Boiling to Death (in December)

I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING TOO HOT, not at this time of year, but honestly: some berk has put the central heating to such a furnace-like high, I frequently wake in the night thinking I've got childhood scarlet fever back. In the day I sweat so heavily it comes out in conkers.

Anyway I've a recipe here. Only really bad cooks will want to take advice from it. But here is how you do an elementary pasta dish.

The first thing to note is that the times given on cooking instructions for pasta tend, if anything, to be too long, so bear that in mind or else you'll risk overcooking your pasta to a floppy wet goo. Or a "paste", as the word originally means.

Basically bring a load of pasta to the boil. Measure out dry portions in bowls then you won't get sizes terminally wrong like so many seem to do...

Meanwhile, fry an onion (ideally in a wok), then fry mushrooms, anything else you wish to, sweetcorn from a tin. Add a can of chopped tomatoes. These you flash-fry (with the tomatoes) so hot you'd believe you were burning them. Sizzling away at them reduces the water-content. Delia Smith says that to make professional-style pasta sauces you need to simmer tomatoes on a low heat for hours on end to reduce them to a concentrated pulp. If you just oversizzle for a few minutes you'll begin to achieve this effect. Add herbs (esp. oregano that the police thought was cannabis last time they stopped me). When the pasta's done, drain then throw into the wok and stir all over. Ensure the seasoning's right (add pepper). Dole out half into a bowl. Add grated cheese + parmesan. Mix. Dole out more. Add cheese again. Mix. Ta-daa you're ready!

And if you really needed my instructions to achieve something like that I worry for you...