HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Drugs worker Tuesday Blues

I HAD A HORRIBLE MEETING with my drugs worker this morning. The meeting itself was OK. I kept saying nothing was that terrible. Maybe I'm not "depressed" at all; maybe this is just how I feel and I'll never feel any better. I walked out feeling very miserable. Had a horrible paranoid bus ride. Felt nauseated and sick. Nearly had a panic attack outside Morrisons. Went and got my methadone. Then went home and to bed where I had nightmares.

Tomorrow I've decided to get up early and put on talk radio like my Mum does when she does the cleaning.

Only cleaning I've done today was handwashing a bowlful of clothes.

I put in a repeat of my repeat prescription today. The old one was sent by email and it never get through. For some reason they won't take repeat prescription requests over the phone. I thought this had something to do with my signing my name. No I just had to tick a box next to the word "risperidone".

As soon as I get these pills I'm going back on them. I'm very depressed about this. Having to take pills because I'm mad.

Well I'm going out down the local shop now for some Cup-A-Soup (only the type with croutons). My favourite flavour is asparagus, because I'm posh. But only Morrisons do that. And they sell 2 packets for the same price as my local shop does one. Stingy bastards.

Well I have to go to find this soup and try and think on positive things.

O there's a really good documentary on called The Lock Up. About the detention officers in Hull Police Station. I love stuff to do with police and prisons.

The police doctor is on screen. He looks characteristically gone-out. Well I've got to go.


Anna Grace said...

I love stuff to do with prisons, and jails, and police too.

Jeannie said...

At least there are meds they can try to help you with - you are not doomed to an entire life - or a short life of uncontrolled mood swings and hallucinations. Today, you will not be ostracized as they once were and thrown into some asylum until you rotted.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

What's Cup-A-Soup ?
Is it those powder packets you add water to?
Sounds good. I get Campbells, but they don't even add any carrots to it anymore and there's like less than a tsp of chicken pieces in it.
It's like a dollar fifty now. Ridiculous.
My nephew was on respiradol spelling?)for about 6 mos. after being detoxed from all these morphine patches,oxycontin, etc. . He's off it now. He seems to be doing well.
Glad to hear Valeries back :)

Syd said...

I lived on cup a soup in college. It has a lot of sodium though. Just watched a Frontline show on methamphetamine. The part about brain chemistry and dopamine levels being altered by drugs reminded me of what has been going on with you.

Anonymous said...

My friend and his old lady kicked good Mexican junk a few years ago. It can be done.

I was watching "The Panic in Needle Park," got curious, and came across your blog. The stuff about a UK drought was interesting. Hate to say it, but you folks seem to love giving away your freedoms.

No drought here in the Western US, as far as I know. The mexicans realized they had the climate and desire to flood the US with "gear."




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood