HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

"BABY" ITCHY IS SICK. Short of a miracle, she's dying. Itchy is my tiniest roborovski hamster. The illustration top left is not a picture of her, but it's nearest I could find online.

I did a hamster-count yesterday because their tank was full of cut-out tea-boxes and other things in such crazy array they had a chocolate fingers box bridge over their wheel, a multistorey turreted castle-type thing, all cut open with little windows and doors. Because this brought the level of their home so high an enterprising roborovski could possibly clamber out the top, I have been extra careful, putting big books over the highest part, keeping them shut up in a cupboard (where they appreciate the dark anyhow) during the day... etc. I did a hamster-count yesterday and only two! I was convinced one had escaped.

The sadder truth emerged later that night, slumped exhausted under the water bottle. Fur unkempt, eyes shut. The backbone is protruding because she has lost weight. I've seen this happen before and there's little a vet could do. This means she is dying.

Today she sat in my hands, but there was nothing I could do to make her eat. Not even chopped up broccoli leaves, not even flour (which wild mice love ~ I once lost an entire pack in under a week in my scruffy old house where Evilstein was landlord...). She hobbles around but has very little energy. Bashful and Spherical tread all over her, oblivious. Their bright-eyed enthusiasm makes Itchy seem all the sicker...

I had to leave her bundled in a cardboard tube surrounded by hammyscones, seeds and vegetables to go to an antidrugs meeting, so I'm hoping she didn't go while I was out.

How perky-eared and pingy she used to be!...





TOTO: AFRICA
I don't know why, but this comes to my head...


11 comments:

Syd said...

I'm really sorry. What is the cause of her sickness? Is she just old? What about a little glucose in her mouth? I guess I don't want her to die. Very sad indeed.

Melody Lee said...

So sorry to hear about baby itchy, losing an animal friend is always the worst. I'm still hoping beyond hope that she will rally and make it though.
I left you a comment on your previous post regarding the one you left me on mine. Wow, that was complicated.
~Melody

Liz Hinds said...

Oh no, not baby Itchy! Oh, gleds, I'm sorry. I'll pray for that miracle.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

This post almost made me cry. Poor little girl :( I will keep my fingers and toes crossed that she will make a miraculous recovery. Keep her comfortable in the mean time.

Akelamalu said...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about itchy m'dear. I hope it's not as bad as you fear. x

Baino said...

Aww poor little Itchy. And poor little you . . That's the heartbreak of owning pets. .

Jeannie said...

Sorry about your little hammy - that's the hard part with pets - they get sick and it's so hard to know what to do

Lou said...

If she is so sick, I hope she goes quickly. Sounds awful to hear of her withering away.

Janice Seagraves said...

That's so sad, I'm sorry your little robo is ill. My elder cat pookey is sick, coughing and sneezing she's almost eighteen.

It's sad to lose a pet, they are family even the tiny ones.

Janice~

Gattina said...

That's the sad side of these little critters, they last not very long. 2 years at the most. We once had a guinea pig such a cute little guy. But after two years he died. It was so sad ! He was the boss in the house and the cats were afraid of him when he stood up on his hindlegs and rattled with his teeth !

Gledwood said...

thanks for these messages: she's gone now

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood