in that there bathroom...

As for peace: me too. I'm fed up of getting disturbed like that and why should it all fall down to ME to sort everything out? They easily spoke enough English between the rest of them to sort it out between them

Eileen: the English Giggle? Someone will have to point that one out to me someday. I cannot "picture" it (if you CAN ever picture a sound...)

I do know the Japanese (female-only) giggle though:... you too..??

MQ: a lotta drama? You can say that again.

Monogram Queen said...
I would have done the same thing in your shoes. Lord you have alot of drama where you live!


OK OK ~!!

Eileen said...

I am not saying that the English as a whole are known for their giggling, however, when they do giggle it is cute, in a paddington bear kinda way ;)

Gledwood said...

Hey I never knew Paddington Bear laughed either.

Though I was reading one of his stories in bed once and my mum came up with a bucket. "What's that for?" I said.

"You were making such a funny noise; I thought you were being sick."

No: I was LAUGHING at Paddington's exploits in the curmudgeonly Mr Curry's back garden. That evil Mr Curry that used to call out, "Bear!" and his face purple with rage..!!

Eileen said...

Gawd. You are really rippin on me. IF paddington bear laughed (which i am pretty sure he did in the animated series) THEN he would giggle like a silly Englishman. JEESH. lol.

Ron Knee said...

Panic attack. I have to live with that shite on a daily basis. I have to be hard with myself. If you only knew what was behind it....

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood