I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Clean Clothes
I WENT TO THE LAUNDRETTE TODAY ~ at long last. The trip was over 2 months overdue. I've been handwashing and wearing out my dwindling supply of clean clothes for the longest possible time. I trudged my huge tartan bag all the way there, loaded it in the £3 machine quick enough to avoid the uptight assistant who seems to take great joy in telling me I'm overloading the machine. Piled the stuff in. Door shut money in and... It wouldn't start. The surly assistant had to shimmy over and press the door in for ten seconds. With my clothes safely whirlig round I went outside for a cyder and a fag.
Instead of taking my clothes home wet, like I used to when I spent every spare penny on heroin, I actually paid £2.50 to dry them.
I've been in a much better mood since yesterday's outing and encounter with the tiny tits and sparrows down the park.
I had a psychic interlude yesterday that made my head go a peculiar. I felt ill when I posted last night. As I said, I felt like I'd been abusing crack (though I haven't touched crack in a long time). When I did eventually get to sleep, I had vivid dreams about bursting through think ice at the top of the world and falling down from my old school through a crack in reality to the North Pole. I had incredibly vivid dreams until I woke up four hours later at 8am. I didn't want to get up that early. It's Money Monday. I used to get up first thing when I got paid, so I could take my money straight to the heroin dealer. I don't want to be on heroin anymore...
... But I screwed that one up by hitting up £20 in the morning and then another £15 this afternoon. I decided I really need Narcotics Anonymous.
My travels through the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book have taught me that I'm full of what they call "Resentment". In my recent bad mood I've felt resentment regarding just about every aspect of life. I think NA would say this is the bitterness of the addict who's unwilling to live life on life's terms. My thoughts have been full of anger that the one substance that makes me feel OK is not freely on sale from every corner pharmacy. I'm angry at having given in and opted to stick to prescribed oral methadone therapy. As I just might have mentioned before, I loathe being on methadone.
I feel I have cause to feel unhappy about this: medical officials like to say that methadone brings stability to the chaotic lives of addicts. Far from bringing stability, methadone brought me insanity. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was on methadone. Surely you need to be pretty UNstable and far gone to warrant that label..?
Here's another point where my experience is at odds with NA's philosophy. NA call active addiction "insanity". But I found madness on methadone therapy, trying to go clean! Though I was unwilling to admit it at the time, my heroin use was a type of self-medication. To me, my drug of choice was a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic ~ and it worked. Opiates do have recognized antipsychotic effects; it's just taboo for the mainstream medical establishment to recognize this fact.
So anyway I've been drowning in this bitterness, which you could label a symptom of depression, or a feature of my drug-addiction. Or both.
Tonight I don't feel bitter at all. Tonight I feel pretty much OK... then I remember I'm stoked up on £35 worth of gear. Maybe I won't feel as good as this tomorrow... who knows? Tomorrow I've decided to go back to NA.
I could have gone to NA tonight, but I found myself trudging back from the carpark where I met my second dealer and hanging outside the venue for tonight's meeting in the rain half an hour before opening, thinking "I've got gear on me, and the meeting won't be over for two hours..." So I took the bus home and decided to leave NA until tomorrow when I'm clean. Tuesday night's meeting is the one I ran out of last time because the room was too crowded with people smelling of bodily secretions.
My life has to hit a turning point sooner or later; only I can do the manoevring to turn it around. I decided I wanted a better life, if I can have one. Problem was, I was depressed enough not to see any future at all. I've decided endless times to push through, "doing the right thing" no matter how bad I feel... But these resolutions were invariably made when I was high on gear. Once the gear had faded and I had only methadone holding me, depression had me powerless in its grip once more and I was too weak, too paralysed, to move on anywhere further than my drug dealer's.
I had a lot of Resentment against NA for having been treated as if I was high on drugs, when I was high on my manic episode. Of course anybody who turns up at an antidrugs meeting hyped up, agitated and very wiry is going to make people think they've been using. That was not the issue. I'm upset with NA because I made it abundantly clear that I was NOT using, yet I still got a slew of comments about "once you drop the drugs..." etc etc.
I hadn't been listened to, hadn't been believed.
I came to NA expecting to find understanding and acceptance. But I don't feel understood, and I feel rejected by them, because THEY could not accept the truth. I brought up NA at a dual diagnosis Nutter Club meeting I used to go to (before it got closed down). Nobody else from Nutter Club ever went to NA. There was one woman who was so depressed the first time I met her that she'd been sitting down the park at midnight thinking it was midday. She had been told she felt that way because she "wasn't working the steps". Another person had been advised to stop taking his schizophrenia medication as it was "using". I caused uproarious laughter by declaring if anyone from NA told me to stop taking my meds, I'd retort "yeah: as long as I come off it in your house". Naomi thought that was hilarious.
NA have definite shortcomings around the mental health issue and the more I pondered them, the angrier I got. In the end I told myself you just have to accept a group like NA for what they are and what they do. They do Recovery very well. Recovery and "learning to live life on life's terms". NA members describe themselves as "clean and serene" and it's their serenity I'm after. They say "if you want what we have..." and I do want it. So I decided I would be wise not to chuck out the baby with the bathwater. And besides, I don't like harbouring resentments.
I'm just annoyed that a "normal" person is allowed to come in and describe their depression or their anxiety, their mood swings or their anger at life. But my mood swings are too "psychiatric", too extreme, to be acceptable to a group like NA. If I were to talk about them in any detail I know I'll be labelled a nutter and subtly pushed away.
If I can't be accepted for who I am, I don't know that I could ever be happy there...
Well I'm still going tomorrow... so I'll let ya know how I get on...
HEROIN AND PSYCHOSIS Severe dependence on cannabis and psychostimulants is associated with a higher risk of psychosis and is in contrast to severe dependence on heroin, which has a negative relationship with psychosis. http://bjp.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/full/181/5/393
illustrated: a tiny tit like the ones in my local park ~~~~~~~~ this one's a blue tit; great tits are slightly bigger (like colourful tubby sparrows)
You know what's really sad, that you make so much sense when you're well, smacked out . . .it's so hard to make that same sense clean. Doesn't seem right does it. Good luck with NA, it can't hurt and might do some good, persevere dear boy, persevere.
There was one sentence which stroke me in he comment you left on my blog "remind me very much of the townhouse i used to live in when i was a fully paid-up member of the bourgeoisie (some years ago)" What the heck happened that you fell in such a deep hole and hell ? You don't even have the excuse of an unhappy teenager. and now you complain that you can't be accepted for who you are, but that's difficult, because you don't know yourself who you are at this moment.
"I dont want to be on heroin anymore . . . but I screwed that up by scoring"
I can so relate to that and i know its not nmeant to be funny . .but it made me howl ;-) only because its so familiar . .and so honest. you seem to be "engaging" a bit more recently, and dare i say , taking advice? so I gonna repeat all my advice . . not really ;-)
but the park , yes, yes and thrice yes!!! voluntary work, yes Gardening, gardening and more gardening!! I wont go on (much as i would love to) boy next door has taken 2 robos ;-( only got 16 now!! best get rampant reggie on the case LOL bless him (the boy next door , not reggie) he came round with his cage all ready with toys, wheel boxes, cardboard tubes etc (as advised) and they only next door so i can still spy on them! and listen for the wheel at night! (not really, but i did tell him, he must never stop the wheel) Shit, im going on again innit? ok im off cus i wont stop otherwise, yes asda r brill. Box of 20 mixed bhajis, pakoras ,samosas £2. like they are £3 for about 6 in sains & no where near as good! I really going now . . .going ,going , gone man real gone ;-) with love di x
pps. Yes would love to put all robos in bath but every female would prob be x 5 with Reggie the stud in there. and "your" strategy:-) of cleaning small bit at time is spot on. think i suggested (before u were listening) do just one corner, one armchair, one shelf, one anything a day even, but do it with all your might, till it fit to eat off, then do another when u feel the mood take you. I just cant fucking shut up can i? hey word verify on last one was prolog (ha ha) now its dertivil! dirty ville love it. MUST go x or anagram of dirt evil which is very telling x
Baino: I decided to go to NA and I'm not keeping my own story a secret, but I'm not sure it's a good thing to make madness sound like my identity, else they will identify me as crazy and that's it. Most of them know what psychosis is like because they've either experienced it or seen it via crack. The major difference with mine off the crack was much lower paranoia and higher euphoria and much more random hallucinations and confusion. Crack psychosis is paranoia. But they should still get what I'm saying. I just feel alienated from them because they don't seem to understand it or me!
Jams: aye; I might even go back to NA tonight, if I can find a meeting...
Akelamalu: yes! They mean I can do stuff like go back to NA without feeling really crappy in there
SB: trying, yes....
Welshcakes: the sparrows all sat in a bush on Sunday, one with really springy branches ~ and just chirped at one another. I'm not sure what they were doing or what they were saying, but they seemed to find it really exciting in this bush!
Lizzy: I hope you clamber out soon. Get some antidepressants if you're depressed. They might help you sleep better if you're not sleeping. Mirtazapine is good for sleep and gives psychedelic dreams ;-)
Gattina: my teenage years were OK but my childhood wasn't. I was v unhappy after my parents divorced. It wasn't that anything particularly bad happened, my reaction to it was bad though :-(
I was fascinated to try heroin because it was forbidden fruit, but never hung out with addicts until I made friends with some and even then it took 2 or 3 years to turn into one... which is really ridiculous I know I don't know why I did it, except that I was unhappy and the addicts accepted me for how I was (not happy) and the drug definitely made me feel better, which no other drug had ever done. Other drugs tended to make me feel worse in the short term so it was obvious they were no answer.... heroin was much more deceptive (unfortunately)...
Janice: thanks, I will :-)
Buggerlugz: I used to think pakoras were called Pakrits. But Pakrits mean "modern Indian languages derived from Sanscrit" as in Hindi, Gujurati, Bengali etc..!
I don't know v much about gardening though I do know someone who does it as a hobby...
yeah I was wondering how you wold tell which robo was who after they'd all pinged in the bath together... it's a shame as they do look really entertaining doing it, just like Furry Scalectrix...!!
To alter your profile picture you need to go into profile with either a url for one (like I did) or one inside your computer... which I don't know how to do I'm afraid...
I've been to Chennai and must say the quality of the scaffolding out there was exemplary. I'll keep your company at the TOP OF MY LIST next time I have scaffolding requirements in Tamil Nadu.
I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Heroin Shortage: News
If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.
Christiane F
"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools.
Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross...
Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way.CHRISTIANE F:
TRAILER
You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.
To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...
DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today? If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
Drugs Videos
Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?
Here's the 4-methylmethcathinone molecule. This is the "cocaine plus ecstasy"-style "legal high" I took that time and didn't even know what it was... After a brief but intense craze for meow, it was eventually banned in the UK in April 2010
If you wanna see what manic looks like, watch this. If this is the mood she stayed in all day she'd be moderately manic (severely manic is literally all over the place verging into complete incoherence)... I have been known to yell the same stuff over and over, which is why I like this:
Ferry Corsten remix. William Orbit performance. Samuel Barber's Adagio
DJ Seduction: Starlight August 1992
I love this style of music and WHY do kidz today call it OLD SCHOOL? MAKE ME FEEL ANCIENT WHY DONCHA! I really like that ting-ting-tong tune that comes into it about 3 mins in "release the spirit" yeah....! Respect goin' out LizzyD Yeah ;-)
Angelina Joelie: Crazy Chic
Girl Interrupted: best scenes
Mozart's Requiem Tranced Up
I like danced-up tunes now that I'm "OLD". Like this one... The actual name of the tune is "lacrimosa" which means sad. Which is weird it actually sounds uplifting. but there ya go:~~~~~~~~
Click herefor the Drought Post, news is in the comments.
Because there's more than 200 comments, look closely at the bottom of the form for for "Newer/Newest" - THAT is where you click to find most recent comments.
PETITION THE GOVT FOR PROPER PRESCRIBING TO ADDICTS: CLICK HERE
Royals and rugby
-
Today is the birthday of King Charles. I remember that because it's two
days after mine and it was also the birthday of Donna, my best friend in
infant s...
HODGEPODGE NOVEMBER 14
-
1. What's something you think is under appreciated. Explain.
*I would say some artists, some are real good but don't know the right
people.*
2. As win...
A FAVOURITE FOOD FOR A FAVOURITE SAINT
-
Our *estate di San Martino* (Saint Martin's summer) has been well and truly
over since Sunday and I sit here writing this on a cold, rainy afternoon. A
pro...
Blogging Break
-
I'm taking a break from blogging, for two major reasons :a. I find it
hard to concentrate on chosen topics, while there's war and tragedy going
on in m...
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
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No, Ive not been set free yet! LOL
I've thought so much about this topic of anger. I'm determined to not let
my life be consumed by my feelings of betr...
It Is Thanksgiving Week
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9 years ago on Thanksgiving morning I wrote a post about what does the
parent of addict have to be thankful about? It is the week of Thanksgiving
2023 a...
Nothing has changed …
-
Well well well …..
No editing I’m 60. And nothing has changed. … nothing. Well yeah, the
boys have grown and flown. The girl has grown and is turni...
The Trauma of Beautiful Things Audio Recording
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*(Dedicated to long time reader & friend Soc Priapist... XxX)*
The Trauma of Beautiful Things
I feel it so profoundly that it comes through me as a sa...
Yeah
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No, I am not returning, just updating out of boredom. Plus writing on my
phone sucks, so it won't be a long post.
Yep my book sucks, makes close to no mon...
Dona Nobis Pacem
-
Due to moving home I haven't had time to create a new Peace Globe this
year, but I didn't want to let the Peace movement down so I've used last
year's ef...
The end.
-
Saturday, October 28th 2017.
Well, here I am editing my last blog post. It's been exactly 10 years since
I started. The main reason being that I emigrated ...
Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ
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Sometimes Saintly Nick hasn't been feeling well recently. He spent most of
today at hospital having test run. As you know, he has cancer and the tests
ar...
Great article about addiction
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Drug use is common, drug addiction is rare. About one adult in three will
use an illegal drug in their lifetime and just under 3m people will do so
this ye...
Obat Herbal Stroke Berat dan Ringan
-
*Obat Herbal Stroke* - Penyakit ini terjadi karena peredaran darah didalam
organ otak mengalami penyumbatan atau gangguan. Penyakit Stroke ini adalah
adany...
The People You Meet
-
Not saying this is a come back of any type, but after farewelling my
darling friend Jeffrey today, I felt the overwhelming need to blog. Met a
weird Japan...
Despair and Dissolution
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I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me
ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.
Everyone can say "I told you so". Hate...
A long time coming....
-
I cannot believe I have neglected this blog for so long.
Just to let you know I will be uploading a post in the next couple of days.
Things are good.
My hea...
Gone but never forgotten
-
Hello everyone....
Saturday the 24th May would of been Merle's 80th birthday...
Unfortunately she is gone, but never forgotten...
I just thought I would ...
Everything in it's place
-
Yum.That people are reading this in Israel and Indonesia, as well as so
many other places around the world that I never would've expected is pretty
fuckin...
How to Negotiate With Used Cars Dealers
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Car traders have excellent discussing abilities. They know how to deal with
their clients with their methods and methods to make sure that they shop.
Amazi...
starry starry night…
-
Ho Ho Ho! Hope everyone had a merry fucking Christmas and will enjoy a
drunken orgy of pleasure on New Years Eve. I had a nice Christmas Day with
Melinda(a...
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-
.....I think the time has come to acknowledge that I'm not actually
blogging any more.....
PLUS
I'm off on Sunday for a Big Adventure Down Under, with L...
-
Before we dive into another cracker from Paul Gallagher, I first must
congratulate Scott Rush for having his death penalty annulled and the
sentence been ...
Daze of Summer
-
Her mentor is one of the most gentle people on the planet. He catches flies
in his hands and sets them free outside his studio, and he flicks
mosquitoes a...
Musings
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A week has passed since my last post and it's been a week of contrasts.
Right smack bang in the middle of week, Wednesday, was Australia Day, a
public holi...
Who buys CRACK without Brown ?
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See these F.cking dealers up here they cant get the brown sold cause its
shite so lots of people are just buying Whisky and im thinking to myself No
For Me...
-
Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?
I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)
I want to be skinny and pretty
I want...
The Neighbour's Gun
-
I remember those lazy summer nights. In my light, light dress, I would open
the window and gaze at the moon in the night. I would look and almost feel
th...
THIS is classic slice-of-life video; filmed from a sushibar conveyor belt in Japan. You don't need sound for this one (unless you speak Japanese...)
Never Mind The Balearics...
LOST WEEKENDS... Lost weeks... Lost lives...
THE SPANISH ISLE of Ibiza is the "spiritual home" of much British dance music...
Eva Cassidy: Autumn Leaves
I wonder if Autumn is as miserable your end as it is here..? This song wonderfully reinterpreted by Eva Cassidy (I think) brought tears to my eyes when I first heard it. See what you think ...
Christiane F
Christiane F
("Wir Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo")
Berlin has long been a centre of "alternative" living, attracting the artistic and dejected. And of course heroin rushes into such a void:
You can see the film in its entirety by clicking HERE.
These are my 3 roborovski hamsters!
(And now there is one...) Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... Itchy, the scruffy, dopey (and tamest one) died a few weeks ago. I was very ****** off (no swearing on this blog (or I'd be effing and blinding all the time...)). Spherical and Bashful were the remaining "Trotters" aka Hamsta MCs, Carrot Nose and Trotter Donkey ... until Trotterdonkey died and now poor Spherical Carrot Nose remains alone ...
What name should I give to my fictional slavering English mastiff hellhound..??
Name the Uncooth Doggie...
NOW I'M PUTTING UP A NEW POLL...My forthcoming fiction shall feature a giant, ill-tempered slavering hellhound of an English Mastiff who spends her time savaging pram wheels, dolls, etc; pulling soft toys apart... growling at houseguests, baying at the light fittings etc etc. She has a total personality change, however, when she gets "raped" down the park by a local rottweiler... leading to a howling, baying, snaggle-toothed litter of puppies!Anyway, which of these three names do you think fits best?(In alphabetical order)GwendolinaPansyTinkerbelle???Vote now ...!!
London Time
GMT (aka "Universal Standard Time"):
ahead of the Americas; behind everywhere else...
Trisch & Jen on the phone
Real life spooky phone call. Trisch Li is speaking to her friend Jen, who has a stalker sneaking round the side of her house. I Love the film exposure. I love the funky background. And I love Trisch. She had bipolar. She died. She left some amazing stuff behind ...You can see Trisch manic here.
Moby: Go
Anyone who was a Twin Peaks fan will know this tune: the in-sequence floaty tune played in-episode (not the theme tune) that made that tellyprog so dreamy.
This tune is something else:~~~~~~~
Future Sound of London: Papua New Guinea
THIS tune is transcendently beautiful.
Thank you to Lizzy who reminded me:~~~~~~~
The Orb: Little Fluffy Clouds (Danny Tengalia)
Archetypal triphead/herb-tokers' tune ...
Urban Shakedown: Some Justice
One of my all time favourite "hardcore" rave tunes. The "woman" singing "we live as one family" is actually a man speeded up. The primal line "Now eeeee-yeah-oh-eeeee-yeah we live as one family," sounded to me like the sun rising at psychedelic dawn. For a long time there was forever a part of me left from this 1991-1992 era, still out there, tripping in a certain corn-on-the-cob field at dawn...
Praga Khan: Injected with a Poison
Sums up what my attitude used to be and is once again to gear. That because, "There's a rainbow inside your mind ... Injected with a poison.... we don't need that any more."
Scott McKenzie: San Francisco
I really used to believe all this crap with all my heart. Peace and love and chemical dreams. If you've ever tripped out high upon higher and sublime upon sublime there is no way of bringing the beauty of the experience back with you... I once had a friend down who brought some cocaine. I did some lines and was soon stuck to the ceiling. I had tickets for a rave in south London. He was too wasted to go. So I had to negotiate an hour and a half nightbus ride all the way down. By Trafalgar Square I was eeing out on 2 pills as well and my eyes such massive discs I couldn't read the bus time tables and had to tell passers-by I'd "forgotten my reading glasses" (how embarrassing)... then I arrived around 3pm. DUR! Not pm (wasn't THAT late 3AM): though these pills didn't wear off till well after 11am which made them superstrong... anyhow... Security let me straight in I'd obviously taken all my drugs (indeed I had: felt like I was flying by this point)... first person I encountered was a middle-aged woman in a ball gown swaying back and forth in the foyer (Brixton Academy: a venue for 5000) I told her: "you are so cool". We subsequently made friends. Watching this video and seeing how stuck in the neverending moment of bliss some "flower kids" are I remember this lady having to tell me: "there's the party. Then the party's over. You have to accept that." But I never could. I wanted happiness to last for ever...
SCOTT MACKENZIE HAS GONE (copyright reasons)
HERE'S JOE BELTRAM 1990 ENERGY FLASH
Who is the superior writer? (From... in no particular order...)
Itchy's "Windy" Face
Not because she has the "farts" but because she "runs like the wind on a windy day" this is Itchy's look when she is nervous...
Bashful and Spherical look like this
(Itchy is a bit smaller)
Bashful's Lookie-Lykie
Hello you Tiny Tubby! Roborovskis are the tiniest of all hamsters, being a mere 5cm/2" fully grown... "Bashful" is pulling a bit of a grumpy face here; but hey!
Should my daily videos stay giant on the top or go mini on my sidebar? (You can only vote once.)
Doggie or Kittie?
You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat
You are a nice blend of cat and dog.
You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful.
And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.
38 year-old guy, 6 blogs (the main one is gledwood vol 2 so go there for new postings: blogs are linked via my sidebars), I also have 3 video blogs. One mainly music vids, the other random "novelty" clips from Youtube/etc. The third is my Fabulous Celebrity Blog for fans of trash culture. Unfortunately addicted to drugs - yes it was my own fault but what can I do about it now? Addicted means trapped & can't stop. That's how addicted I am. But that's not ALL I blog about. Apart from drugs I love drink. Apart from drink I'm into little furry animals like Pingpong, my Chinese hamster, and my 3 roborovski hamsters: Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... and ... er, food. Lately there has been a drought of the substance that enslaved me for so long. Will I clean up? Only time will tell...
Fun, comforting, and friendly.
You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality.
People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.
16 comments:
You know what's really sad, that you make so much sense when you're well, smacked out . . .it's so hard to make that same sense clean. Doesn't seem right does it. Good luck with NA, it can't hurt and might do some good, persevere dear boy, persevere.
I know it is so easy for me to say Gledwood but you can do it.
Clean clothes should go some way to making you feel a little better. x
The main thing is you are trying to do better.
You know I love you.
I think you are making great strides, GLeds. I love sparrows, too.
helloooooo! just wanted to say i am still reading just in a bit of a bad place myself at the mo.
big lovex
There was one sentence which stroke me in he comment you left on my blog "remind me very much of the townhouse i used to live in when i was a fully paid-up member of the bourgeoisie (some years ago)" What the heck happened that you fell in such a deep hole and hell ? You don't even have the excuse of an unhappy teenager.
and now you complain that you can't be accepted for who you are, but that's difficult, because you don't know yourself who you are at this moment.
Keeping trying, Gled.
You can do it. I believe in you.
"I dont want to be on heroin anymore . . .
but I screwed that up by scoring"
I can so relate to that and i know its not nmeant to be funny . .but it made me howl ;-) only because its so familiar . .and so honest.
you seem to be "engaging" a bit more recently, and dare i say , taking advice?
so I gonna repeat all my advice . . not really ;-)
but the park , yes, yes and thrice yes!!!
voluntary work, yes Gardening, gardening and more gardening!!
I wont go on (much as i would love to)
boy next door has taken 2 robos ;-(
only got 16 now!! best get rampant reggie on the case LOL
bless him (the boy next door , not reggie) he came round with his cage all ready with toys, wheel boxes, cardboard tubes etc (as advised)
and they only next door so i can still spy on them! and listen for the wheel at night! (not really, but i did tell him, he must never stop the wheel)
Shit, im going on again innit? ok im off cus i wont stop otherwise, yes asda r brill. Box of 20 mixed bhajis, pakoras ,samosas £2. like they are £3 for about 6 in sains & no where near as good!
I really going now . . .going ,going , gone man
real gone ;-)
with love
di
x
ps, my sodding son has put a picture on my profile when i comment . . i wouldn't know how to!, and he has changed it . . .swine! unfurry swine!
pps.
Yes would love to put all robos in bath but every female would prob be x 5 with Reggie the stud in there.
and "your" strategy:-) of cleaning small bit at time is spot on.
think i suggested (before u were listening) do just one corner, one armchair, one shelf, one anything a day even, but do it with all your might, till it fit to eat off, then do another when u feel the mood take you. I just cant fucking shut up can i?
hey word verify on last one was prolog (ha ha) now its dertivil!
dirty ville love it.
MUST go
x or anagram of dirt evil
which is very telling x
word up dear fellow:o)
Baino: I decided to go to NA and I'm not keeping my own story a secret, but I'm not sure it's a good thing to make madness sound like my identity, else they will identify me as crazy and that's it. Most of them know what psychosis is like because they've either experienced it or seen it via crack. The major difference with mine off the crack was much lower paranoia and higher euphoria and much more random hallucinations and confusion. Crack psychosis is paranoia. But they should still get what I'm saying. I just feel alienated from them because they don't seem to understand it or me!
Jams: aye; I might even go back to NA tonight, if I can find a meeting...
Akelamalu: yes! They mean I can do stuff like go back to NA without feeling really crappy in there
SB: trying, yes....
Welshcakes: the sparrows all sat in a bush on Sunday, one with really springy branches ~ and just chirped at one another. I'm not sure what they were doing or what they were saying, but they seemed to find it really exciting in this bush!
Lizzy: I hope you clamber out soon. Get some antidepressants if you're depressed. They might help you sleep better if you're not sleeping. Mirtazapine is good for sleep and gives psychedelic dreams ;-)
Gattina: my teenage years were OK but my childhood wasn't. I was v unhappy after my parents divorced. It wasn't that anything particularly bad happened, my reaction to it was bad though :-(
I was fascinated to try heroin because it was forbidden fruit, but never hung out with addicts until I made friends with some and even then it took 2 or 3 years to turn into one... which is really ridiculous I know I don't know why I did it, except that I was unhappy and the addicts accepted me for how I was (not happy) and the drug definitely made me feel better, which no other drug had ever done. Other drugs tended to make me feel worse in the short term so it was obvious they were no answer.... heroin was much more deceptive (unfortunately)...
Janice: thanks, I will :-)
Buggerlugz: I used to think pakoras were called Pakrits. But Pakrits mean "modern Indian languages derived from Sanscrit" as in Hindi, Gujurati, Bengali etc..!
I don't know v much about gardening though I do know someone who does it as a hobby...
yeah I was wondering how you wold tell which robo was who after they'd all pinged in the bath together... it's a shame as they do look really entertaining doing it, just like Furry Scalectrix...!!
To alter your profile picture you need to go into profile with either a url for one (like I did) or one inside your computer... which I don't know how to do I'm afraid...
If Reggie is the stud hamster, who is Anchovy??
Spindrift: should I word up or wise up..???!!!
;-/
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