HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Money Monday

This is in response to Gattina's shout for Fun Monday Money participants. We are to show our wallets and money (if any) inside.
Since I never use a wallet I cannot show that, but here's our newest banknote, the Purple Twenty. Reversing the trend for a decline in aesthetic standards, this, the Bank of England's latest effort is quite classy in my view.
TODAY IS THE DAY most of the layabouts, the sick, depraved, work-&-claiming and desperately-seeking-employment brigades get paid by British Social Security.

Our country's benefits bill is so enormous that all revenue from Income Tax covers this and this alone. All other government expenditure derives from the VAT sales tax, (which is levied not only on goods but professional services ~ when my book finally comes out I will have to pay VAT as a writer, once I go over about £45,000 ~ which I hope, of course, that I will... and the multitude of levies raised principally from smokers, drinkers and motorists (no wonder our country's in a mess!)

If and when I do ever get out of the nasty Benefits Trap, and truly am well enough to work and have a life (not going straight to bed suicidally exhausted and barely able to get out when the time rolls round for work again) ~ if I ever manage this, I will be so overjoyed I plan on leaving the country!

Then I'll have a whole new set of banknotes to play with...

... hopefully piles and piles of 'em!!


Jeannie said...

I just have to wonder - why is it that you want so desperately to leave a country that has taken care of you?

Not to put you on the spot, or anything - but really?

My sister despises our mother who has provided her with probably 100's of thousands of dollars over the years. As much as I have my own problems with my mother for refusing to help me out, I don't understand my sister's seeming lack of thanks.

Akelamalu said...

I would ask you the same question as Jeannie. Don't you think it would be nice for you to pay something back into the society that has kept you for so long if/when you make your millions?

Gledwood said...

That is a v good question; I shall answer it in a post in a few mins...

Molly said...

I wish you well in your quest for many banknotes. If you leave the country, where would you like to go?

DUTA said...

Perhaps you wish to leave for a country with a better climate. That would be understandable. The climate of a place is of utmost importance when it comes to health and quality of life.

Puss-in-Boots said...

From what I gather, England is a very expensive place to live. Lord knows prices are going up here, which I think is a worldwide phenomenon anyway, but I don't think our cost of living is as high as the UK.

BTW, how's the book going? Mine's come to a bit of a halt at the moment, been busy with other things. However, I shall get going again...soon.

Baino said...

Trust me it's not that bad. I'd rather pay tax and have access to free health and social security than not frankly. At least sterling looks like real money, ours looks like plasticised Monopoly money

Syd said...

I like to visit other places but figure that most of what I like is here for all its flaws.

Gledwood said...

Syd: There is a saying: grow where you're planted. Which would be brilliant if I were a plant. But I don't have roots, I have feet. Itchy ones at that
It looks extremely photogenic where you are

Molly: Switzerland! (It changes every other day: Spain/France/Germany/Austria/Italy/Morocco/Monaco/Japan...)

DUTA: yes! Switzerland for cool, fresh air! France for more sunshine. When I was younger I would have far preferred to live somehwhere like Egypt with "proper summers" hitting 50C/130F+ ~ I think I'm a bit old for all that now

PussInBoots: The book? Dragging along. "Once I have done another 2 chapters all will be fine" I tell myself
The cost of living: well there were articles on how shockingly expensive British supermarkets were, then again I don't think the survey people shopped like ordinary shoppers. My Aussie friends used to tell me in the late 90s that UK supermarkets were full of special offers, which theirs weren't. Most people, unless they're well to do, would vary what they buy according to what's on offer. Or even go to 2 supermarkets. Which I'm sure these survey people did not...

Baino: it's not tax that's the issue. I hate the way it's squandered. I'd more than happily pay for an NHS. Or to put it another way, I never minded paying before. In fact paying tax never bothered me. That's bc it was a steady job. Money from a book is a 1-off, and coughing more than 50% of that to the govt would irk me






Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood