I scored a £10 bag this morning to go with my shopping (corned beef, cyder, cigarettes). I borrowed £20 off someone till Monday morning.The £10 bag knocked me unconscious all day. Really good stuff it was. I'm buying more tomorrow. Told you I would wait till Monday to decide whether to go with antidepressants (street heroin) or death (a train).
When I looked at what I had posted I thought "why did you say all this". I know it was true and all but still. I suppose I wanted people to get used to the idea that I wasn't long for this world.
I only feel OK now because I've been drinking. The film The Deer Hunter is on. It's that scene when they're in the water and the helecopter only picks up one of them. So cold and wet and disappointed. Then the Vietnamese captors force them to play Russian roulette. Gun to the head. Piles of money (that would be the Vietnamese dong). Lots of jabbering in SE Asian dialects. Must be like Valerie's house when the hungry kids come home from school.
Not much else to put. I've done a spot of cleaning. Head cloudy. Head all over the place. Head much better now alcohol is in it. Now I feel clear.
I know the corned beef diet isn't a good one. Keeping myself alive has hardly been a recent priority which means eating fills me with conflict. I'm going to eat a bit of salad anyway. Salad's supposed to be good for you and it's really low in calories.
I wish Anna Grace Old would get in touch. Her dog has mites! She thinks the dog caught them off a mouse!
Tonkie Ears my pet wild mouse has deserted me well and truly so it's all depressing here. My back's better so cleaning will begin in ernest. My family say I should do things I enjoy but I enjoy nothing. Only thing that induced me into cleaning was that it's a torture and suffering is what life is all about. I used that reasoning and it worked. I got a binbag full of crap outside.
Now I got to go; it's 2:16am.
5 comments:
I guess we will know soon whether you are alive or dead. I hope for your life.
long as i'm posting i'm alive
if i end up in the nut house i won't be able to post though. they used to have a computer in there, but i never used it
the drugs will never kill me
i know i have to find some way of living without the drugs, but i can't even handle methadone it makes me feel so lousy. i don't think it did years and years ago, but i wasn't so depressed then and methadone is supposed to make you depressed. so it's just making me worse. i so much want off it
Hey dude, I understand what you're going through because I've been there. I know exactly what it's like to not enjoy anything anymore.
As far as the antidepressants, I highly recommend trying them out. HOWEVER, I know that the drug companies are putting this shit out in record numbers and the doctors are basically bribed into having the patient try their latest product. I've been on fluoxetine (Prozac) for almost 20 years now, and I swear by that stuff. They tried getting me to try some other new drugs a few years ago, and they were shit. I know that different drugs have different effects on different people, so I'm not going to recommend Prozac in particular for you (although, it may well be one that works), but I suggest trying a drug that has been around for at least a decade and proven effective. The Prozac, along with reading stuff to help me think more positively (i.e. "self-help" type books) and having a regular workout routine has helped a lot. As you know from my own blog, I don't have the perfect life now by any means, but these things DO help. Hope you feel better soon! Peace.
Anna Grace Old. Your so silly. Have you ever googled me? Are you high right now? Are you sleeping missing all of my attention I'm giving you right now.
Well when you wake up, I'll still be up so I will keep in contact with you then. I put up a song today for you. I don't think you'll like it though. I know you like dance/trance music. I just can never find a good dance song that suites the mood. Probably because I don't know dance music as well as you. YOu always pick good dance songs.
read my comments under yesterday's post and tell me what you think. I know Val is going to be dead set against it. Boomers going to be pissed.
Just so you know I cancelled my sex date with Jess. Not because I feel I have to be faithfull to my cyber husband, but because I'm using right now, and really I prefer the poke of needle to the poke of a cock.
I think I'm going to blog again. Two in one day. I have to make up for missing two days.
COKE ADDICTION: I did try Prozac but unfortunately it made me too agitated and insomniac. At the time it wore off after a couple of weeks and I went OK. But the last antiD I took, mirtazapine which I think is called Remeron in the USA, sent me on a bipolar rollercoaster ride up then down and no dr would give me that again. Which is why he's talking about a mood stabilizer now. Which I don't really want but I've been feeling desperate enough to try anything... If I DO get put on an antidepressant, I'll let you know. But with my history, I doubt it... Which pisses me off as I'd quite like an antidepressant. They work REALLY WELL on me, taking away all traces of the depression when they work. But they can make me a little bit manic, and that's what the drs dont want...
ANNA: I thought you might have cancelled that date because you didn't mention it.
Surely you're going to give up the poke of a needle, then won't you want Jess's incessant pokings more?
What do you mean about Valerie and Boomer? You mean the comment you gave on Monday's post?
Yeah that idiot Valerie would think you were called Anna Grace Old that's about the size of her. She's really little by the way and doesn't really weigh 200lbs, she's all skin and bones and her Margaret Thatcher haircut sticks out nearly a yard on each side!
No I havent been high in days. I don't get high like you do on gear these days it's too weak and I don't buy enough. I used to take enough to knock me out; now I just want to feel slightly heroinized.
I'm more about giving up than picking up. I've had enough of heroin it's very boring. The only high I want is my natural high back. It felt better than any drug,anyway.
I far prefer your music in my current, lower mood. That 9" Nails song was fantastic. Dance music used to do Euphoric Recall on me, that's when you suddenly get an E-flashback due to the tunes!
Yeah post up some more blog, you lazy cow!!!
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