HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 21, 2010

OK just a very quick post ~ and no little birdies either!
I've spent most of today asleep with the usual exhaustion.
I was asked whether I think it's just a question of lost sleep catch-up or whether I feel ill. Really, I feel ill. It doesn't feel right.
I get the patronizing response from druggieservice and healthcare professionals that this is some kind of inertia manifesting (ie "if you don't use it you lose it" and I'm tired bc I never do anything) ~ well how do they know?
As I said, I'm just as likely to sleep in a public place as at home. I only get to a public place by exerting myself. It makes no difference how much "effort" I put into life. Whatever I do, I end up paying the for it. My body goes "no. Too much!"
There's no great mystery to all this. I'll tell you what it is. It's depression with chronic fatigue syndrome/CFS traces on top. Plus of course opiates prescribed and otherwise only exaggerate things... So that's what it is and I'm not too worried about it. If I had a fatal illness, I would have died years ago.
Wherever you are, I hope your weekends were more restorative!

No German today. I'm too erschöpft. If you are reading this somewhere German-speaking these are the keywords/Schlüsselwörter: to patronize sb jdm gönnerhaft behandeln; druggieservice (mein eigene umg) die Drogensuchtklinik; inertia Trägheit; to exert oneself sich anstrengen; effort die Mühe; CFS=chronisches Erschöpfungssyndrom; traces die Spur; to exaggerate übertreiben; fatal lebensgefährlich; restorative stärkend


Angelina de Satura said...

Habe den Englischübersetzer benutzt um Dich lesen zu können. Ich glaube verstanden zu haben, dass Du Dich heute gar nicht wohl fühlst.
Ich wünsche Dir gute Besserung und hoffe Deine Energie kommt sehr bald wieder zurück.
Ganz liebe Grüße

Gledwood said...

Danke schön... :-)

Baino said...

You need a hobby, fresh fruit and fresh air. There. And that's free advice. Although I'm tempted to send a bill in the mail.

Sternenzaubers Geschichtenhimmel said...

Lieber Gledwood

No german today. :-(
Macht nichts, hab trotzdem ein bisschen was verstanden.
Alles Liebe und Gute für Dich!

Gruss mit Lächeln
Franziska Sternenzauber

Ela said...

hi there,
i know, your name is not "there"... please tell me you real name. what for? so i know who i'm sendin a kick in the a...
your personality is worth a lot more and can do a lot more!
fresh air!
fresh fruit!
fresh water! (drink and shower!)
get up and look for little birdies, or anything that makes you happy!
look around you and find 1000 things worthwile living for...
big hug

Neckarstrand said...

wenn Du Dir heute die Mühe nicht machen kannst,alles zu übersetzen, so ist das nicht schlimm. Es geht Dir nicht gut, Du fühlt Dich unwohl. Bist erschöpft. Ja Du hast eine lebensgefährliche Krankheit. Aber dennoch: Kopf hoch -Du wirst es schaffn. Ela hat Recht: Viel Obst und Gemüse essen, viel trinken und vor allen Dingen schonen, schonen, schonen. Denk an Dein Bild, auf das ich immer wieder stoße: Sein so stark wie er.
Liebe Grüße

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you are feeling better my friend. Thank you for the message about my cousin, and yes I am fine. Thanks for that too.
Take care of yourself, Regards,

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm tired all the time, too. I think it's just a component of chronic depression. Plus, I can't drink all the time, but I can pretty much sleep all the time. Laugh.

Love you.

Gattina said...

You probably belong to the group of the "Nati stanchi" which means "born tired" and is an Italian expression.
Today I belong also to this group, it's freezing cold 12°, rains and I just could throw myself out of the window ! (I live in a bungalow)

Akelamalu said...

I'm sorry you're obviously not well Gleds. Have you tried going to your GP rather than the druggie service?

Re your question on my blog about the German postings. Why not start another blog and duplicate whatever you write here on it in German. You could leave a link on both blogs to the other one then your readers can enjoy it in whatever is their preference?

Casdok said...

Sounds very difficult. Sorry to hear the health professionals are not much help to you.

Heidegeist said...

Die Bilder sagen alles. Dir gute Besserung und Simi ist wunderschön. Liebe Grüße von Inge

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. I'm sorry you're feeling ill and you have self-diagnosed correctly, I think. Depression is a terrible thing and still not understood by many. If someone's got a broken limb, people can see it and so they make allowances for the person. But you can't "see" depression and even when people know you have it, they think it's a matter of willpower, which of course it's not. Tiredness and depression go hand in hand. I agree with your commenter who advises fresh food. Other than that, treat yourself as you would treat someone you love and remember you have many friends out here. Pat and Simi xxxx woof!

Gledwood said...


Baino: I do need to eat more fruit. There's some pretty amazing cherries out at the mo. The size of cherry tomatoes... v nice

Franziska: ich frage mich, ob meine Schlüsselwörter hilfreich waren? Für mich sind sie so, weil ich meinen Wortschatz auszubauen beabsichtige.

Gledwood said...

Ela: Hallo! When I started blogging I had to decide whether to blog with my real name and photograph, or to use a nom-de-bloggeur and hide behind the image of a hamster. I chose the 2nd option because it gives me so much more freedom to express frankly what is going on.
Depression has been an "issue" since childhood, and I was diagnosed with CFS about 15 years ago. The druggieproblems came on top of that. With a drug like heroin which is a painkiller and antidepressant of course I thought I was cured... if only!
I noticed that in German people tend to be more personal, using a blogging name and their real name as well. If it helps you can think of me as Edward. That was the pun, Edward the Confessor crossed with my dog Gleddie ie Gledwood. Sorry I can't be more precise than that...
If you could teleport stuff down the cyber-line could you send some Canadian fresh air, some cheap Levi's 501s (they're said to be way cheaper there than here), an American blue jay and some bluebirds along with that kick up the a**e!

ps your English is way better than my German, you haven't made a single mistake that I can see + you don't sound foreign 2 me, you sound Canadian

Gledwood said...

Irmi: Vielen Danken für den Ratschlag :-)
Für lebensgefährlich haben wir nicht eine Entsprechung dass genau passt. (Das andere wort wäre "tödlich".) Du hast sowieso recht, jeder Krankheit kann lebensgefährlich ~ oder lebensbeschädigend (ist das recht gesagen?) ~ sein.
Schonen habe ich nicht getan. Vor eine Woche fühlte ich mich gar nicht deprimiert ~ ganz hoffnungsvoll und froh. Aber ich schlief nicht echt. Dann nach 7 Tagen brach ich zusammen. Dies hatte nichts mit Drogen zu tun, es war eine Stimmungswelle, (so zu sagen ("mood swing" kann ich nirgends im Wörterbuch finden.))


Ä Ö Ü ß ä ö ü

Gledwood said...

See my mysterious German cuckooclock vowels came out there! Ä Ö Ü ß ä ö ü Meine geheimnisvollen deutschen Kuckucksuhrvokalen durchkamen!

Merle: thanks for the good wishes, I'm OK I'm surviving. Still sleeping too much today!

SB: ;-) thank you ~
hmmmm ~ when I had the CFS or "ME" as I called it then (the British term, which I do not like because it means myalgic encephalomyelitis ~ muscle pain and inflamation of brain and nerves, which implies causality. CFS is a description of a syndrome and more accurate in my opinion... yeah anyway when I had it really bad I couldn't drink at all, I was "alcohol intolerant" it just made me feel horrible, like I was hung over while still drinking so basically I could not and did not drink. boring!

Gattina: do you know (well you probably do bc you must get RTL/etc weather forecast) it's raining all over Europe right up to the Alps... here it's been mostly quite sunny last few days, just a bit of rain.
What's this born tired thing? I will have to google that ;-)

Akelamalu: I really need to change my GP she is useless. I tried to tell her how badly I reacted to the last antidepressant she didn't listen at all and told me it was normal side effects. Not going to bed for 4 days AT ALL is not "normal" neither is vividly hallucinating ~ see what I mean about not listening, the silly cow
... so I desperately need to change drs, luckily I live out of catchment area now so I can change easily.
I gave up frequenting GPs' surgeries years ago when I realized they had no answers... I dunno I really should give it another shot shouldn't I :-( the forlorn face means I'll try. but cannot expect much. I learned that from drs a long time ago

Casdock: no not at all :-(

Heidegeist: Danke schön. Simi ist das beste Hündchen, nicht wahr!?

Welshcakes: my old druggieworker was insisting I take a Hep C test which I've had more than once before ~ always negative ~ and didn't want to do with HER seeing the results first. I always do stuff like that confidentially in another name. She's yet another one who never listened, if she had she would know I'd had symptoms she would ascribe to hep c badly for 5 years and more mildly for another 5-10 years on and off before that.
I despair about the medical profession. It's not being listened to and being decided upon and categorized before I even finish what I'm saying that gets me.
E.g. the inference that I do nothing at all with my time. I would never tell them about my blog ~ I don't want them going out looking for it!
You're right about depression. It can be very deceptive when it's anything less than catatonically extreme. I for one convinced myself I was fine for years when I wanted to die every day. Because I could interact with people and laugh etc (forced laughter a lot of it) I told myself I was OK. My druggieservice workers were totally taken in by this front. I was in a terrible state at one point and very paranoid. Nobody noticed.
The online info with its constant repetition of DSM diagnostic criteria is not too helpful either. You need perspective in order to see what losing interest, even feeling sad etc are. If that's how you feel all the time, then what you feel is normal. I know now it is not normal bc my mood can swing up enough to feel golden. Which means depressed is NOT my ordinary state of being, it is a "condition".
Thank you v much for the advice :-)
Treating myself as someone I love. I so wish I could do that!!!
Groany-bone woofs to Simi xx



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood