HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Not the Notting Hill Carnival

OK, so no more stuff about boils.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I spent most of the night freezing cold and now I'm boiling up.

It is midday and I'm very impatient. Too many things to do and I just want them all done.

Bank holiday this coming Monday, which means the open hell of the Notting Hill Carnival for anyone wishing to participate. I don't wish to be negative, but this, the 2nd biggest carnival in the world, brings back memories only of being jostled, deafened, hemmed in by walls of people (albeit many in exotic dress)... then getting back and so exhausted it's unreal. One year in particular I got extremely ill and had some sort of a breakdown. Yes: from a mere carnival!

PS I just altered my page length to LONG... will anybody please tell me if this gets exceedingly annoying for them..?? THANK YOU.

Gone-out roborovski: I hope this is what Baby Itchy's like at age 90

13 comments:

Baino said...

The second biggest? Really . .and I thought the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras was up there. Brasil . .yeh the biggest but Notting Hill? I think not baby puppy:

• Carnaval, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
• Carnival, St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands
• Carnival of Binche, Binche, Belgium
• Carnival in Cologne, Cologne, Germany
• Carnival of Venice, Venice, Italy
• Fastnacht, Lucerne, Switzerland
• Jamaica Carnival, Jamaica
• Mardi Gras, New Orleans, Louisiana, U.S.
• Mardi Gras! Galveston, Galveston Island, Texas, U.S.
• Nice Carnival, Nice, France
• Trinidad Carnival, Port of Spain, Trinidad
• Quebec City Winter Carnival, Quebec, Canada

Hey but who's counting, you can have the Roborovski Ping carnival under your sink!

Gledwood said...

There's a constant robo-jamboree under there, you're right. Especially as Bashful's lost her shying-away-from-daylight instinct, being blind ~ she appears all hours of day and night, acting most strangely...

Bimbimbie said...

Sounds like a good reason to get lost in a quiet library or curl up with a good book alongside your Robos.

... yes those two Galahs were doing exactly what you suspected*!*

Enjoy your long weekend *!*

Gledwood said...

I'm just shocked they didn't fall off!

+ how do birds manage to do "it"... what with all those feathers in the way..??

Elaine Denning said...

The longing I feel to be a part of such an event is always clouded by my fear of crowds. Sigh.

Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled... how's that NA goin'?
;-)

Monogram Queen said...

Well I hope you don't go to the Carnival if it affects you adversely. I don't much like huge crowds either!

Anonymous said...

In Toronto we have Caribana (which just passed). I live downtown, pretty close to the area of the parade etc. Every year I run for the hills because I just can't take it. The streets are jammed up with (no offense) American tourists. I appreciate the economy that it brings into our fair city, however, don't want to go anywhere near it.

Anonymous said...

I am however, going to Winter Carnival in Quebec City this year, totally different vibe because it's all ice and stuff. Good times with Bonhomme (a snow man is the carnival mascot). C'est tout.

Janice Seagraves said...

I only go to a couple of festibles a year, and they're not too bad. Stay clear if they bother you that much.

Did you find your missing robo yet?

Janice~

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm with you, Gleds. Colourful they may be, but the crowds are diabolical. We have the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney. I just prefer to watch the bytes they put on TV.

Anonymous said...

Miss Understood: I don't so much fear the crowds as detest them... and pavements are so exceedingly narrow and so very many people crowd along the route, at many points you literally could faint and remain standing!

Whitenoise: NA?... erm, haven't been for a couple of weeks. It was going OK though, as far as it went...

Monogram Queen: no it really did make me ILL last time I went. Had severe sweats... a kind of nervous breakdown! Seriously!!

Anonymous said...

Eileen: that Winter Carnival sounds quite something: I'd be well into that...

Janice: Hi Janice how are you? I was just thinking about you only today as it goes... missing hammy? That was ages ago! A touch of Bashful blindness aside, all is well in Roborovski-land!

Puss in Boots: that Sydney one sounds like the Berlin Love Parade. I'm not sure whether that one's gay though lots of my old clubbing friends used to say they were going to go then decided not to after seeing it on TV and deciding it was "crap"...!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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