HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Nightingale

Befiederter Samstag ~ die Nachtigall
Feathery Friday on Saturday

Romeo und Julia
Akt 3 Szene 5


Willst du schon gehen? Der Tag ist ja noch fern.
Es war die Nachtigall, und nicht die Lerche,
Die eben jetzt dein banges Ohr durchdrang;
Sie singt des Nachts auf dem Granatbaum dort.
Glaub, Lieber, mir: es war die Nachtigall.


Die Lerche war´s, die Tagverkünderin,
Nicht Philomele; sieh den neid´schen Streif,
Der dort im Ost der Frühe Wolken säumt.
Die Nacht hat ihre Kerzen ausgebrannt,
Der muntre Tag erklimmt die dunst´gen Höhn;
Nur Eile rettet mich, Verzug ist Tod.


Trau mir, das Licht ist nicht des Tages Licht;
Die Sonne haucht ihr Luftbild aus,
Dein Fackelträger diese Nacht zu sein,
Dir auf dem Weg nach Mantua zu leuchten;
Drum bleibe noch; zu gehen ist ja noch nicht not.


Lass sie mich greifen, ja, lass sie mich töten!
Ich gebe gern mich drein, wenn du es willst.
Nein, jenes Grau ist nicht des Morgens Auge,
Der bleiche Abglanz nur vom Cynthias Stirn.
Das ist auch nicht die Lerche, deren Schlag
Hoch über uns des Himmels Wölbung trifft.
Ich bleibe gern; zum Gehen bin ich verdrossen.
Willkommen, Tod! hat Julia dich beschlossen.
Nun Herz? Noch tagt es nicht, noch plaudern wir.


Es tagt, es tagt! Auf! Eile! Fort von hier!
Es ist die Lerche, die so heiser singt,
Und falsche Weisen, rauhen Misston gurgelt.
Man sagt, der Lerche Harmonie sei süß;
Nicht diese; sie zerreist die unsre ja.
Die Lerche, sagt man, wechselt mit der Kröte
Die Augen; möchte sie doch auch die Stimme!
Die Stimm´ ist´s ja, die Arm aus Arm uns schreckt,
Dich von mir jagt, dass sie den Tag erweckt.
Stets hell und heller wird´s; wir müssen scheiden.


Stets heller - und stets dunkler unsre Leiden.

Im Winter gab's eine Nachtigall, die hoch oben im Kirschenbaum lebte.

Am 4 oder 5 Uhr morgens, als ich Schokoladenkeks einkaufte, laufte sie die Straße entlang, und dann sitzte sie im Gebüsch meines Nachbars.

In winter, we had a nightingale, who lived high in Flapper's cherry tree.

When I used to go out to buy chocolate biscuits at 4 or 5 a.m. there he was, running along the street. Then he would go and perch in my neighbour's bushes.

Das Lied der Nachtigall ist einer der schönster aller Vogellieder.
The song of the nightingale is one of the most beautiful of all birdsongs.


Romeo and Juliet
Act 3 Scene 5


Wilt thou be gone? it is not yet near day:
It was the nightingale, and not the lark,
That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear;
Nightly she sings on yon pomegranate-tree:
Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.


It was the lark, the herald of the morn,
No nightingale: look, love, what envious streaks
Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east:
Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day
Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.
I must be gone and live, or stay and die.


Yon light is not day-light, I know it, I:
It is some meteor that the sun exhales,
To be to thee this night a torch-bearer,
And light thee on thy way to Mantua:
Therefore stay yet; thou need'st not to be gone.


Let me be ta'en, let me be put to death;
I am content, so thou wilt have it so.
I'll say yon grey is not the morning's eye,
'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia's brow;
Nor that is not the lark, whose notes do beat
The vaulty heaven so high above our heads:
I have more care to stay than will to go:
Come, death, and welcome! Juliet wills it so.
How is't, my soul? let's talk; it is not day.


It is, it is: hie hence, be gone, away!
It is the lark that sings so out of tune,
Straining harsh discords and unpleasing sharps.
Some say the lark makes sweet division;
This doth not so, for she divideth us:
Some say the lark and loathed toad change eyes,
O, now I would they had changed voices too!
Since arm from arm that voice doth us affray,
Hunting thee hence with hunt's-up to the day,
O, now be gone; more light and light it grows.


More light and light; more dark and dark our woes!


Eine außerordentliche Aufnahme (kein Video).
An excellent recording (no video).


Syd said...

The nightingale has been much heralded. Keats To a Nightingale was quite good. Your German is awesome.

Gledwood said...

Ode to a nightingale... do you know that one slipped my mind.

I wish my German really was that good ;->...

(I didn't translate that Shakespeare! You didn't think I did, did you? I don't know who the translator was, else I'd have named them... I heard Shakespeare is actually more popular in Germany than England; he was said to have been a huge influence on Goethe (who wrote verse plays but they're nothing at all like Shakespeare's) ~ and many others

sheri... said...

thanks for coming by my blog the other day and sharing your fimo with me...obviously, you are much more mature than i am ;)
i had a great time on your blog...i set off all of the birdsongs so that i could enjoy them whilst reading through your posts. you're right, you know...with your admission to having a drug problem...i have changed my mind and now i can say there is one decent junkie in this world!
your blogging is awesome and i've enjoyed your photography as well :)

Gledwood said...

Thank you!
It's not my photography, but stuff I sourced online. I DO have a camera phone now... but am going to have to learn somehow to actually get images from telephone to computer. And how on earth that is possible, I haven't the faintest idea!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood