HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Isn't this the cutest doggie in the world..?

THIS IS MY FRIEND WELSHCAKES' DOG SIMI taking a rest after an exhausting fur-cut. Isn't she the cutest little trotterdonkey you've ever seen? Her coat is spun of pure gold. I hope Welshkcakes keeps the cuttings. Perhaps if you plant them, they'll grow into a gold-tree...
Now Simi is barking at me: woof-woof-groany-bone-a-doodle. She is saying: please drop by and leave me a message telling me how beautiful I am, the link is here.

HIER ist das Hündchen von meiner Freundin Welshcakes Limoncello in Sicily, das Simi (kurz für Simone) heißt. Hier, nach einem ermüdenden Pelzschnitt, spannt der flauschige Teddybär aus. Sein Fell ist unvermischt reingesponnenes Gold, nicht wahr? Vielleicht falls Welshcakes die Schnippel in einem Topf anpflanzt, würde ein Goldbaum daraus wachsen??! Nun kläfft Simi: woof-woof-murren-i-gurren-i-knochen-pochen-dudeln. Sie sagt: bitte mal komm' vorbei und erzähle wie schön ich bin! Hier ist das Link.

(Simi spricht Englisch, Italienisch und Französisch und natürlich Doggie, aber leider kein Deutsch...)


Woof-woof!

19 comments:

jams o donnell said...

Simi is a little darling!

Gledwood said...

Aye!

Jeannie said...

She's a sweetheart for sure - but really - there's few dogs I don't fall in love with.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Simi says: Hi, Uncle Gleds! Fancy finding ME on your bloggie! I am very flattered and I'm in German too! Lots of kissies and wags, Simi xxxx woof!

Gledwood said...

Jeannie: isn't Simi the best?!

Simi: :-)

Addicted Rantings said...

Yes, she is very cute. Now, with that out of the way, why is it you have no Asian spammers leaving messages. Am I THAT special? I think not.

Ela said...

hi "there"...
mad at me? you shouldn't be. i just convinced that you're a very special person, not someone to leave aside just whishing you to get beeter soon.
and believe me, i know what i'm talking about. i had years of therapy behind me. i know very well how depressions do feel like.
i'm still getting times, when i almost loose the battle.
keep your chin up! i'm thinking fo you!
ela

Gledwood said...

AR: have you got that word recognition thing? I did start getting spam but that stopped it. It wasn't as good as your spam though, not by a long way
It's the comments like "I love your blog please come and read mine" and theirs is in friggin' Chinese anyway. Those ones get me %-/...{}

Ela: Mad at you?! Did you really think that? Or were you joking, I can't tell... I'm not even mildly annoyed.
I tried antidepressants. Every time ~ side effects. That got worse and worse, so I would be scared to take them now.
I tried counselling. I think it is down to how good your counsellor is.
I found one really good one, who as far as I know only works voluntarily one day a week. I don't think she's a professional counsellor.
Her specialty was psychodynamic counselling. If you're going to do it go the "whole hog" ~ definitely! That's my way...
My feelings to counselling are v mixed. It is bc of counselling that I am able to reden on and on here. If I'd never had it I think I'd be closed up still.
My problem is I can go in the room and talk talk talk and it seems pertinent but I'm dancing round the issue
Thanks v much for the good wishes :-)

Sternenzaubers Geschichtenhimmel said...

:-)
Herrlich! Ich mag Deine Geschichten und Dein Deutsch.
Und Simi! :-)

Herzlichst und mit Grüessli
Franziska Sternenzauber

Neckarstrand said...

Gledwood, ein wirklich wunderschöner Hund und in der Tat: Das Fell sieht aus wie gesponnenes Gold.
Lieb Grüße
Irmi

Gledwood said...

Franziska: Simi ist am schönsten, nicht wahr? :-)

Irmi: sehr gut! Schande, dass Simi ein Mischlinghündchen ist ~ halb Yorkshire Terrier; halb wer wisst was? Anderfalls könnte es viele goldenen läffenden Simi-Babies geben!

Gattina said...

Der Hund ist süss, aber meine Katzen sind noch süsser (hehehe)

Gledwood said...

Was für eine Katze kann besser als ein goldener Hund sein? Ein Diamantmoire?!? Vielleicht ist Arthur ein Platinkatze..?

PS (note to self)
Bachelor: Deutsch als Fremdsprache Leipzig

http://db.uni-leipzig.de/studieren/index.php?modus=alpha&studiengang_id=194&req=n&sprache=d

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Gimme some more Simi!

Gledwood said...

ok: see what I just posted

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Very cute dog, Gledds.

Gledwood said...

aye
simi has the following comment:
groany-bone!!

Syd said...

I like the color of the fur. Very cute.

Gledwood said...

Pure gold!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood