MY DRUGGIEWORKER THINKS I'M BIPOLAR not schizo, so I'm in a really good mood over that. If someone had told me a year ago I would be pleased to considered bipolar I'd never have believed them. His logic doesn't actually follow through: that I'm too articulate and able to say what it is about "schizoaffective disorder" that bothers me. I brought up a Youtube video of somebody complaining about his own avolition. And another one of someone who had schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. Both of these were able to describe their apathy etc. So I'm not actually sure the reasoning was sound and my druggieworker is not qualified in psychiatric diagnosis; but I'm still glad not to be seen as a schizo.
He is going to talk to a the psychiatrist and a psychologist. "Tell them it's about chronic laziness," I said. Surely there's some way for lazy people to stop being lazy, whatever medicalized words you put to it.
I didn't dare tell anything about my "death ideation". That would be written up and used against me somehow.
I'm using no heroin at all today. Just methadone methadone. I'm feeling a bit crap.
I had a sudden rush of euphoria earlier on that reminded me of being manic. If only, if only I could get a manic episode back. I will never complain about being irritable, paranoid and agitated again, just as long as I get back that "better than crack" high.
The reason I don't like crack by the way is that despite its intensity, it actually feels like a high and a low at the same time. There's a lot of anxiety in the crack high. And a cowering sort of paranoia. On mania I had almost no anxiety at all. Just this amazing feeling of excitement constantly coursing through me. If only I could get that feeling back, I'd never need drugs ever again.
The paranoia on mania made me want to smack my tormentors in the face, not hide from them. My self esteeem went higher than it's ever been and stayed that way for weeks afterwards, even in depression. Depression, I have always found, takes quite some time to erode the self esteem to truly abysmal levels.
I made it to the drugs clinic despite having difficulty walking. My back is really bad. I must have slept badly. It's been like this before.
Jeremy Kyle is doing military driving on television. Jeremy Kyle does a trashy TV show each morning which consists almost exclusively of lie detectors, DNA results and him banging on at anybody who is unemployed. If only he would crash and die. He loves persecuting paranoid cannabis users. Strangely nobody with the extreme kind of paranoia you get in bipolar and schizophrenia ever gets on his show. Wouldn't make such a soft target would they?
Well there's no news. I glanced over the crap I wrote yesterday. You'd think I was writing about somebody else. Or somebody else was writing about me.
The dr might give me some other medication. I can't be bothered with medication. All it does is turn me into somebody else. Maybe heroin turned me into someone else too, but at least that person was better than who I was before. I don't care who I become on heroin, because I hated who I was before. Somehow I have to become clean and become yet another person. Oh yeah and I'm not allowed to have any enjoyable mental illness symptoms, only misery.Otherwise Narcotics Anonymous won't conceive in their tiny little minds that it's not drugs and will spout reams of same same same bullshit at me. Why don't I detox? Do you want to see somebody go crazy with bells and whistles on? Detox me off methadone. The only good thing about detoxing is it might provoke a manic episode, and that would be really cool. You can't feel much in the way of heat, cold, hunger, pain or withdrawals while manic. It's pretty much the ideal state to be in.
My clothes are still sopping wet. They haven't dried at all since yesterday or the day before or whenever I washed them.
I would go to NA if only I had money to get to a meeting. The government decided to pay benefits fortnightly not weekly and this has royally fucked me up. I'm broke until next Monday.
Personally I believe I should be hanged for being sick and disabled or shot dead. Whatever. The government keep saying they want to cut scroungers off. Well why not kill them all? I have death ideation still. I'm not suicidal. I just want to die. If I can lower my tolerance to opiates I have a much better chance of this happening. My femoral veins are untouched, but I'm very squeamish about sticking a needle in there. The femoral vein carries blood from the entire leg back to the heart. It's a finger-width thick and very near the femoral artery and sciatic nerve. You really have to know what you're doing to go there.
Oh why am I prattling away like this. I am not going to delete this either. I'm keeping this here so people can know what it's like being a manic-depressive junkie. And someone somewhere will read about my sad life and decide never ever to end up like me.
Tonkie Ears the mousey keeps coming into my bedroom. He jumps over my ankles in the night. He's really really furry and cute. I wish I had an eight foot by three foot by four foot fishtank, then I could set up a mousery and Tonkie Ears could ping about to his heart's content without bringing round Pest Control!
Here is the schizoaffective vid I saw yesterday. Note how normal and sane he is, despite what he's saying. BTW he has the depressive type, not the bipolar type.
Negative symptoms are just a medical term for damn laziness. Note how animated this guy looks despite the apathy he talks about. My attention had wandered by the time this one came up but it illustrates what I was banging on about in earlier posts
Negative symptoms again. All the stuff she reels off: apathy, poor motivation etc etc this is what I was complaining about.
It was Christmas eve in a war zone - I just about managed to rise this morning but shining is still a long way off. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had my usual stress dream last night....
8 hours ago