HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Carnival Day


TODAY was the Notting Hill Carnival, which is said to be (after Rio) the second biggest street party in the world. I did not go.

I have been to Carnival too many times and hardly had any fun at any of them. The streets of Notting Hill (which used to be home to immigrants, hence the West Indian theme ~ but the tall stucco'd houses are now home to metropolitan media types, "trustafarians" and champagne socialists by the score). Basically the streets are far too narrow to accommodate nearly a million people a day over two days. Every time I went (apart from once, when I rode round on a float all day but that's another story) I came back exhausted, my head swirling with people people people more people ~ a woman in outsized angel wings who you can't get past ~ deafening music and police not letting you round the easiest way. Nasty business.

The worst year, which was the second last year I went I'd gone in the morning after an all-night techno party to a New Age fayre with a cyberpunk-styled former housemate. I didn't realize I was coming down with something, but had something called Jo Rei healing, which is Japanese. Like reiki but less hands-on. Anyway I'm sure this is what blew my brains out because after a day of all that noise and enforced fun but actually no fun I got home feeling a fuse had blown in my head. It might have had something to do with ecstasy comedown on top. But I spent the next week in a bed in a state of total mental and physical collapse. I couldn't get out because the room was spinning so bad. I was sweating so heavily that when I eventually changed the sheets they looked as if several bottles of white wine had been poured all over them. It was then that I decided never again.

(The year afterwards I found myself riding that float I will have to tell you about some other time.)

So basically I've done nothing today. Except I found a table lamp someone had thrown out. I thought it might look cool with calligraphy all over its falling apart shade, which looks silky but actually has the texture of matt photo paper ...

Now I'd better go; I'm in an internet caff who are going to time me out so's I'll see y'all tomorrow ~ cheerio! as HM Edward VIII might have said ...

UK ANTI-DRUG-DRIVING AD
"Don't drive home from that rave!"


8 comments:

Baino said...

Well I guess if you've been three times, it's a case of been there done that. I'd still like to photograph it. That was indeed a trippy little video . .the eyes have it!

Megan said...

Very timely as I am going to our local street fair next weekend (more years in a row than I care to count).

But I am looking forward to it since there won't be anywhere near as many folks as I see in those pictures. Yikes. What's the point of that?

Nellie said...

Hey Gleds, I was just thinking about that Notting Hill carnival the other day. My dad lived in london for a couple years and though I rarely spend time with him I did visit him once with my little brother and we went to that carnival while we were there. It was really huge and we did have to walk and walk and walk and once we wanted to go home we were so lost, but we had fun. We really had no money and we had to walk everywhere. It seems like London has a lot of little punks and petty theives, at least I sure ran into a few - and the police don't carry guns?!? We tried to buy weed so many times and got faked out or directly robbed that we ended up taking a train to Amsterdam and bringing buds back instead. But overall, I would definitely visit again. The city was amazingly old compared to the states and so beautiful. And there was this one little shop with all ribbons and buttons that were so lovely, I could have stayed there all day. I guess things always seem more spectacular when it's not your regular surroundings. Peace.

Akelamalu said...

It was the Manchester Pride parade this weekend which apparently was bigger than ever. A friend of ours is a taxi driver and said it was just manic! Still a lot of people do enjoy it.

The anti-drug driving advert gives me the creeps.

Syd said...

I think that it would be interesting to attend and photograph. That's too many people for me though. I would likely only go once.

Gledwood said...

BAINO: FEELS LIKE MORE THAN THREE TIMES, but maybe it was just the three... hellishly stressful and overcrowded on each though. And nowhere NEAR as much fun as made out to be, that's the most annoying part ...

MEGAN: "fun" ... I suppose ...

I'm glad I actually found a picture that portrays how hellishly overcrowded it gets. Most pictures just don't and give a false, misleading impression of jutt what type of day "Carnival" is ...

NELLIE: yes ~ lots of petty theivery in London! Lots of petty disrespect as well. Police now carry CS gas and some carry those 100,000 volt electronickal "tazers". Armed police only come in a special unit called SO19 or something like that...

Re Carnival: every time someone gets stabbed. if not several people.

Yes you cannot buy cannabis on the street you're sure to get ripped off. In Brixton there's a "frontline" which is like what they call the "corner" on The Wire. Except this road had loads and loads of dealers selling mostly crack and it really was real. So I was told ...

I would really like to see New York City. It looks to me an American version of London ...

ps re ribbons and buttons, there's a bead shop opposite the Ivy Restaurant and just round the corner from The Mousetrap (play) in Covent gdn. Best habidashery dept. probably in the country is in John Lewis Oxford street. You get the most amazing selection of fashion students in there ...

AKELAMALU: it's weird that they did it the same weekend as Notting Hill. Though probably the 2 events would draw in VERY different types of people ...

SYD: aye! ;->...

Akelamalu said...

I say 'Manchester Pride' because that's what it's called but it's more for gays, lesbians, transvestites etc., never having been to it I couldn't tell you what types attend. :)

jim dandy said...

That is hilarious. (and he's driving from the wrong side of the car too!)
haha (I know)
cheers!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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