No gear and barely any booze

IT'S QUARTER TO FOUR IN THE MORNING. I've been up since 1:30. I went to bed at three in the afternoon because I was so tired but my body refused to sleep through. I woke up feeling like a block of ice.
Drank that nasty poisonous methadone syrup as soon as I got up. It still took a good 90 minutes to actually work. I absolutely loathe methadone. Whenever I think about it I wish I was dead. I'm not joking either. I think junkies should be shot through the brains. It would probably take a specialist marksman to actually have the accuracy to hit what scant brains most addicts have got. That would be a far better treatment than methadone prescription (not to mention cheaper).

If you think that's drastic, then make death by firing squad voluntary. Loads of addicts would volunteer. Once you've got addicted to heroin you see how useless life actually is and the only thing to look forward to apart from another dose of heroin, is death.

I don't know why I'm giving up heroin, I can't explain it to anyone. Heroin was the only thing that ever made life seem worth living. Take it away and you see things for what they actually are. Unspeakably bleak and worthless. Dark and empty. And unbearable.

Well I'm having another chicken and veg cup a soup with croutons. It's no substitute for heroin, but it's better than methadone as far as getting a high goes. I can't drink coffee because that has yet more drugs in it and I'm trying to go drugs free. One day, when I was having a nervous breakdown, I drank a few cups of coffee in a row. This made me go so out of it I felt like a television when the aerial falls out the back. My brains were full of racing black and white dots, pinging so quickly, hissing so loud that all I felt and all I was was utter insanity. That happened to me every day for five days in a row. Now I keep having flashbacks about it. It was one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me.

I really wish I had killed myself when I was deranged enough to actually do it. I can't believe I'm actually living on methadone, the ultimate in mediocre compromise. Why do they give IV drug addicts an ORAL medication? That's just a way of torturing the sick. I hate doctors for doing this.

I'm like those old ladies addicted to Valium. The Valium is doing them no harm, except that they know they're addicted to it. Because they don't like the feeling of depending on something chemical, they decide they must stop taking it. That's me and heroin. I don't like relying on anything outside myself. I don't even like eating. When those idiotic halfbrained criminals droughted the UK heroin market last autumn it really rubbed into me how much I relied on those bastards for my peace of mind. Now I don't ever want to rely on those people again.

I don't think I'll ever have any wellbeing without heroin, or that there will ever be any point to being alive. But I'm trying not to think about that. It's supposed to be better not to be on heroin than to be on it. I'm not actually sure that's true. But I do know I want to be off heroin for good. But I want to do it for me. I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Well I've got to go; I can't think up anything positive or informative to say. The only good thing that's happening to me is I keep getting "mental health" symptoms back. I quite like my brainbox going all bizarre on me. It's like free entertainment. I mean, there's nothing I can do about that anyway, if it happens it happens. So I might as well have some fun out of it.

I've been reading the AA Big Book. It makes me want to go to AA. I relate to about 50% of what I read in there. Although I drink every day I never got confidence from alcohol. It never felt like the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle called me. That missing piece is called Heroin. Alcohol was only ever something cheap and easy to get hold of that potentiated heroin's effects and gave Dutch Courage for begging up cash on the streets. I don't take one drink and have to take endless more until I pass out. I have binged on alcohol ~ I went up to 4 litres 7.5% cyder last autumn when there was no decent heroin to buy. That's slightly more than one bottle of whisky per day. I only drank that heavily for a very short while. But I do relate to the AA stories about blackouts. I lost days on end. I literally could not remember anything I'd done. Probably nothing worth remembering anyhow.

So that's my life: I'm off heroin, I'm going off alcohol ~ I'm down to one can of cyder a day now. And I don't even like drinking that. The taste is absolutely foul.

None of this feels at all worthwhile. The idea of not taking drugs and not drinking just makes me want to go to bed for ever.

Well that's that. I hope you're either stoned on hard drugs or really happy, wherever you are. Take care :-)