HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, November 22, 2010


I WOKE UP TODAY, late. In misery, bordering on despair. I had the darkest thoughts. Couldn't move myself for an hour, 2 hours. It felt like all day. Then the phone rang. FREEBIE! It was way better than anything I remember. Of course, standards have fallen.
That makes it v hard to give marks out of 10. Isn't it best; it's not as good as it was, but it's way better than what's been around. That's the best. B is a long-term business. Customers come back and back and back, over years.

That is what certain kiddie "shotters" (as they call themselves) need to understand. Just because someone glides past on a mountainbike. Nobody hands over £10 without a sample. If the gear is shyte or the bags are small, nobody comes back, except as a last resort. Trying heroin is a foolish thing to do. That doesn't mean addicts are fools. Addicts are stuck in addiction. If you're spending as much as many of us do, you want the best possible deal: Basic human nature!

I can give an example. Someone I have known for ages passed his phone over to someone else, who is full of smoothtalk and slang (even American slang, he said something to me I couldn't catch. Afterwards I realized he was probably saying "it's fire, innit?" (v. good). Well no, it was not extraordinarily satisfactory at all! Not "fire" as nobody says (do they?) this side of New Jersey! This guy, who sounds all smooth over the phone, was telling me it's "peng" (strong) ... etc etc etc. My feeling was right. He does not know what he is talking about. And his bags are well undersized. Everyone else says this too. Great way to lose all your customers. Put someone like that in charge.

If this seems a mush, o man... you really have to realize I was so so tired and woke up feeling like I'd fallen off a horse/bike/giraffe. Acheing all over. That's why a good 25 comments built at the DROUGHT NEWS: HERE.

RE this morning's comments on the heroin drought post, can I add, if you can't find any new ones it's because numbers have exceeded 200. At the very bottom of the form are words to click on: "newer/newest" that's how I got to them. Moderation is staying on, not as censorship, but so I know what people are saying. I cannot reply to every single person individually. I do very much appreciate that y'all have come here.

I am going to post this quickly, else it will never get done.

I am irritated with the government, for giving me and so many of us methadone. Yes it's FAR better than nothing, but still nowhere near as good as something else. Theoretically, "substitution therapy", as they call it, could involve any of the vast pharmacopea of opiates and opioids. Dilaudid/hydromorphone, "oxy", pethidine, morphine... fentanyl even (patches, lollies)... up to IV diamorphine. Yes it might be giving addicts a free fix or non-injectable pill. But what is worst? Rampant shoplifting and crime or cutting the dealers' market off? Making addicts suffer just does not work. To those not ready to give up, it just sends a personal message "I will never let this happen to me again". And when you're lost in addiction you tend to do that by carrying on using.

I don't want to go into just how bad I feel sometimes, because I know lots out there are suffering also. Suffice it to say: I really do find it difficult.

If only they could change the medication (not necessarily to an injectable) it might be x100 easier to stick to a script.

Me and Pads are waiting on a G, hoping it will come fast. The gear's not "normal" but it's far better than "TCP", not full of sedatives, doesn't block a works. I saw it, I know. What it does do is go cloudy on a foil (makes you cough), looks like orange juice in a works.

Re: being clean. I despair. I felt so bad this morning. Suicidally bad. I feel torn in two, it's never been this dire. Knowing I'm blogging to say what I think and feel, yet not wanting to (appear to) give blessing to some dangerous idea someone else might be contemplating.

I feel I have a moral responsibility to help or save from harm, not condemn. There are plenty others out there doing the condemnation.

Da man is taking ages.

Sorry to my friends who know me from before who are more used to a higher hamsters than herion quotient. There is crisis here. I am only doing what I think I can do to help.

(And what else can I do.)

Gotta dash. Alcohol-glugging way down. Which is v good, considering it's a Monday (drink day).

Illustrated: fake-looking B


Lady Anon said...

Hey Gledwood. Don't despair! Don't censor yourself...Sorry you feel responsible for us.

I am sure most people are just fucking grateful & glad to have a space to moan!

Don't feel you have to b chained to your computer constantly approving comments!

I too am so angry at drug policy in this country, we should all turn up at Westminster burning our scripts....


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel man. I'm on a script so I'm not ill, I'm just missing that 'hug' that I don't seem to get from anywhere else in my life.

I have a full time job and a decentish place to live and since I'm not sick all should be well, but my script doesn't give me the peace of mind, motivation and sense of well-being that I get from gear.

I'm a pretty fucking horrible person when I'm not on gear. People have been asking me what the hell is wrong with me.

Thanks for this blog, Gledders. You've brought a lot of people together who would never have been in touch otherwise, and that's a great thing.

Here's praying that it's all sorted next week, but I'm starting to accept the fact that it might be next year. I would fly to Afghanistan if it didn't cost A THOUSAND POUNDS. Would I risk being beheaded for the chance to have a couple more weeks in paradise? In a heartbeat. I just need to find that thousand pounds....

Gledwood said...

Kady A: don't take that too much to heart. IT's not that I feel responsible for you, or most of the regular commentators. More the knowledge that anyone in a highly distractible all-over-the-place state of mind tends NOT to read all posts THOROUGHLY and CAREFULLY. I know, I've been there on several occasions. They tend to absorb what they want to see. In my case, I din't want it to appear I'm saying suicide is cool I genuinely don't think this and would be gutted if someone topped themselves after reading anaything here... Know what I mean!?!??!

Anon, if you genuinely don't care about being killed when you get caught, China would be the way to go. How on earth could they believe 50kg China White is a lifetime's "personal"..? I mean, if you went to the trouble of bringing it across the world, would you sell it on? Me never in a million years!
I think they shot themselves in the foot mandating instent death by firing squad. What nihilistic junkie would be afraid of that. End-stage drug addicts aren't affraid of death. It's LIVING ~ drug-free @ that's utterly terrifying!!

Gledwood said...

Innit depressing the way you need gear, not just to function but to stay sane... relationships, all else ~ major strain without it.

To anyone reading who is parent of an addict. Don't assume we don't know how it feels looking out for/being with someone else on gear. I have woken up and cried and cried "I don't want you to die..!" and SHE (longer habit by far) had to reassure ME. I do know that feeling of deepseated terror. So anyone dealing with a habit from the outside, I have some glimspse of what you must go through.

Sian I tried clicking your name, the profile is blocked. I think you need to "edit profile" and set it to public. Then it should link to your blog. I'm going there now

cheers Sian, cheers all

Anonymous said...

Another day, It's weird, sometimes I can do things and be nice, but, othertimes I want to scream at people (mainly my other half who doesn't deserve it) and throw things ( which I have only done once so far - a book) occasionaly I crave.
Currently, I worry, as there is a chance that after work the other half will be doing an 8hr or more round trip to potentialy unfriendly places with some people in the hope of getting something. As much as I say I cannot live without B, I am almost doing it, I Know I would be in a terrible state without my Beloved.
Hang in there everyone,
Best Wishes,

Gledwood said...

if u can trust the other 1/2 to come back with what he bought and share it, rather than declaring "I only found 1g!" when you know fullwell the other 2.5 went to him/his mates long in advance... sorry to be cynical but ,,, well y'know what people = like

stay safe. I know exctly what you mean about not being able to do without, yet feeling stronger for doing it. then more turns up and it's WELCOME HOME..!

Alice said...

extract from my blog today...
Am i wrong, is what junkies believe wrong? why is heroin wrong? its only wrong because of the law. IV use of pure heroin is totally safe if in the correct dosage, it onyl becomes dangerous because H is illegal and people make it on the black market. People say that we steal and commit crimes to get it because we become addicted, yes we become addicted by we i have never stolen anything or hurt anyone to get my drugs, only because it is illegal and not available on pescription is because do people have to resort to drastic measures to get it.
its saved my life, i really believe i would have killed myslef if i had not discovered this realise that i cant get from anywhere else. It ruins peoples lives, true but only because the law says no, if it was available to addicts then we could resume normal life and not give money to criminals to get it.
Poppies are natural, it is an ancient drug used by the Chinese upper classes for hundreds of years, if your religious then god created opiates. Is the world wrong or are we wrong?

its so nice to read your blog glen and realize there are still good literate junkies out there, rather than back stabbing robbing bastards

Anonymous said...

Gledwood I feel your pain brother, we had a big drought in Australia 2001 2002 no gear or shit gear lasted for 3 months ,when the good gear came back price had gone from $40 to $100 for a deal and much harder to find .Wasted so much money on shit ,my advice to you all is to wait it out ,i know easy said but I found by doing the poppy seed wash I could feel a little better,shit if I used my brain I could of stopped all together,but when that good gear comes back how could i say no.POPPY SEED WASH 200grams seeds 1liter bottle .seeds into bottle ,700 mls hot water shake and drink,takes that bad edge off ,you dont feel well but your not as sick,best seeds come from heath food shops

Lucinda said...

It's so funny because I logged on to this and had just jotted something down in my notebook: "I'm just here. Waiting." I think we're on the same wavelength at the moment.

BTW, I've never heard anyone use the term "fire." But maybe that's just the people I know.

It's always good to see you're still here Gleds, it always makes me feel a bit better.

Gledwood said...

Has anyone heard of !polish heroin' ~ it dates back to Iron Curtain times

Also the 1st Afghanistan war, when Soviet Union went in, in the 80s.... loads of gear flooded Russia. Same phenomenon as US troops in Vietnam. No idea how they treated it,I would imagine the system was ROUGH.

We are lucky with our juice. In someon countries they don't even wanna give out that. So best off counting our blessings rather than whingeing (the way I specialize).

I only whinge, bc I know FAR BETTER options are out there, in theory at least. Take care, Y'all!

Gledwood said...



Anonymous said...

Thank You for a Good Laugh, Gledwood!
I know a number of couples/friends etc, where that scenario would play out!
But,PJ (My Other Half), just not!
He is one of those Gold Dust junkies who has always worked hard despite the situation and has a rare decency and honesty.
My Soulmate, it would be salt if we were married, I wouldn't be without him.
We are exploring our relationship without gear for maybe the first time and I think we're doing alright, it has always felt like more than just 2 junkies, It's quite hard to sum it all up.
As Usual the long journey/deal fell through (2nd time too)!
More desperation and trying to practice a normal life, keeping busy.
Trying to Remember, LIFE GOES ON.

Hope Everyone has a better day tomorrow!
Mildly Happy.

Gledwood said...

Thanks v much for getting in touch Luce, long time!

Hope all's well. You off it, on it, or chipping?

(Or using something else? Please indulge my nosiness: what!!?! E.g. you into dilaudid/oxy? How d'they compare to heroin?)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood