HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, May 22, 2011


I SPENT £10.20 on a pink and yellow bouncy ball and a bag of heroin. I got far more value out of the bouncy ball, which is fluorescent and bounces at least 20 feet high if you really slam it into the ground.

I was sat so still on the bench that the little birdies came up to me. A tiny flock of sparrows went for a sway in the bushes. Then one thrummed across the road and sat in the eves of a house.

A blackbird with a beakfull of worms ran right to my feet, then scurried off. A pair of bluetits came too.

Then my drug dealer phoned to say he was outside the local pub. I met him quickly and pinged home. The gear went cloudy in the works and I had to inject in the side of my right hand, just down from the little finger. My hand hurts a bit, but I got something of a high, so who cares.

I think the 20p bouncy ball and the birdies cheered me up more than the heroin ever could. Before them, my mind was fixated on the usual theme of these days: euthanasia, death penalty for heroin addicts, and suicide.

Anna Grace has gone straight back on the gear, right after spending four days of torment detoxing cold off the last lot. I know why she went back to it. Life seems terrifyingly bleak and empty without opiates. You wish you had never been born. The only remedy that seems viable is suicide ~ or to go back on opiates until death takes you anyhow.

I'm thinking of reaffirming my old "till death do us part~" commitment to heroin. Narcotics Anonymous say you must be willing to make any sacrifice in order to stay clean. Even if it means losing an arm, you must do it. I've been willing to commit everything to heroin in the past. If I could turn it around and commit everything to sobriety, I might succeed. And seeing as I break every resolution I've ever made (especially regarding my drug addiction) I think I should resolve most definitely to go on using until I die. Then I might break it by cleaning up. That's the only positive way I can phrase the actions of today.

Well I've got to go. I'm out of money now, so no cup a soup, no croutons, no corned beef. Just Greek pasty-shaped baps with cheese baked in the inside (2 at 50p each). And Mr Dippy 59p hummous. So I got dinner today for £1.59.

My weight has gone down to 13 stone 7 and 3/4lbs. Which works out at 190 lbs, meaning I've only lost 11 lbs in over a month! I'm going to really have to make this diet of mine more drastic still. And those antipsychotics are going to make me put on EVEN MORE weight. I keep getting Radio GaGa. Eg when I came home at midday my head was tuned into the Nonsense Channel. It was starting to irritate me.

I'm not happy with all the death talk in my recent blog; but that's what I've been thinking about.

I did get advised to go down the park, and I did go and got entertained by the tiny birdies trotting around the bushes. So that's one good thing.

I hope you all had a passable weekend XXXXXXX


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Gled,
Your afternoon with the birds sounds so tranquil.
I don't know about heroin and maybe it's better than legal meds, maybe worse.
Your florescent ball sounds fun.
I met this guy who was crazy about balloons, really seriously into them,(it seemed to be almost sexual)
My sister is not doing well, she was knocked out in the truck and her bf wandering off drunk and I wondered do they get any pleasure at all living as they do.Just being passed out the entire day.
Oh well, I've been thinking too much.

Akelamalu said...

I'm back and busy downloading the 400+ photos we took, which I hope to start sharing sometime this week. :)

I was really hoping to come back and read that you were off the heroin Gleds.

Gledwood said...

Taffeta: i was waiting for the dealer but it was more fun than taking the actual drugs

Akelamalu: i did stay off it for 4 or 5 or 6 days (I don't know how many; I didn't count... hang on 5 days it was) yeah I stayed off for 5 days but felt so lousy i used it again. It wasn't really any fun so I'm not sure its worth bothering with again

Tea said...

Oh Gleds, It`s been so long since I`ve visited and am so sorry to hear that this struggle is still such a fight for you :(




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood