HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Bereaved

MY OLD FRIEND, who I always called "Lucky", died suddenly a week ago yesterday. She was so thin and undernourished, when I stayed with her for four days after some Jamaicans bashed into her home and robbed her a few years back, I only ever saw her eat a crisps (American: "chips") sandwich at midday and that was ALL she touched in 24 hours. The rest of her calories came from alcohol, though she would never have admitted she had a habit on that. She was so tiny and thin by the end that she looked like a fledgling bird. She was a heroin addict and sometime smalltime dealer (a fact I could never have mentioned while she was alive). I called her "Lucky" because she funded this habit every day without ever going out shoplifting, or even getting arrested for years on end. Her home, however, was little more than a glorified crackhouse at times. The understanding being that if you used at her place, you paid her a little out of it, and that's how she kept going. She was somewhere between 55-60 years old, had two grown-up kids, a 35 year++ habit on heroin plus daily pipes on the crack. It would have been the latter that contributed to her death. (Heroin, remember, or pharmaceutical "diamorphine" as it's called in British hospitals is given TO the dying to make their last hours more comfortable. So, unless she'd overdosed, which she did not, that would hardly be the thing that bumped her off.)... Unfortunately it seem's Lucky's luck ran out. I feel depressed and sick and her old best friend looked 100 years old and grey as he recounted the details of a 50-minute fight for life with two teams of paramedics. In the end her fragile, tiny body just gave way.

But I'm illustrating this post with a wire-fox terrier, just like one I saw "parked" outside Lucky's favourite offlicence/bottleshop at the weekend. It looked so cute I wanted to take it home...

21 comments:

Vincent said...

I'm sorry to hear this mate. She's possibly in a better 'state' now, what or where ever that may be...

Vincent said...

PS: Sorry for removing your comment from my blog of today. I deleted the part of my post that you commented on and I don't want any hints left behind.

lime said...

so sorry to hear the news.

none said...

Sad news indeed. Sorry about your friend.

Elaine Denning said...

I'm so sorry about your friend. I'm sure she's in a better place now. x

Fire Byrd said...

dealing with death is so tough.. it really fucks us up. hope you're coping with it as ok as you can.
x

Monogram Queen said...

May your friend rest in peace... and also considering her age and her health/habits she was somewhat "lucky" plus she had people who cared about her i.e. YOU

tomshideaway said...

Sorry for your loss, I watched someone very dear to me waste away like that and she died from a complications of, anorexia and alcoholism. but of course she failed to believe she had a problem and of course no matter what you do to try and help, it's the person with the problem that has to acknowledge it, I still miss my dear sweet Mary, but now my memories of her are when she was happy and beautiful and funny...remember the good things about those who have passed and my thoughts are with you.

Peace

Akelamalu said...

How sad. I'm so sorry for your loss Gleds.

I hope you're taking care of yourself?

molson said...

The loss of a friend is always difficult. No way around that. Did Lucky's luck run out or did she embark on a new journey? I choose the later.

The photo of the terrier reminds me of a friend lost many years ago. Our family dog was a wire hair fox terrier. He was twenty pounds of pure energy and just a lot of fun. Wired would be a correct description. I still miss that dog.

Liz Hinds said...

I'm sad to hear your news, gledwood. I hope you find comfort in more things like the little terrier.

I've popped over via Robyn's blog: it seems like if i do it this way my puta doesn't freeze on me. I don't know why your blog should have such an effect on me but if this works, i'll be back again soon!

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your friend.

Unknown said...

I am sorry about her.

Baino said...

Sad news Gleds but a 35 year habit is some feat! Think about it my friend . . .She was luckier than most.

Anonymous said...

thats sad. I'm all knocked up and my babys daddy is a herion addict, i'm always afraid one day I'll get a phone call that he's dead. It's kinda nice that "lucky" lived to an old age.

Kahshe Cottager said...

I am so sorry about your friend Gleds. No matter what the reason, it is sad when you lose a friend. Please, please take care of yourself!

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm sorry to read of the loss of your friend, Gleds. How sad for you. But you take care, too.

Bimbimbie said...

Unexpected deaths of friends knock us all for six Gleds, please take care of yourself and don't let Lucky's passing send you on a bender, hugs*!*

Gledwood said...

Thanks everyone. All that oblivion she paid through the nose for in life now comes abolutely FREE!

Hfaistiwnas said...

I'm sorry for your friends loss.
This dog may bring you Luck ;)

be strong!

Gledwood said...

Ta!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood