HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, May 06, 2011

A Laugh

HALF MY BRAIN TELLS ME not to post this. But what else would I say? Might as well have a good laugh about dying. I'm sure lots of people would find it funny if I died.

I'M IN A GOOD MOOD because I went out to spent my last pennies on alcohol, found a pound plus some orange mixer (for cyder) then went back, shot the entire lot down and read Valerie.
Valerie [2 posts down] is the only thing that cheers me up. How I can write that way when Im depressed I do not know. I must be like those stage actors and comedians who put on a bravura performance then shoot themselves dead in the dressingroom afterwards.

If you want to see someone stick a gun in their mouth and actually do it, the link's on the post below. It fills me with heart to see somebody die so easily. I wish our bastard government would legalize handguns for the "mentally ill" or restore the death penalty. Then I'd find an old lady patently in agony and dying, kill her with her consent, make it look like I'd robbed the place and write a false diary full of yucky fantasies about old ladies: all the shit you need to get hanged.

Tonkie Ears the mouse has deserted me. I have no hamsters left and am not in a state to look after pets. I keep fantasizing about going down the nuthouse but I'd rather give up looking left and right when I cross the road. Every time a car (or better still a bus or truck) whizzes past I have this moment of despair when I realize I have lost yet another chance to get smashed to smithereens.

XXX suicide ideation shit deleted XXX

I could buy a gun. I could also pay somebody to shoot me. If you can take out a hit on someone else you could surely get one put on yourself.

I have to be careful what I say about death, because although I believe everybody would be better off dead, it's probably considered immoral (by God) to post anything up that could be seen as encouragement. When I do die I wanted my body to go to medical science (to be dissected by trainee doctors) but that rules out all the best suicide methods. Ie very quick and very violent ones involving massive injury to the head. I wouldn't jump off a bridge for this very reason: your legs get it first. I want my head smashed to such a pulp there's nothing left.

I went to bed during the day to escape the world. I'm on a 500cals food (plus 2 cans cyder so that's about 2000 more) diet. I'm hungry all the time now but I'm not giving in.

The only thing that is ever going to make me better is heroin and heroin is illegal. Which means I am illegal. Which means I should die.

It's that simple. No I'm not going to do it tonight. I won't do it until I have money to buy more heroin and make an informed choice.

11 comments:

Anna Grace said...

Oh God, I feel like I just intesified your wanting to die by putting up that post of a man shooting himself.

You will get mania back. Depression seems like it lasts forever(and it does), but eventually the mania will return. After that mania is another depression. I guess when you look at it that way really what point is there to living? Just to see another depression yet again.

Your pain in your back, god you sound like Kurt Cobain. ie:his pain in his stomach. Please don't kill yourself. I really want to meet you someday. I've promised myself that I will go to London and look you up. IF both of us are still depressed then I'll kill you then myself, or we do ourselves in at the same time.

I sound like an awefull friend. Offering to do you in. Please be happy. I know you can't I just wish you could be happy. I wish I could be happy without drugs.

I'm going back on Methadone on Thursday. How depressing is that?

do you read my whole comments. They are rather boring in my opinon. I mean the comments that I leave.

Life sucks this I know for the lord told me so. I can't wait for 2012 when the world is suppose to end. With my luck I'd be the only survior.

Maybe you just need someone to cudle you, and stroke your hair. Love you for who you are. You deserve that you know. I would if you'd let me, but I have a feeling you'd keep me at arms lenght because your so used to isolating yourself. Have you tried to find a partner? I'm sure there is someone in London who loves you no matter what. As they say there are plenty of fish in the sea. Really I don't think thats true, there aren't plenty of fish in the sea. Nobody loves me or has loved me for who I am. A junky, at times a whore, introverted, lazy, fluctuating weight, craziness, etc....

I've always gone crazy in front of my boyfriends and they never comfort me, they just try to get away. One even pulled me by the hair outside so he didn't have to watch me destroy everything in the house trying to find dope I hid on myself.

I was in a good mood earlier, but now that glow has worn off, and I need another shot. Which makes me more depressed, knowing I have to wake up in the morning, and shoot up to feel better about life, and myself.

Spindrift said...

you are a gentle man that does things your way :o) safe journey. paul

Anonymous said...

Hey Gleds, what's happening with the swimming thing?

Take care mate! :-)

Gledwood said...

ANNA: someone told me the reason I keep myself so dirty is to keep people at arms' length and I was amazed they'd even thought about me enough to realize that. That is definitely why it started. Also I was making money begging so I didn't NEED to be really well presented. I didn't need to look like absolute living shit either which is how I look now.

Yes I do read them all the way through and they're not boring.

I hope you're right about the mania, that's the only hope I've got and the big reason I don't want to see my psychiatrist. I know he won't accept "but I just want to be manic again" and will try and medicate me also he will be pissed off if he finds out I'm not taking the antipsychotic. I don't get a mood stabilizer and I don't want one I'd rather be manic again. I don't care about being suicidal it's worth it to feel like you're in heaven afterwards. I felt like my whole body was turning into electricity and I had millions of volts of power surging through me I felt fucking amazing. So of coure I want to be like that again.

At least you've got heroin for now. I don't know about you but it tended just to take the edge off. Life was depressing on heroin and absolutely unbearable without it (ie on methadone). Methadone just doesn't work for me. I never stuck to it without using on top except in the past few months. Before that I used heroin for years ~ something like 7 years ~ despite being scripted methadone all that time. Because the quality of gear went down so bad I literallly felt nothing when I did the changeover also I had a day's methadone in hand meaning I could dose as liberally as I liked without running out soI had no withdrawals. That's when I first went proper manic.

Anna there's no death penalty here so no point killing me, you'd get life if you couldn't top yourself before the police got there, I'd hate you to get in trouble for my sake. Im better off just killing myself. Really it's better to have a short manic-depressive life than a long vanilla one so it's not all bad, know what I mean? I don't know whether I'm ever going to be willing to take medication I don't think I have a genuine illness and when the dr thinks I'm ill everyone thinks I'm on drugs so I'm thinking of just saying I'm on drugs even when I'm not. Someone actually asked me whether I smoke cannabis which I found ridiculous since I haven't bought that shit in well over 15 years, more like 20 years. All it does is make me paranoid and psychotic and hear voices but there's none of the exciting bits that go with being off your head. At least when I had a breakdown Ifelt like I was on Ecstasy which used to be my favourite drug. But I thought it was the saddest thing to use it outside a dance party. Anyone who knows me knows I would never ever take E home alone. I did it ONCE and regretted it.

I just wish I could kick this shitty mood. I wish it would switch into a manic one. Even when I felt minorly depressed I felt vile enough to can those pills bc I thought they were making me worse. Now I probably have mild major depression. If it were severe I wouldn't be able to blog so it must be mild.

I hope you're OK and good luck with the methadone. Methadone is shit. Are you SURE you want to go on it? Can't they prescribe injectable methadone? At least then it might remove some of the craving to use. Methadone never helped me with my craving, except when I was manic and had a physical craving bc I was too disorganized to take methadone on time. but over the years and years I was prescribed it it never did any good itwas a total waste of time.I was totally fixated on heroin and needles so drinking green shit was never going to do it for me.

Anna are you SURE you want that crap? It's awful to get off please be careful.

Gledwood said...

PAUL: I want Tonkie Ears my mouse back!

ANON: I only really wanted to go manic swimming and being as I'm depressed it seems like a waste of time. I was feeling anxious because my mood was normal. I never get anxiety when Im depressed just when I'm normal and I wanted to use it as an anxiety cure. At the moment I'm only doing the diet part not the exercise. Because I'm a lazy bastard.

Spindrift said...

i just told my wife your hamster's were gone and she felt disappointed, i can't imagine how you must be feeling. I hope tonkie ears turns up for you:)

Gledwood said...

The hamsters actually died about 2 years ago the last ones were roborovski hamsters which are really tiny and could easily get under the door to the hallway here (I didn't live here when I got them). So I didn't get any back and can't really get hamsters now I'm in too much chaos for any pets.

I hear scurryings from where the mouse is, but can't see the fucker. Probably chewing through major electrics or something...

Anonymous said...

the verify word is blesslus....indeed,bless us!!!!why you so down on yourself,i only get that way when other people criticise or otherwise abuse me.Then i think they're right (after being defensive) and spend days hating myself..but be careful what you wish for....i usually get what i wish for,especially the more energetically i wish and its easier to be negative than positive.at the moment i'm wishing that the angels would just open my treasure chest in the sky and send some of that abundant cash my way... :) annie x

Syd said...

I hope that things will be better for you. You seem like quite a mess these days.

Spindrift said...

Now all I have are images of hamsters planning the escape, like 'The Great Escape', Steve Mcqueen style, with ropes and grappling hooks, looking this way and that, making a break for it:) Then I picture them, sunning themselves on a beach paradise somewhere, little deckchairs, umbrellas, and cocktails, as the waves lap on the shore.

Gledwood said...

ANNIE: bless our hearts, indeed !! :-) i'm wishing to stay in the "elevated mood" i had earlier today (weds) and for my mood to improve. i'm told by the counselling staff at our methadone service that i'm v harsh on myself but i don't know what way to be when i'm so lazy and keep letting myself down resolving to be clean and serene and being dirty and jagged instead~!!

SYD: yeah that's my number one priority to get myself OUT of the mess i've got myself into. life went so miserable last week i was using heroin and deeply depressed and i just wanted to curl up and die. even my mood lifting for one day is a good thing; it proves i do have it in me to be happy again... know what i mean..?!???

SPIN: the little swines used to be expert escape artists. they're not like the golden Syrian hammy which really does try to escape and will break open cages by nibbling them all night, night after night until they give in! but once those robos got out they were SO hard to catch... even faster than wild house mice and just as flighty. even my tamest one was near-impossible to get back once she'd hopped on the floor and away from me... i caught her by throwing something like a towel over her and very gently wrapping it around her and just letting her drop back into the tank where she'd look around in astonishment like how did i get back HERE??! then the others would sniff her like o it's YOU again. and she'd be back running that wheel, probably fantasizing of pinging about under my bed again!!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood