HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

No gear and barely any booze

IT'S QUARTER TO FOUR IN THE MORNING. I've been up since 1:30. I went to bed at three in the afternoon because I was so tired but my body refused to sleep through. I woke up feeling like a block of ice.
Drank that nasty poisonous methadone syrup as soon as I got up. It still took a good 90 minutes to actually work. I absolutely loathe methadone. Whenever I think about it I wish I was dead. I'm not joking either. I think junkies should be shot through the brains. It would probably take a specialist marksman to actually have the accuracy to hit what scant brains most addicts have got. That would be a far better treatment than methadone prescription (not to mention cheaper).

If you think that's drastic, then make death by firing squad voluntary. Loads of addicts would volunteer. Once you've got addicted to heroin you see how useless life actually is and the only thing to look forward to apart from another dose of heroin, is death.

I don't know why I'm giving up heroin, I can't explain it to anyone. Heroin was the only thing that ever made life seem worth living. Take it away and you see things for what they actually are. Unspeakably bleak and worthless. Dark and empty. And unbearable.

Well I'm having another chicken and veg cup a soup with croutons. It's no substitute for heroin, but it's better than methadone as far as getting a high goes. I can't drink coffee because that has yet more drugs in it and I'm trying to go drugs free. One day, when I was having a nervous breakdown, I drank a few cups of coffee in a row. This made me go so out of it I felt like a television when the aerial falls out the back. My brains were full of racing black and white dots, pinging so quickly, hissing so loud that all I felt and all I was was utter insanity. That happened to me every day for five days in a row. Now I keep having flashbacks about it. It was one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me.

I really wish I had killed myself when I was deranged enough to actually do it. I can't believe I'm actually living on methadone, the ultimate in mediocre compromise. Why do they give IV drug addicts an ORAL medication? That's just a way of torturing the sick. I hate doctors for doing this.

I'm like those old ladies addicted to Valium. The Valium is doing them no harm, except that they know they're addicted to it. Because they don't like the feeling of depending on something chemical, they decide they must stop taking it. That's me and heroin. I don't like relying on anything outside myself. I don't even like eating. When those idiotic halfbrained criminals droughted the UK heroin market last autumn it really rubbed into me how much I relied on those bastards for my peace of mind. Now I don't ever want to rely on those people again.

I don't think I'll ever have any wellbeing without heroin, or that there will ever be any point to being alive. But I'm trying not to think about that. It's supposed to be better not to be on heroin than to be on it. I'm not actually sure that's true. But I do know I want to be off heroin for good. But I want to do it for me. I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Well I've got to go; I can't think up anything positive or informative to say. The only good thing that's happening to me is I keep getting "mental health" symptoms back. I quite like my brainbox going all bizarre on me. It's like free entertainment. I mean, there's nothing I can do about that anyway, if it happens it happens. So I might as well have some fun out of it.

I've been reading the AA Big Book. It makes me want to go to AA. I relate to about 50% of what I read in there. Although I drink every day I never got confidence from alcohol. It never felt like the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle called me. That missing piece is called Heroin. Alcohol was only ever something cheap and easy to get hold of that potentiated heroin's effects and gave Dutch Courage for begging up cash on the streets. I don't take one drink and have to take endless more until I pass out. I have binged on alcohol ~ I went up to 4 litres 7.5% cyder last autumn when there was no decent heroin to buy. That's slightly more than one bottle of whisky per day. I only drank that heavily for a very short while. But I do relate to the AA stories about blackouts. I lost days on end. I literally could not remember anything I'd done. Probably nothing worth remembering anyhow.

So that's my life: I'm off heroin, I'm going off alcohol ~ I'm down to one can of cyder a day now. And I don't even like drinking that. The taste is absolutely foul.

None of this feels at all worthwhile. The idea of not taking drugs and not drinking just makes me want to go to bed for ever.

Well that's that. I hope you're either stoned on hard drugs or really happy, wherever you are. Take care :-)

8 comments:

Baino said...

Alright possum, it's the naggy Bainster here . .if you're giving up everything and feel like shit, you need a substitute. I've been thinking about you and frankly, you spend too much time inside the house, in bed and cogitating in front of the computer. You need a routine that gets you outside. Go research free stuff . . museums, galleries, parks, whatever and have an excursion a day, something to get out of bed for. Or volunteer or something.

To answer your question about the NHS, yes, it's better than here. But mental health is a problem here, very difficult to get free assistance without being checked into a hospital. Although there are some good voluntary organisations like Beyond Blue etc.

Anyway, get out of the house, summer's coming and it's amazing how a good dose of sunshine can make things seem better.

Have a tops weekend.

Gledwood said...

i need to go down st james's park, they have nice shyte down there

i'm doing the laundry on monday, so i can go down there without gumming up the tube train with all the stale sweat on me ha ha!

Vincent said...

Baino has a very good point. There's lots that life has to offer, you're just not seeing it right now because kicking the habit is all you think about. Once you've kicked it you can enjoy life again: Yourself, your family, your friends, make new friends, nature, hobbies, writing, do any kind of work you like, travel, improve your skills, find new skills, help others, inspire others.

Lots of things you could be doing mate, lots of things...

Anna Grace said...

as you give up, I take up as far as heroin goes. When your down, I'm up mood wise. I see your not feeling like doing anything, and I wrote the introduction to my book myself. I was just so scared yesterday that I wouldn't be able to do it. I got thru it, I listened to some music, and it inspired me. I had to take extra Adderal to keep me up on this damned heroin.


I see that as a user I am damned, and being shot by a fireing squad would do me more good than harm. If you get what I'm saying.

Oh well, what can I do? Nothing.

Syd said...

I like what Baino said too. Get out and do something. Go to a museum,library, go to school, study Chinese or German. Enjoy life because it is good.

Anna Grace said...

Fuck life isn't good. Try being bi polar with horriable depression.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Gled & Anna,

I think life can never ever be one great happy time with a fairy tale ending. There are many, many sufferings in life. I've never taken a pill that made me happy despite the rounds of unfortunate circumstances that is life.
If one ever does get created and it's legal, the whole world would take it and stay on it.
Take care guys,
j.

Gledwood said...

i went out down the park on sunday and the hour waiting for my dealer to get up in the morning was actually the most fun i'd had in weeks..! watching the tiny tits and sparrows fluttering about...

Anna... how come our moods are at constant odds like that?..?? it's not fair. i wish we could both be manic enough to feel really good at the same time, and for months and months on end if not years.......???!!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood