HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Today At The Drugs Clinic

MY DRUGGIEWORKER THINKS I'M BIPOLAR not schizo, so I'm in a really good mood over that. If someone had told me a year ago I would be pleased to considered bipolar I'd never have believed them. His logic doesn't actually follow through: that I'm too articulate and able to say what it is about "schizoaffective disorder" that bothers me. I brought up a Youtube video of somebody complaining about his own avolition. And another one of someone who had schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. Both of these were able to describe their apathy etc. So I'm not actually sure the reasoning was sound and my druggieworker is not qualified in psychiatric diagnosis; but I'm still glad not to be seen as a schizo.

He is going to talk to a the psychiatrist and a psychologist. "Tell them it's about chronic laziness," I said. Surely there's some way for lazy people to stop being lazy, whatever medicalized words you put to it.

I didn't dare tell anything about my "death ideation". That would be written up and used against me somehow.

I'm using no heroin at all today. Just methadone methadone. I'm feeling a bit crap.

I had a sudden rush of euphoria earlier on that reminded me of being manic. If only, if only I could get a manic episode back. I will never complain about being irritable, paranoid and agitated again, just as long as I get back that "better than crack" high.

The reason I don't like crack by the way is that despite its intensity, it actually feels like a high and a low at the same time. There's a lot of anxiety in the crack high. And a cowering sort of paranoia. On mania I had almost no anxiety at all. Just this amazing feeling of excitement constantly coursing through me. If only I could get that feeling back, I'd never need drugs ever again.

The paranoia on mania made me want to smack my tormentors in the face, not hide from them. My self esteeem went higher than it's ever been and stayed that way for weeks afterwards, even in depression. Depression, I have always found, takes quite some time to erode the self esteem to truly abysmal levels.

I made it to the drugs clinic despite having difficulty walking. My back is really bad. I must have slept badly. It's been like this before.

Jeremy Kyle is doing military driving on television. Jeremy Kyle does a trashy TV show each morning which consists almost exclusively of lie detectors, DNA results and him banging on at anybody who is unemployed. If only he would crash and die. He loves persecuting paranoid cannabis users. Strangely nobody with the extreme kind of paranoia you get in bipolar and schizophrenia ever gets on his show. Wouldn't make such a soft target would they?

Well there's no news. I glanced over the crap I wrote yesterday. You'd think I was writing about somebody else. Or somebody else was writing about me.

The dr might give me some other medication. I can't be bothered with medication. All it does is turn me into somebody else. Maybe heroin turned me into someone else too, but at least that person was better than who I was before. I don't care who I become on heroin, because I hated who I was before. Somehow I have to become clean and become yet another person. Oh yeah and I'm not allowed to have any enjoyable mental illness symptoms, only misery.Otherwise Narcotics Anonymous won't conceive in their tiny little minds that it's not drugs and will spout reams of same same same bullshit at me. Why don't I detox? Do you want to see somebody go crazy with bells and whistles on? Detox me off methadone. The only good thing about detoxing is it might provoke a manic episode, and that would be really cool. You can't feel much in the way of heat, cold, hunger, pain or withdrawals while manic. It's pretty much the ideal state to be in.

My clothes are still sopping wet. They haven't dried at all since yesterday or the day before or whenever I washed them.

I would go to NA if only I had money to get to a meeting. The government decided to pay benefits fortnightly not weekly and this has royally fucked me up. I'm broke until next Monday.

Personally I believe I should be hanged for being sick and disabled or shot dead. Whatever. The government keep saying they want to cut scroungers off. Well why not kill them all? I have death ideation still. I'm not suicidal. I just want to die. If I can lower my tolerance to opiates I have a much better chance of this happening. My femoral veins are untouched, but I'm very squeamish about sticking a needle in there. The femoral vein carries blood from the entire leg back to the heart. It's a finger-width thick and very near the femoral artery and sciatic nerve. You really have to know what you're doing to go there.

Oh why am I prattling away like this. I am not going to delete this either. I'm keeping this here so people can know what it's like being a manic-depressive junkie. And someone somewhere will read about my sad life and decide never ever to end up like me.

Tonkie Ears the mousey keeps coming into my bedroom. He jumps over my ankles in the night. He's really really furry and cute. I wish I had an eight foot by three foot by four foot fishtank, then I could set up a mousery and Tonkie Ears could ping about to his heart's content without bringing round Pest Control!

Here is the schizoaffective vid I saw yesterday. Note how normal and sane he is, despite what he's saying. BTW he has the depressive type, not the bipolar type.

Negative symptoms are just a medical term for damn laziness. Note how animated this guy looks despite the apathy he talks about. My attention had wandered by the time this one came up but it illustrates what I was banging on about in earlier posts

Negative symptoms again. All the stuff she reels off: apathy, poor motivation etc etc this is what I was complaining about.


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I think we all have millions of disorders. I probably have 1 thousand on the psychiatric couch.
If I could choose a disorder, it'd have nothing to do with reality perception. I'd take the disorder that could insulate the hardness & coldness of the world.
Sometimes I think people with no sense of reality are the luckiest ones-no pain.
I wish you the best.
You have courage, that's admirable, lots are too scared to seek out their labels.
Feel good, my friend.

Spindrift said...

For years I lived my life through my mental illness, it became my identity. Now I am trying to rid myself of that. If detox and rehab are not something you think would work for you, there are other ways to manage your situation. It sounds as though that is what you are doing. Talking with professionals, reaching out, you are on your way. I hope you believe that too. Safe journey, Paul

Baino said...

Apathy . . wish I had more of it frankly. My best friend is arguably the most apathetic person I know. A little manic at times but simply has this "I don't care" attitude. He rarely gets stressed, I can tell you that for free. Does't matter what label you put on it, we're all a little mad.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Always thinking about you and rooting for you, Gleds. Whatever you are, I know this about you: you are a thoughtful, kind man.

Gledwood said...

Is Apathy good? Then I'm the mother Teresa of lazy bastards!

And I do think most nutnut conditions are coping mechanisms. Thats why I was saying I wanted to be manic. I know it is a dreadful mental illness that leads to people smashing windows, punching policemen in the face, breaking into shops and dressing up in the stuff in the windows (all stuff I've heard of manic people doing)... I know it's not good. But it feels good. And frankly I'd rather feel good than feeel crap. That's probably sad, I know but hey the world is so evil and nasty I hate it. I don't want to live in it.

Spindrift said...

This 'manic' you seek. You have called it a high. Do you ever think there will be a time in your life that you will not want to be 'high?'. Paul

Gledwood said...

I didn't always think I was high when I was manic I felt pretty normal with loads of energy and lots of excitement.

The reason I want the high is that it stopped me wanting any drugs at all. And when I don't have that high I just feel depressed. So I'd rather have the natural high back. I'm past caring too much whether I go bonkers.

It wasn't all hearts and flowers being manic by any means I had the worst ever attention span. At the peak of it people seemed to think I was talking crap and I have to say I thought the same thing about them. When I woke up this morning I thought "why did I say that?" (about wanting to be manic). I know it is a mental illness. I just felt so desperate it feels like my only hope



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood