HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Is there a way out?

SO WHY ARE YOU POSTING? I hear you scream. Save us your whining self-pity.
Well I won't.
I haven't done anything of note, except wend round the internet and listen to Flapper the woodpigeon's endless coos. I think the poor bird is lovesick.
I found myself on some drug forums whittering away about heroin. I never thought I knew that much about the subject ~ only what I picked up along the way. Turns out there are people who know even less than I do.
IF you're going to use a dangerous drug, as they say: JUST SAY KNOW!
This is what got me about the drug-seminars I was persuaded along into by Maple Syrup my former druggieworker. I turned up expecting a room full of people just like me. What I actually found though was that my addiction was far longer-term and more severe than nearly everyone else's there. In other words I am a full-blown junkie. A lot of people in those rooms were just ordinary people whose using had escalated and swerved from weekend coke into crack and often heroin. Of course even I was an ordinary person... once...
Part of me still adores the drug heroin. Even though I have chucked crack cocaine, which I did really, really like, out of my life. Even though I have cut out the problem drinking. I do still drink alcohol, but not like I used to. I still love sleeping pills, which I only ever took because I had clinical need for them. Severe insomnia. And I do mean not sleeping at all without them... On the one hand I love all this stuff. One drug counsellor told me this showed I had some willpower ~ being able to say I loved certain drugs, and yet being a heroin addict and NOT taking them.
Incidentally this is one point where NA and I diverge. Most of what NA say I can relate to closely, but not on this point. Their definition of an addict is someone who cannot control mind-altering chemicals in any form. Well I can. I found a batch of ecstasy pills (smiley-faced and orange: what else were they? I tasted a bit of one and they were Es) at the bus stop some years ago. I had no desire to take them and so they remained in a cupboard for several months... (until someone stole them!!) So I am not and never have been a rampant drug-dustbin. I don't understand that mentality. I have had a very severe drug addiction, but that is a different thing. The human trashcan type person runs in every direction aimlessly and endlessly, not caring how/where/when/with whom they end up just as long as something chemical pushes them up, down or sideways. My life, by contrast, ran in constant circles. The same tracks. Round and round and round.
I don't know if I ever can stop loving heroin the way I'm supposed to in order to stop it. I know I hate being a heroin addict. And I never intended to be a heroin addict. One of the worst bits of mis-information I encountered over and over (I think this originated in the Freudian-tinctured 1960s where cod-psychology prevailed), the "fact" was repeated over and over that "nobody gets addicted to heroin unless they want to be an addict". Well that is nonsensical. I used and used, every day (and what got me into even that is a story in itself ~ the drugs came to me. I didn't have to go score. They were already there, enough to use every day for weeks on end (I didn't have a habit, remember, so we're only talking a few grams)... Every day dawned. I didn't particularly feel like using because the drug was in my system from the day before. Then afternoon... perhaps evening. And I had it there, so: oh go on then. I snorted it in little white lines. The drug was so clean I could barely feel it up my nose. Then the hot, sweet syrupy nodding opiated haze took me away into noman's land. And come the next day and the next day I wanted to do it again. As some tolerance built up I found it gave me a stimulant, confidence-boosting effect.
I wanted to be golden and glowing and great. I did not ever want to be a dirty hopeless junkie. And that ~ no two ways about it ~ is what I became.
Now I can only see two possible ways forward. I either need a far better substitution therapy than methadone. Because methadone makes me feel horrible. Or I need to come away from these drugs all together. Learn to live drug-free (somehow).
And somehow learn to live at all.


Syd said...

I wish that you would get away from the junk and be clean. It would be good to see your brilliance without being dulled by heroin or any other drug. Take care.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Doesn´t the will to actually live have to override your love for heroin in order for you to find the peace you´re looking for?

What is the difference between snorting heroin over injecting? Curious.

Jeannie said...

I wish I could free you. I don't hear you whining - I hear you struggling. I can't imagine even thinking about giving up something that felt THAT good. Especially when the recovery is so very awful. Plus, if you are self-medicating - you need to have that addressed. Methadone obviously isn't the thing you need. Or perhaps the only thing.

Will your doc provide anti-depressants or something? Or would a naturopath help?

Deb said...

I hope you do one day win this battle, gleds. :)

I know how difficult it is....I've seen both sides of it and lost many a friend to heroin/cocaine.

You are magnificent...no matter what other pieces make up the puzzle that is you.

Keep trying to figure it out...talking it out...thinking it out. When you do that, you're pointed in the right direction.

It is so very good to "see" you again....I've been moderating on a hockey forum, so don't get round these parts much anymore. But you're the reason for my return (always). :)


Arjan said...

I hope you get around to quitting some time, better sooner than later. Agreeing with Syd, you're a great writer.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Your story is fascinating, Gledds. I admire your honesty about your life.

How is your mom doing? You are both in my thoughts.

You are loved.


AnnaGrace said...

Your such an amazing writer, and that idea you have about writing a book as an active user without that I found god, and recovery in the end bullshit is a good idea.

But if you want to stop all this maddness then I say go for it. You are one of the most amazing people I've had the fortune of sharing words with. You deserve to get what you want out of life. When being a junky is more of burden and isn't worth the high then I wish that I could pay for that detox where they put you to sleep for three days, and you wake up without feeling dope sick I would do it in an instant.

I care about you deeply. I love your blog, and you honesty. I just wish you'd show me a photo! LOL. So not the time to say that.

I wish the best for you.

Gattina said...

I met a young man years ago who had the same disease as you (because that's what it is) he was extremely intelligent, had an amazing general knowledge in short he could have been a genius. His problem was he got bored at school because he learned to quick he must have had an amazing IQ. To escape boredom he ended up in a detoxication clinic. We talked a lot I hope he found his way by now. Sometimes you remind me of him. Your writing style is too good for a simple junkie !

Gledwood said...

Syd: Somehow... I have no idea whatsoever how I am possibly going to become and stay clean. I can't even imagine it now...

Reeny: The will to live override the will to use. Dear me I hope not otherwise I'm well and truly ****ed

Snorting heroin comes on slowly. Nothing happens for about 5 mins, then over the next 10 mins it's like being in a cold bath with a trickle of hot water... quite nice.

Injecting IV is more like diving straight into a hot swimming pool ~ wham!

Once I got addicted to IVing it, I could barely feel heroin at all by any other route (v depressing)...

Jeannie: Antidepressants tend to make me overreact to them. I get this stimulant feeling like speed, which can be nice, but makes me feel irritable and ragged and last time I found myself up for days on end not sleeping ~ just on antidepressants!! ~ then crashing down horribly into even worse depression. Which does feel suspiciously "bipolar"-like. I don't think I'm bipolar, but one of those in-between people who fall between 2 categories. Now I'm scared to take any of them again. Natropath?... No idea... Methadone I wish I could get off of and change to morphine/diamorphine therapy or the hydromorphone polymer implant I heard them talking about. I keep asking whether I can't go on a clinical trial but the local drugs service seem utterly disinterested really in anyone's welfare. They're just into box-ticking

Yeah that whining as I call it, I always think of it as chain-rattling. Doesn't make me any freer

Debs: HI!!! Great to hear from you. I am on my way to you in a moment. Saved the best till last ~ but of course ;->...

Gledwood said...

Arjan: I wish I could put the writing to some use. Or even ~ wooeeeee! ~ get paid for it (if only)

SB: Me Ma is OK I phoned her today. I am going to write her a letter


Gattina: Some junkies are to gobsmackingly thick it is astounding. Very wily but oh so thick, and the beliefs they have about drugs are absurd. One is that injecting in the neck gets gear direct to the vein. Of course it doesn't, veins run to the heart! Another one is that injecting common table salt can somehow reverse heroin overdose ~ I mean how ridiculous. One person tried to convince me that the action of cooking up gear kills the hepatitis C virus ~ o please!

I am so immensely glad not to be in that group. What I found annoying about addicts is, and this really is what distinguishes me from most others ~ they seem utterly unable to communicate how they feel. Or even how drugs feel. I wanted to know how rehab would be before I got there. Not a single person could tell me. One told me some stuff she had learned. But nobody could give any sense of what a day in there would feel like, the type of building it would be, who would be there... the simple basics.

Gledwood said...

AnnaGrace: how typical!!! Sorry I did not deliberately avoid you, just prest return at the wrong blinkin' time.

Thank you for those charming compliments...

I would love to get that anaesthetic detox too, but the local druggie agency are too stingy to pay for it. They're well into keeping you awake to suffer. But will not let you sleep through it.

This is why I say with feeling they JUST DO NOT CARE. I now know that. They are only into going to work, getting paid, filling in forms, looking like they're doing something.

If someone actually would tell the truth about how inept these "services" actually are, the entire system would come crumbling down.

They wouldn't waste their time on methadone methadone methadone ~ their obsession ~ any longer.

Nobody comes in there addicted to methadone. But we all leave that way. Addicted to heroin AND methadone. How stupid is that.

I'm just glad I'm not in America. The services there sound ever worse. E.g. someone telling you you CANNOT get methadone and benzos in their state. What kind of madness is that?! Anyone can get methadone and benzos here. Lots of people do. Of course some idiot doctors do not grasp simple very basic day one medical student facts that because methadone is an addictive opioid and we are addicts we have a HUGE TOLERANCE TO IT and so DO sometimes need benzos. No, some doctors are just too stupid to realize that. More to the point they just do not want to know.

I have been advised and thinking about it it's true ~ do not go to a white middle aged female doctor if you're an addict. They're the prissiest of all.

Re my photo: Anna I have not got a photo of me and I never would post one up. If I did i wouldn't be able to say half the things I do say. I know some people do blog very openly but for me that would never work. I.e. I am improsined for life behind the image of a hamster. Sorry about that but I do honestly look like Curt Kobain too ;->...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood