HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

RIP Itchy


SHE'S GONE. I didn't want her to get trampled so I held her in my hands and she died around 8 o'clock last night.



All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
Each little bird that sings,
He made their glowing colours,
He made their tiny wings.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all.

The purple headed mountains,
The river running by,
The sunset and the morning
That brightens up the sky.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all.

The cold wind in the winter,
The pleasant summer sun,
The ripe fruits in the garden,
He made them every one.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all.

The tall trees in the greenwood,
The meadows where we play,
The rushes by the water,
To gather every day.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all.

He gave us eyes to see them,
And lips that we might tell
How great is God Almighty,
Who has made all things well.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful:
The Lord God made them all.










Itchy was the one half-asleep:

33 comments:

lime said...

sorry to hear about itchy. i know she brought you a lot of joy.

gledwood said...

that is true ;->...

Baino said...

Aww darling boy. So sad. My dog is very sick tonight. The vet fears pancreatitis. She's mopey and not eating and I'm in a tizz this is my third baby do I know how you feel. It's not the size of the pet, it's the magnitude of the affection. Poor Itchy. Poor you.

Queenneenee said...

so sorry to hear about your little friend Gleds, keep your chin up. Our animals are precious to us.

Baino said...

Aww I jus watched your vid . .she looks so tired . .so does Lily . .your email is bouncing!

Nicole said...

Gled. I'm sooooo sorry to hear that! I feel as if I knew that little Robo through your stories here.

Vincent said...

I'm very sorry to hear this news Gleds. It's nice that you held her in her last hour.

All the best matey.

Syd said...

I'm very sorry to hear about Itchy. She was so adorable. I felt a lot of sadness seeing her photo yesterday. I'm glad that you were there to be with her when she died. Comfort and love for Itchy.

Gledwood said...

Baino: I hope your dog gets better soon. I know a human with that and it's horrible, about as painful as you can get... what did you mean about my email bouncing? You mean it's making out mail's undelivered? I'll have to check that...

not the size of the pet?.. you can say that again she was tiny enough to fit in a cigarette packet or could have had a double bed in a cooks' matches box, which I fantasized about taking her to the vet's in. But that never happened of course; she went too fast...

Queenee: I'll try; thanks

Nicole: I know ~ there were enough of those stories weren't there!!?!

Vincent: cheers. I had to hold her. Couldn't bear the thought of her head getting trod on as she tried just to be quiet and "pass away"...

Syd: Thanks! Surely she's running a "great wheel up in the sky" now..!!

Jeannie said...

So sad. The three of you will certainly miss her. Isn't it nice though that you got a video of her?

tut-tut said...

poor Gled! I'm so sorry to read this. What a lovely tribute.

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: I'm glad I did get film as that phone (I didn't realize it at the time) was on the blink and that's the last (and just about only) meaningful thing I managed to do with it, so Thank God for that ;->...

TutTut: thank you :-)

Liz said...

Oh, I'm so sorry, gleds. Itchy had become part of our lives as well as yours through your wonderful stories. I'm glad you were holding Itchy at the end.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Sorry to hear that Gledwood. She had a good life with someone that loved her. Take it easy.

Akelamalu said...

Aw Gleds I'm so sorry to hear this. You must be so sad, I know how much you love your robos. xx

Baino said...

Yep email is bouncing back saying "mailbox inactive"

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Sorry about Itchy. You took good care of her. Wish we could all have been there with you for those final hours.

molson said...

Very sad. At least Itchy led a long fun filled Robo life.

Katarina said...

awwwwww so sorry to hear itchy died!!! its really sad when the pets we love die, i wished they could live forever

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Nooooooo! I'm so so sorry.
Itchy was my favourite.

She looks so withdrawn in the video whilst the others clamber over her (hope they are doing ok).

Did you see it coming? Do you know what the cause was?

I'm so very sorry. Part of what makes it sad when animals/pets die is their total innocence.

big hug x
take care x

Kelly

Gledwood said...

Thanks, folks. She was indeed always the shyest and tended to be the one buried deepest in the nest (getting clambered over, as per usual). I cannot tell what was wrong with her; it appeared like old age: lost muscle tone, unkempt, inactive ~ except more severe. She was dead within 24 hours of me discovering her like that. After she died I looked at her and found a strange dark patch underneath, so she may have had diarrhoea. Whatever it was there was no chance of saving her because she would not eat or drink and was so emaciated she barely weighed anything in the end...

Whitenoise said...

Sorry to hear about Itchy, Gled. I lost my German Shep 2 months ago, I know how it is.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Gleds, I am so sorry that Itchy has passed. I know she was well loved and you will miss her. You have made a lovely tribute page for her.

Annelisa said...

Itchy was as lucky to have you as you were to have her...companions to the end

Lovely post Gledwood (((big hug)))

sally in norfolk said...

you have done itchy proud with this post... thinking of you x

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I'm so sorry, Gleds. We all know she meant a lot to you and you did everything you could for her. Please take care. Love from Sicily xx

Puss-in-Boots said...

Dearest Gleds, I'm so sorry to hear about Baby Itchy. I always felt she was rather special to you. It's devastating losing a loved pet and I hope she didn't suffer. At least you were able to be with her at the end.

Big hugs xoxo

brady said...

I hope your pulling through ok mate.
I've been reading your blog since its beginnings and have actually just registered today. You're a great writer Gledwood, and i'm sorry of your loss.
Brady

kelly Al-Saleh said...

Hope you bearing up ok Gleds.

I tried to email you but couldn't, it bounced back!

Here's the message I got:

------------
Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender

This message was created automatically by mail delivery software.

A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its
recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address(es) failed:

hammynutter@lycos.com
SMTP error from remote mail server after RCPT TO:hammynutter@lycos.com:
host rmail.lycosmail.lycos.com [209.202.254.41]:
550 5.2.1 RACT 81.187.30.51: Mailbox is inactive:
hammynutter@lycos.com
------------

I copied and pasted it from your comment. Is the address/spelling correct?
Perhaps you could email me then I can save your email.
Mine is: kellyalsaleh@tiscali.co.uk

xK

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Gled, hamster heaven's not a bad place... they get there on frog-back!;)

Take care & I hope your other furry creatures are bearing well.

Shane.

gledwood said...

Hi I am still here be back by Monday

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood