HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, May 09, 2011

Corned Beef Hash

THAT LAZY COW ANNA GRACE HASN'T POSTED ANYTHING TODAY. Probably in a heroin-induced stupor. Or sick as a parrot due to a lack of gear.

I scored a £10 bag this morning to go with my shopping (corned beef, cyder, cigarettes). I borrowed £20 off someone till Monday morning.

The £10 bag knocked me unconscious all day. Really good stuff it was. I'm buying more tomorrow. Told you I would wait till Monday to decide whether to go with antidepressants (street heroin) or death (a train).

When I looked at what I had posted I thought "why did you say all this". I know it was true and all but still. I suppose I wanted people to get used to the idea that I wasn't long for this world.

I only feel OK now because I've been drinking. The film The Deer Hunter is on. It's that scene when they're in the water and the helecopter only picks up one of them. So cold and wet and disappointed. Then the Vietnamese captors force them to play Russian roulette. Gun to the head. Piles of money (that would be the Vietnamese dong). Lots of jabbering in SE Asian dialects. Must be like Valerie's house when the hungry kids come home from school.

Not much else to put. I've done a spot of cleaning. Head cloudy. Head all over the place. Head much better now alcohol is in it. Now I feel clear.

I know the corned beef diet isn't a good one. Keeping myself alive has hardly been a recent priority which means eating fills me with conflict. I'm going to eat a bit of salad anyway. Salad's supposed to be good for you and it's really low in calories.

I wish Anna Grace Old would get in touch. Her dog has mites! She thinks the dog caught them off a mouse!

Tonkie Ears my pet wild mouse has deserted me well and truly so it's all depressing here. My back's better so cleaning will begin in ernest. My family say I should do things I enjoy but I enjoy nothing. Only thing that induced me into cleaning was that it's a torture and suffering is what life is all about. I used that reasoning and it worked. I got a binbag full of crap outside.

Now I got to go; it's 2:16am.

5 comments:

Syd said...

I guess we will know soon whether you are alive or dead. I hope for your life.

Gledwood said...

long as i'm posting i'm alive

if i end up in the nut house i won't be able to post though. they used to have a computer in there, but i never used it

the drugs will never kill me

i know i have to find some way of living without the drugs, but i can't even handle methadone it makes me feel so lousy. i don't think it did years and years ago, but i wasn't so depressed then and methadone is supposed to make you depressed. so it's just making me worse. i so much want off it

Coke Addiction Kinda Sucks said...

Hey dude, I understand what you're going through because I've been there. I know exactly what it's like to not enjoy anything anymore.
As far as the antidepressants, I highly recommend trying them out. HOWEVER, I know that the drug companies are putting this shit out in record numbers and the doctors are basically bribed into having the patient try their latest product. I've been on fluoxetine (Prozac) for almost 20 years now, and I swear by that stuff. They tried getting me to try some other new drugs a few years ago, and they were shit. I know that different drugs have different effects on different people, so I'm not going to recommend Prozac in particular for you (although, it may well be one that works), but I suggest trying a drug that has been around for at least a decade and proven effective. The Prozac, along with reading stuff to help me think more positively (i.e. "self-help" type books) and having a regular workout routine has helped a lot. As you know from my own blog, I don't have the perfect life now by any means, but these things DO help. Hope you feel better soon! Peace.

Anna Grace said...

Anna Grace Old. Your so silly. Have you ever googled me? Are you high right now? Are you sleeping missing all of my attention I'm giving you right now.

Well when you wake up, I'll still be up so I will keep in contact with you then. I put up a song today for you. I don't think you'll like it though. I know you like dance/trance music. I just can never find a good dance song that suites the mood. Probably because I don't know dance music as well as you. YOu always pick good dance songs.

read my comments under yesterday's post and tell me what you think. I know Val is going to be dead set against it. Boomers going to be pissed.

Just so you know I cancelled my sex date with Jess. Not because I feel I have to be faithfull to my cyber husband, but because I'm using right now, and really I prefer the poke of needle to the poke of a cock.

I think I'm going to blog again. Two in one day. I have to make up for missing two days.

Gledwood said...

COKE ADDICTION: I did try Prozac but unfortunately it made me too agitated and insomniac. At the time it wore off after a couple of weeks and I went OK. But the last antiD I took, mirtazapine which I think is called Remeron in the USA, sent me on a bipolar rollercoaster ride up then down and no dr would give me that again. Which is why he's talking about a mood stabilizer now. Which I don't really want but I've been feeling desperate enough to try anything... If I DO get put on an antidepressant, I'll let you know. But with my history, I doubt it... Which pisses me off as I'd quite like an antidepressant. They work REALLY WELL on me, taking away all traces of the depression when they work. But they can make me a little bit manic, and that's what the drs dont want...

ANNA: I thought you might have cancelled that date because you didn't mention it.

Surely you're going to give up the poke of a needle, then won't you want Jess's incessant pokings more?

What do you mean about Valerie and Boomer? You mean the comment you gave on Monday's post?

Yeah that idiot Valerie would think you were called Anna Grace Old that's about the size of her. She's really little by the way and doesn't really weigh 200lbs, she's all skin and bones and her Margaret Thatcher haircut sticks out nearly a yard on each side!

No I havent been high in days. I don't get high like you do on gear these days it's too weak and I don't buy enough. I used to take enough to knock me out; now I just want to feel slightly heroinized.

I'm more about giving up than picking up. I've had enough of heroin it's very boring. The only high I want is my natural high back. It felt better than any drug,anyway.

I far prefer your music in my current, lower mood. That 9" Nails song was fantastic. Dance music used to do Euphoric Recall on me, that's when you suddenly get an E-flashback due to the tunes!

Yeah post up some more blog, you lazy cow!!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood