HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Not Waving But Drowning

I AM DROWNING IN DEPRESSION. I feel it pressing on me like the cold earth on my coffin. Not sleeping; waking at five a.m. like a block of ice and craving heroin (the ultimate body-warmer; junkie's equivalent to an early-morning cup of tea)... so I drink methadone instead, turn on the fan heater that my landlord's too stingy to give permission for me to use (citing "fire hazard")... I stick my head under the sheets and hopefully go back to sleep. I don't actually possess any tea right now TO drink "of" a morning, so that particular remedy shall have to wait till another day ... (next week) when I've funds enough and have not been hitting up "B" in the bushes as wire foxes come terrierorizing past...

My Paris Dream has degenerated
into a nighmare of the most degraded kind. Dreaming I was on the train, only it's open top and rollercoastering throughout a large house (as you do in dreams). This house is full of what the French would call "Anglo-Saxons" (that is Brits, Yanks and Aussies: ie Anglophones), all of whom are junkies. Dirt is everywhere. Barely there's a space for any more sleeping bags. And I'm freezing cold, friendless and alienated in this foreign town. Even more rootless than I am over here. Perhaps it's a warning: the grass is darker...

I had a look in at my trotters this afternoon. Great activities have been taking place, with Bashful taking a lead in the newspaper-tearing (home-made bedding: they far prefer making their own to being lumbered with the so-called "luxury" shop-bought cottonwool type), and running from one bedroom to another (they've at least four sleeping places) self-importantly, scraps of the Sun newspaper hanging from her tubby chops.

I've come up with some roborovski songs. Not very original or brilliant, I'm afraid, but this is what I coo to poor long-suffering Itchy on occasion. And no I do not deny I may well be clinically insane...::~~

BABY ITCHY'S TROTTING
Baby Itchy's trotting!
Trotting!
Trotting!
Baby Itchy's trotting!
And she's covered in fur!

...THE TINIEST ONE!
Of all the Little Trotters you're the Tiniest One!
Tiniest One!
Tiniest One!
Of all the Little Trotters you're the Tiniest One:
Baby Itchy's trotting into town!

TROTTING ROUND THE MOUNTAIN
She'll be trotting round the mountain when she trots;
She'll be trotting round the mountain when she trots;
She'll be trotting round the mountain;
Trotting round the mountain
And Bashful's blind and Spherical's covered in fur!


(Well I never did claim to be Shakespeare...)

SONG OF THE DAY:
ELTON JOHN; SACRIFICE
Superman Smallville Vid...



SONG II
ELTON JOHN FT. BLUE
SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD

This song got really slagged off on its rerelease a couple of years ago... but I thought it was really good. The melancholy tune, not to mention the words: rhyming "word" with "absurd": classic!




Commemorating the shock death of Diana, Princess of Wales that dreadful week at the end of summer 1997...

17 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Gleds. :(

Gledwood said...

%->...

(don't know what else to say...)

Monogram Queen said...

Depression sucks... is there any meds you can take?
It just sucks away at you - I hope you find some light.

Gledwood said...

I gave up on that mirtazapine/remerol as it made me SO very ill last time

have to get shrink appointment for something else but my worker's been v lax at arranging it and just harangued me for being miserable (OK indirectly, but she still did...)

Eileen said...

Check your email.

Fire Byrd said...

I'm sorry that you feel so low. Depression sucks the soul out of you. No wonder you want to have something to take the pain away.
Don't know how motivated you are but exercise does work, even if it's just walking. 'specially if you can walk somewhere good.Running if you can be bothered is even better. Just cause it releases endorphins which make you feel good. But you proabaly know this already.

yep she was an airedale, loved her to bits!

carrie said...

do you think it's 'your fault'?

Walker said...

Hi

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the blues.
I hope you find some lightr at the end of the tunnel.

I have both versions of Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest word on my IPOD.
They are both good but some people get stuck on the old version.

Thank you for stopping by and I will be back, if it's ok.

I hope you have a nice weekend

Baino said...

Gah! Get onto that case worker, you need some support You might be dreaming of being freezing cold and friendless but let me assure you - friendless you are not. Say with the program Gleds, take a walk remove yourself from your thoughts a while. Big hugs.

Lucinda said...

I hope you can get through the depression, it seems like everyone is depressed these days.

I like those songs! They could top the charts one day! = )

Gledwood said...

Eileen: OK!

FireBird: yes I still do and used to do a lot the exercise bit: you're 100% right...

... Airedales: like Wire Foxes on stilts!!!

Carrie: everything's ALWAYS my fault! (& I'm not sure even that I'm joking...??~~~?!? {%-/...)

Gledwood said...

Walker: woo Darth Vader! Do you get lots of corny "never heard THAT piece of crapola b4" jokes..??///...

nice weekend/::~ cheers: you too

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word: I really like that song and think the Blue version's easily the best

(hence I don't understand the rumpus about rereleasing it: surely it's better than it was...)

Baino: aww. Thank you!

Yeah I really need to get on to that caseworker. Might stop her ceaselessly & senselessly jumping all over MY case...

{%-/...

Lucinda: thanks. but c'mon they DID. o dur. i see what you're saying. x2 dur dur dur!!!

Walker said...

Not when I'm holding my light sabre

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hang on in there, dear Gleds, for the world would be so much poorer without you. I know it's easy to say, but I have been there and am there, more often than you would think! You have so many friends out here who care about you xx.
The songs are great!

Gledwood said...

Walker: ha!!

Welshcakes: I'm not planning to leave the cold old world behind JUST yet...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood