HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Highway to Methadone

I TOOK A LITTLE BIT OF HEROIN IN THE MORNING, so I failed there. Just as I was about to meet the man another dealer phoned me. He would have bigger, stronger stuff. But I was still intending to give up so I bought the weak stuff anyway. I don't care for gear any more. I wish I had the strength to stop it. Yet my head is telling me tomorrow tomorrow. Tomorrow will be OK because I can go see this other guy, wait in a carpark for an hour. Get a little bag of magic. Not be able to find a vein when I get back. Waste £15. Keep myself mired in active intravenous drug addiction for one day more... See it doesn't seem worth it. But if I don't do that, tomorrow I will have nothing to live for at all.

When I wake up in the morning I lie in bed for over an hour, not wanting to move. Nagging myself that I have to get to the post office to get money to score. Or to the chemist. To get methadone over and done with. When all the time I stink, I'm filthy. My clothes are horrible. I do actually use the shower, but I still feel dirty.

My head is all over the place. I get random thoughts and phrases filtering in, or echoing in the background. This doesn't bother me, but I know it's probably not meant to be good. The pills would stop it happening. The pills are a huge great issue. I don't know what to do about them (risperidone, the antipsychotic). Really I need something that's going to make me less depressed. I need to see that doctor. My worker said he would get me an appointment but I didn't really want to see any dr. But now I need to. On the one hand I don't feel well; on the other I'm not even sure what's wrong; if anything is wrong; what's happening.

I don't want to take methadone either. I looked back and realized the times when I was most paranoid, lost it, felt worst were the times it was methadone I was taking, not heroin.

This isn't my normal gripe about methadone making you feel flat and heroin being an antidepressant... blah blah blah. I'm talking about methadone poisoning my mind. Strange coincidence that it should be government sponsored and a poison. I need to get off it and quick.

For tomorrow I am trying to think out a strategy for how to face the day without scoring. It's actually the ritual of scoring and using that seems to fix me more than the actual drug. The heroin I can barely feel because a lot of it's weak. When it's strong it feels brilliant for all of about five minutes. Then I feel not much better than before. I'm not talking gear sickness wise, I'm talking about mental wellbeing wise. I absolutely have to get the gear into a vein to feel it. The other methods of taking it: subcutaneous or intramuscular injection: I barely feel anything at all. Smoking (running it along foil) has an even weaker effect and chasing brown around foil takes ages, tastes gross and stains the teeth. You can snort heroin but that is weaker still. And it really gets your nose. Ever since I first picked up a needle (which was several months into using every day) I had the so-called needle-fixation. My veins are in truly dire shape; practically all gone.

But there is one alternative. I could get a 2ml barrel with a detachable long blue needle ~ a horror film needle ~ and stick this directly into the crook of my thigh (my femoral my "groin"). The thought of doing this makes me feel sick. A lot of people who inject here get DVTs and even lose legs.

I wouldn't want to give a second wind to my injecting career now when really I want to drop the whole thing.

I remember last time I stopped it I looked at my scar-ridden ankle and my mottled foot and thought "you never have to stick a needle in there again. Ever."

If none of this self-motivation works I'm going to have to do rehab, which I'm terrified of. I'll lose the place I'm in andI will be made homeless. I've never stuck out rehab for more than three or four days. Which had nothing to do with the rehabilitation as such and everything to do with detoxing and not sleeping at all and feeling lousy. Not so much physically, but mentally. I don't want to do rehab.

Which means I have no option but methadone. I don't "think" it is poisoning me by the way, but it is pretty suspicious that whenever I've relied on it more, I've been stabilized less. Why is this? Methadone is supposed to restore sanity and give lives back. You're not supposed to suddenly get tuned into channel 999 and have brains deluged with crap. You're not supposed to feel that life is over. Life is meant to be just beginning, not ending.

So I don't understand all this. I felt before that by sticking to that vile green syrup I had at least crossed one bridge. Because methadone doesn't work well at making you feel OK, I was closer towards being heroin clean, because heroin, which makes you feel fantastic, was out of my body and here was something doing very little crutch wise. All the methadone does for me is stops me being physically sick. I don't understand why it makes me mentally ill (or am I mentally ill? Is it just normality I cannot tolerate?). Whatever's going on, something is wrong and I don't know what.

Well I don't know what I'm banging on about here. I hope this doesn't sound like a load of ranting paranoia because I'm trying to make a serious point. Something isn't right.

PS I do understand the contradiction: "heroin barely does anything"; "heroin makes you feel fantastic". It's done both at different times.

only song I know of that pleads direct to God "father father ... send some guidance from above..."
i got into this when i was CLEAN, on subutex and super-intense about everything... love this track


Anna Grace said...

I'm the first to comment.

Don't have anything to say, just that I'm first.

Valerie said...

You'll probably be the last, darling. With this boring post.

Anonymous said...

Is there any way you could show the doc this blog?Its pretty self explanatory and might make it easier to face going to see him,and then you won't get side tracked or confused..

Gledwood said...

I've thought about it but it would make me too paranoid, then I'd never be able to post again without thinking "what will my dr think?"

I think I will have to write out the issues in bulletpoint format.

I don't hold much hope for getting changed off methadone. It just makes me sick even to think that it might be poisoning my mind. I really don't feel well on it and it took me ages to realize it might be methadone itself rather than just the no gear causing this... still I don't know. But I'm going to bring the issue up. You know what drs are like, if I criticize their wonderful medicine it will be assumed I'm just being para... unfortunately the dose is too high to switch to Suboxone but I'd way rather be on that, just to know I'm methadone clear. I have real motivation to stop it now which is good. I'm trying to use that as a force to drive me forward...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing not only to benefit yourself but others as well, i hope u r finding a bit of serenity in ur day 2 day



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood