On and on again

I CAN'T BELIEVE LAST NIGHT I actuallly sacrificed £7.50 on the altar of my own craving. (I am trying to behave: methadone.) I knew it didn't sound right, from the start. But dealers really do not know what they are doing now (I certainly wouldn't tell one he had good gear. Ever. Not nowadays. I use toned down language about "wasn't that bad, OK I spose" or non-toned-down language "What the hell was that?!?" (nowadays specially). It was dark, went black in the works. Person who took other half of 2 for £15 deal said "nothing in it. Possibly mild sedatives." But he is banging away at Suboxone, so perhaps no wonder. I tried it myself, well obviously. Left a bit on the filter (this is crucial, as you will see...) Bear in mind this was NOT "heroin #4" yet it cooked down without any vit C, and didn't look or taste like it had vit c in it. Tasted bitter (as liquid) but not bitter enough and not right. I could smell gear on it when I opened the bag. Afterwards I decided I must just have a sharp nose. Because there WAS some tiny bit in there. I got that when I did the filter and DID put vit C on it. The filter was x10 stronger than the hit! A flush of gear, then nothing. Like a 50p-£1 filter on very good gear. And considering my tolerance has inevitably fallen, that ain't saying much.
I put a shout out (I hope I was using the right words, Googleable words) in German, to anyone in Germany, Switzerland, Austria or anywhere else who could vouch the situation.
Germans, it took me ages to grasp, do not call a shortage a drought. Germans do not say something is droughted when it's not there. The word is Heroinmangel, as in going through a torture-flattener clothes wringer. Quite a good description in my view.
Was craving and craving away this morning. I'm glad I've left it. I have NOT been ringing dealers. I don't want to sound desperate. I enjoy tellling them I don't need their product now. They know me well enough to know IF IT'S RIGHT (in the past) I HAVE paid for it, so I'm burning no bridges by saying this.
That is my deepest fear, as an addict. Burning bridges. Ukh. Hate to do it. Was once advised in rehab to tear up phone nubers. No! What, so I can relapse and have to beg for them back? Pay higher prices for the same thing from other people. No. And the main ones (this was before mobile phones were almost universal as now) I remembered off by heart. I still know a good 3 or 4. 3 are still active. Or were, before this shortage. Apart from that, I do not know a single number off-pat. That's why I copy them again and again so obsessively. I know someone who lost a mobile phone with every main number in Hackney. No way of getting them back. NO!!
If there's no drought in Europe, there should not be one here and it will correct itself within weeks at the longest.
If there is a price-hike in Europe, there will be one here.

Britain is the strongest heroin market in Europe. I have known a lot of people (from the relevant countries) who told me facts that chimed again and again. I checked online and this is bourne out. In Britain gear is more expensive (nowhere near Swedish prices though) but stronger than in France (massively) Austria (massively) and still better than Germany and Spain. Even Holland at street level had a lower average purity, according to the website. The person I know who went there was in Dutch rehab, relapsed and, I suspect, in that state would be more easily impressed. He did say Dutch crack was way better (not difficult, nowadays. It's nothing like what it used to be. On a £10 pipe (one breath) I felt like my head was in a microwave on full power. My ears haven't even rung. And I haven't touched it in ... 2-3 weeks. That was only becuse I was helping out an annoying friend. The annoyance, stress, bad memories, vile feelings, wind-up ~ to the point of wanting to puke ~ etc etc outdid the crack high, even though I waited till I felt calm before doing it. Of course if he wanted it and was paying for it, I'd do it. I have not gone out of my way to get crack since I cannot remember when.
Well it's all gone drugs drugs drugs even though I'm not taking any.
For those of you looking, here's some dirty and clean blogs. They should all be on the sidebar, at the top with pictures is up to date. My side bar contains lists of every obsession I've had no matter how irrelevant to anyone else. Imagine you're poking through my diary/address book. That's the mess.

Now I'm out of here. 1.30 nearly and I haven't even been outside.
I'm tired of the day already.
To die, to sleep
perchance not to dream
Isn't that the ideal? Not to think/feel/remember/be thought of/felt about/remembered...
Or aware of in any manner or style of existence ever in past or future. And certainly not present.
No birth no death. No pain. Yes.

To any of you reading this with no script, not knowing what's going on, when it's going to change, you have my sympathy. The news is about 5 posts down, where all the comments are.


THE BLOGS
Anna Grace: I hate my face, I hate this place and I'm strung out again. I love Anna. She loves me. She crazy?? Went junkie-methadone-Suboxone. Declares she still wants to use. I tell her if she wanted to that much she'd do it and she hasn't so ...
Melody Lee is Damned: hasn't updated for ages. Not ODd and dead, so I hear (contrary to rumour). Bitch-fight, crackhouse etc stories v entertaining
Journey to the Nods. Noah. Black tar and Colombian white (heroin) user, central USA. Last post about driving the Tar Man to motels and various shacks for a free eighth (I don't think most London dealers would be so generous for one evening's work)
Memoirs of a Heroinhead: Shane in France. Who comes from London. Most recent post about doing gear and crack with his Mum is very "vivid"
Australian Heroin Diaries: not so much personal as a news blog. From Australia. About drugs. Well-researched. Terry is lucky enough to get morphine pills on the Aussie NHS. Says they're way better than methadone
Normal Life on Methadone: Mina. In Austria. Who is normal now and actually does normal things
An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom: has to tie with "Broken-hearted Mom" as alltime best parent blog-title (of 20somthing, not underage teen). If you want to read about the other side of addiction, praying to God your kid doesn't overdose in an alleyway, sick and tired of being hit for money, etc... the links are here. The Family Contract (at least most recent one) as well as giving in all wages to Dad, no association with old friends, ie treating their son like a big baby (but then again what else works, I think they've tried everything and found nothing) also included turning in dealers' numbers which will then go to law inforcement. I commented advising caution. (Surely as head of house, first responsibility is safety and wellbeing of household, not performing public service of giving police numbers/"names" they probably know anyway thanks to blabbermouth crooks. Decision was made so I did not bang on about ins and outs of it.)

BODYSNATCH: JUST 4U LONDON

Anyone remember this crazy tune?

e e e e !

The little person doesn't start dancing till around 55secs.