HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Something isn't working

I READ BACK OVER WHAT I POSTED EARLIER. I know what I post tends to include contradictionas. I notice them when I read it back. I'm always stuck between a rock and a hard place; not knowing whether to tell the truth and sound childish and solipsistic. Or to lie and be less dull. Or to lie and be funny. I'm not in the mood for comedy right now. And by lying I mean diversionary truth.

I'm glad my head is not focused. If it were, I would feel more negative than I do. You see it's the act of writing that focuses me, giving a misleading impression that how I write is how I think.

I always thought that what the dr called an illness was actually more of a coping mechanism. A few years ago I wanted a big place in this world. I wanted to be like Oprah Winfrey. Someone who is seen to have achieved great things.

Perhaps I can't focus myself because I shouldn't focus myself. Something I learned from psychedelic drugs that when my reality and concencus reality failed to agree, I shouldn't make sudden moves or drastic changes that might have untoward effects in the concencus world. I'm usually aware when the two realities are out of sync. The world's idea of wellness is being at one with the world. But I prefer my own reality to the world's coldness.

So I don't know whether the world is hounding me to death, or whether my own expectations and those of the world merely disagree. In many parts of the world people are happy merely to eat. If only life could be that happy. "If a man shall not work neither shall he eat," says the Bible. And I don't work.

If you've just tuned in and are wondering what I'm talking about, read the post below. I'm still not sure whether I should have posted it.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do.

Yes I do! My intention is to give up drugs of all kinds. I wish I could be washed clean of methadone too.

The best thing that happened today was that Tonkie Ears, the mouse, ran right up to me and then climbed into my shoe. He looked so cute peering into it. He vanished into it. Reappeared, then scuttled away. That was the best thing by far that happened yesterday.


Spindrift said...

I think this post as the last post are illuminating. They give something of yourself, and as a reader that is a privalege. You are a sensitive intelligent soul. I think that you are working this out, in your own time, it may take a little longer. I think by reading your history it does give me an insight into you that you have come a long way, face many difficulties, and that has shown great strength, great resolve.

You may have a way to go as you see it but you have already come so far.

If I was to offer anything, I would say that I noticed that your drug use finds you in forms of crisis, as you point out. The alternative medicated state may be less so.

I've recently gone from 20 plus years of addiction to therapy and medication and my life is better for it. From what I hear that is not uncommon. I think you are right though, drugs and alcohol does the self medicating, it did for me.

Safe journey


Syd said...

I hope that you can be clean and sober I do believe that you will be better off. Many people cope and do well without drugs. Detox and rehab to get clean and then stay that way. You deserve a better life than what you are in right now.

Akelamalu said...

I echo what Syd said. x

Gledwood said...

Spindrift: I feel more like an insensitive soul than a sensitive one but thanks for the comment

Syd: I have to do the detox very very gradually because every time I tried it in a rehab type setting I went off my head. Not psychotic, just all over the place. Nobody else in there seemed to be in anything like that state which pissed me off this "we're all in the same boat crap". I'd be willing to do it in a dual diagnosis place as long as I could be on no psychiatric drugs apart from sleeping pills. Then I might get a manic episode back.

Akelamalu: here is a polite smile :-)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood