HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Silver donkey OK

IF Y'ALL were wondering what I was blithering about earlier, it was mostly about my friend Belinda's poorly doggie Albert, who had an operation to remove a lump on his side last week and has been confined to his basket in sheer misery ever since.
Albert is nearly 15 years old, with fur the colour of a frosty morn. He looks like a little silver donkey with sad, sad eyes. He is so old he is almost deaf and never knows I'm there unles I put my hand down.
Yesterday he was so sick he was bundled up in a doggiecoat looking forlorn and cold ~ despite temperatures of 28C. Belinda said he's going to have to go under the knife again.
Today he looks much better. He won't be having an operation. Belinda says he looks so weary because he is stoned on all the painkillers and pills the vets gave him. Poor swine. I think he is going to be OK.

Flapper the wood pigeon is having a torrid affair! Yes! Off he flapped to the luxury high-gain aerial on the next road where he is to be seen cooing with a lady woodpigeon.
In the German version, by the way, I made a terrible mistake and said Flapper is perched up on a TV antenna with a deaf lady!
In mitigation may I point out that the German word for pigeon or dove is die Taube, while deaf is taub, so when I talk of a Taube-Frau, hoping this means a lady pigeon, I am evoking in the minds of anyone from Bremen to Berlin to Berne the image of a pigeon savagely kidnapping a disabled lady who is hanging off this pylon in sheer terror. Probably as Flapper viciously pecks at her fingertips.

The only other news is that temperatures have hit 28C and we are threatened with a weekend heatwave of 32 ~ that's 90F. The Greek lady at the druggieservice, who is from Athens. (When there is a severe heatwave in Europe it's nearly always worst in Athens. Temperatures can pass 50C/120F). She pointed out how much more oppressive is the sweltering British summer. It's nasty nasty nasty. I'm sweating like a swine.

Now here's a tune for y'all to try squawking out in the shower. I had a go and I sounded like a wicked witch having a haemorrhoidectomy without anaesthesia:

MOONFALL from The Mystery of Edwin Drood
Here's the Streisand version:


17 comments:

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I love the heat, but I like it best when there is a lake to jump in. Take care and be cool.

-Minnie

Akelamalu said...

Aw poor doggie. :(

Gledwood said...

Elaine: ever been swimming in Lake Ontario?

Akelamalu: I know; at least he's gonna be ok now (I pray) :-)

Jeannie said...

We are a little cooler - a comfy 23. I'll bet it's the humidity in Britain that's the killer. I've been in the desert near Las Vegas when it's 116 F and it's easier to take than a humid 90 because it's so dry. Plus, over there, your buildings just aren't made to ease air flow and promote cooling breezes. Do you even have portable fans easily available? My own house heats up atrociously - esp the kitchen in a heat wave. I hope to get some new windows this year and that should help a bit. Maybe some nice blinds would add to it.

I'm afraid that, if my dog were 15 and in bad shape, I would have him put down. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if my Dex gets something severe like cancer, he'll be put down rather than treated, once he's in a lot of pain. I could buy pet insurance but I really don't see the point. I love my dog but he is replaceable and if he is inclined to be sick then is it fair to grant him a long but miserable existence? To be honest, I would be willing to euthanize myself if it were legal - I have suffered a good while and if it were to get worse - even as bad as it was a year ago - with no hope of relief - I most certainly would consider suicide. Those who think it's wrong, have not lived as I have and, in my opinion, don't get to have a say in the matter.

Z said...

My dog has various lumps which were checked out some years ago and were okay, but some of them are pretty big now. However, she's old and afraid of the vets, and I'm not putting her through an operation. She's happy, not in pain, eating well - if they shorten her life a bit, better that than the pain of an operation that won't do much to help. I hope she'll go on a good long time yet, though.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I don't know who this Elaine is you keep addressing ;)

I haven't gone swimming in Lake Ontario, I live downtown and that would just be gross.

You ever gone swimming in the Thames? lol

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: old houses are usually OK in summer. Nice and cool. Specially if you keep curtains closed. Fans are about £15 each. Next time I'm buying a little £10 one ~ far more portable.
Albert has been fine up till last week, I seriously don't think he needs putting down. As long as he can get over this he'll be fine too. I just feel sorry for him. Far as he knows he woke up all dizzy and has been hurting ever since, poor swine...
I know someone who euthanized her cat. I don't think it's illegal to do that here. Anyway I think they'd have a hard job proving that was cruelty in a court of law. The cat was in a terrible state; kidney failure...
Yeah Euthanasia in humans is a tough one. I certainly disagree with outraged relatives who want to sue doctors who gave huge doses of painikillers to terminally ill elderly relatives. Let THEM suffer like that and see how they feel on half an aspirin!

Z: old Bertie's had that lump for ages. I don't think it was cancer though

Reeny: Yes I HAVE swum in the Thames!!!
When I was about 10 on a hot summer's day on the Eton side of the River at Windsor there's a place where people swim.
Actually come to think of it, being in Eton probably all manner of future dukes and marquesses and even Kings have paddled at that very spot..(!)

Ela said...

hi gled,
i just scrolled down to find the answer from u to one of my first comments... u know, the one with the kick in ur know where...
well i found it. sorry i missed that one out. ok, i got my answer.
now, i got something for u... close ur eyes and take a deep, deep breath... did u get it? it was some canadian fresh air send via ciber just for u!
blue jeys we feed over the winter, now in the summer they r all gone a few houses further. honestly, i haven't seen a single one since the snow melted and we stopped feeding. but every time i go to my friends house, they r there. ungratefull bastards! ups...
anyway, thats why a can't send u any.
501 i must look, maybe a have a pair which don't fit me... he, he!
oh, call me stupid, but i don't know what FCS means... surely i know... but this letter shorty don't know. have i mixed it up? was it fcs or hcs... maybe hfc... i'm certainly getting old!
by the way; not a bad name!
i apreciate u beeing open and kind by telling me so much personal things about u.
hope u can sleep!
and have a great day tomorrow, sorry, 4 u its allready today.
xxx ela

Baino said...

Ah you're making me wish it was summer already. The days are nice but the nights are chilly. Glad your friend's doggie is recovering. Trust me if he's not panting, breathing shallow or agitated, he's comfortable and not feeling pain. Dogs can put up with a lot before they complain. Not like some humans I know. Whingers. How to keep cool? Put a wet towel on the back of a fan, it sucks the coolness from the towel and pushes it into the air.

Mina said...

Do you have air condition at least?

Thankfully, the past 10 days or so were really comfy here. Cloudy, sometimes rainy and temperatures between 10°C and 20°C. It got a bit warmer now, but not much. I wish it would stay like that the whole summer...

Hope your friends poor dog will be ok and feel better soon!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope your friends dog
gets better and doesn't get put through more operations.
Sorry you are feeling the heat so much - best idea to sleep through it. Thanks for your comments - a brief idea of what happened. Kevin Rudd was losing popularity and changing decisions and would have lost the election, so Julia Gillard challenged him to a vote, but luckily for him, he saw the light and resigned. So now we have Julia his deputy with many of the same policies. She is doing well but time will tell. Take care, my
friend. Regards, Merle.

Gattina said...

I think your friend should leave her dog in peace, that's very egoistic of her to want to keep him alive by all means ! 15 years is already a lot for a dog.

Love the Taube Frau, hahaha !
Here it's warm too 28°, I purr like a cat, but I don't have to go downtown Brussels either, there it must be terribly sticky !

Gledwood said...

ELA ~ I think Michael Jackson's old doctor must've sneaked into my house at night and given me propofol bc I slept like a log...

BAINO I've never tried that wet towel thing, thanks for that.
The doggie wasn't panting or anything. Just very still and miserable looking. Hopefully then that means he's not too bad...

MINA they say it's hotter today but to me it feels cooler. No air conditioning!

MERLE I do try to sleep through it. My body insists on a siesta, even if I'm not up for it.
Many thanks for that explanation re the politics. You should work for the BBC. Actually they probably wouldn't employ you bc you put them to shame. None of them were able to explain it as clearly as you <;-{)

GATTINA no the dog was OK till last week, seriously. He had the op and should have been OK, he just didn't recover as quickly as expected. I'm sure he's fine now, the weary old donkey!

Ela said...

bull s....
it was the canadian fresh air i send u!!!

Syd said...

I'm glad that the dog will be okay. It is in the 90's here and has been for two + weeks. It is also humid. Not much fun to be working outside in this.

Bimbimbie said...

I think you have to decide early on for when the time comes to make that emotional decision for our pets - it should be the same for us humans too*!*

Gledwood said...

ELA: I'd love some Canadian fresh air. Esp. from high in the rockies under the evergreens (New York State of Mind)... or up in the Swiss or Austrian (or French or German or Italian) Alps! :-)

SYD: weather sounds horrible where you are. The silvery donkey is fine today (Wednesday 30th June)

BIMBIMBIE: very much so. I wouldn't put a dog down before time. I'd wait till the point of no return and do it myself if necessary

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

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Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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