HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, May 07, 2011

5am SCORE!

IT'S 5:44 I SCORED ABOUT 45 MINS ago and I'm still feeling pretty good. I spent all of £1.59 on my substance of choice. It was corned beef from the local shop.

Why did I write all that crap I posted earlier. It's true it was what was circling round my brains at the time but I just read it back and it's SO depressing. I'm trying to keep my thoughts on positive things. The only positive things I have are Boomer and Valerie. Boomer from Yuma gives Anna Grace Venom heroin in exchange for sex when she goes down to Arizona. Valerie is the Housewife Superstar Heroin Queen of Australia. She has a bouffanted Margaret Thatcher hairdo, a French manicure, wears treble strings of pearls... and imports ten tonnes of China White heroin into Australia and New Zealand annually. Her beer-drinking crack-smoking husband Bruce invests the money in what Valerie terms "respectable enterprises: gambling parlours, whorehouses and strip-joints". I can't really think of anything else to write about. Valerie will be furious for me mentioning her and I'll probably get another death-threat for writing this, but hey.

Actually writing is the only thing I can still do when I'm down. Nothing much else gets done at all! I'm stewing already about having to lumber down that chemist's shop to pick up a weekend supply of methadone at nine o'clock. I hate going in there being judged as an antipsychotic-blitzed junkie. When the doc-doc does prescribe a mood stabilizer which he probably will, they'll have even more to laugh about. My drugs worker is making an appointment with the dr which I don't really want. I told him I wasn't really severely depressed or ill or anything, just lazy. Wish I'd kept my big mouth shut now. I was just stewing about being labelled schizo then having looked up the symptoms and seeing I had the "negative" ones. Negative symptoms is a medicalized term for damn laziness. So I'm afflicted with laziness but I can't break out of it. I've tried and tried but I just can't. And I never used to be a layabout, by the way. I somehow turned into one and can't stop it. That's one big reason I never truly got on with the potheads at university. They seemed to revel in lazing around doing nothing. My attitude to life was you had to set goals and achieve them. And I wanted to be extraordinary, not ordinary. An extraordinary person is one who produces extraordinary things. What have I done at all? Got myself addicted to heroin. Felt OK for the first time in my life (early childhood excepting). Now I can't get used to feeling totally un-OK. It's for THIS reason I say I don't really care about losing my mind to a manic episode. Least mania burns brightly and is creative and loud and jazzy and FUN. Heroin is frankly boring. A drug for people in pain (which is why I took it for so long). Depression is beyond the pale. The only psychological state I hate more than depression is anxiety, which thankfully I barely ever get. I want to be ALIVE again. Only time I ever felt truly alive was when I went "manic". So that, if you were wondering, is why my constant references to mania. Mania is a state where you're so full of life you literally fizz over with it. It was the severe mania I had problems with. The moderate grade was fantastic. I can't bear to listen to any of the tunes I did back then, they all sound so flat and miserable now. I want to be ALIVE AGAIN.

My back is still bad which is annoying. Well, obviously. Soon as it's better I really have to tackle the state of my house. Empty corned beef tins, cyder cans, cigarette ends strewn all over the place.

I'm annoyed that Tonkie Ears the mouse seems to have deserted me. Perhaps if I bought some Wild Bird seed he'd be tempted back.

I really wish I hadn't posted up the crap I did earlier. It makes me look like a really mixed up confused soul. Sometimes I do think what I put; other times I don't. I don't know what I think or feel any more. I mean I feel a bit depressed and yet when Anna Grace posted up a lurid sexual fantasy I laughed hysterically. She did exactly the same thing the first time Boomer got in touch. She was down in Yuma desperate for some gear and then a cab driver sorted her out with a connexion who got her a gram of tar heroin for $90, which is supposed to be good value.

You know top notch heroin used to cost only £30 a weighed gram, that's $50. I know they were full grams; I had scales. Proper great lumps of brown (not suspiciously fine powder) that reeked of Afghanistan. I used to love it. Still I binged on it whenever I had the chance. When I begged for a living my usage averaged just under a gram a day, although I could survive on 0.6g (my dealer sold 0.3g for £10). With purity fluctuating between 40-50% in this period that's quite a lot of intravenous diamorphine. No wonder I had problems with methadone. When a doctor tried to convince me 120mg methadone was a stonkingly high dose I pointed out that I'd researched equivalences online and with opinions varying between 1mg-1mg and 1mg methadone to 4mg (neat) heroin, 120mg methadone wasn't very much compared to 360mg diamorphine. In British hospitals, 5mg diamorphine is the usual dose of painkiller for a heart attack victim. In exceptional circumstances the dose might be titrated up to 10mg. So 360mg was quite a lot. Yes, pharmaceutical heroin is used in British hospitals, no need for Dilaudid unless the side-effects profile specifically calls for hydromorphone. Diamorphine is considered a better drug than morphine because it reaches peak plasma concentration far more quickly than morphine (which takes 35 minutes intramuscular!), it can be dissolved in tiny amounts of water (several hundred milligrams in 1ml) and because it DOES provoke euphoria it's considered especially useful in palliative care where the terminally ill could do with every lift available to them. The only reason medical heroin isn't used in America is to justify their "war on drugs" stance, that heroin has "no medical value". It's actually the number one painkiller for terminal care in the UK because it's better-tolerated than virtually anything else.

I took my methadone early last night. Around 2am instead of 7am. I can grudgingly accept it might have a tiny effect on mood as it did make me feel a little bit better.

I'm off the alcohol today. Blew my beer money on corned beef. The corned beef craving actually exceeded the one for alcohol, which is saying something...

Now I'd better go. I still feel crap. I'm so pissed off, it's unreal. I'm going to try watching Michael Jackson to cheer me up.


SAY SAY SAY
This features Paul and Linda McCartney and La Toya Jackson as Michael's "luuurve" interest...



Test scores:
Psymed 43Goldberg 75

5 comments:

Valerie said...

I've truly had enough of you revealing my personal life on this blog of yours. The gunman is calling at yours between 9 and 5 today so HIDE, FUCKER, HIDE!!

Anna Grace said...

Valerie, I demand you leave Gledwood alone. Your life is for all of us to read about. Let him write what he wants about you.

Gledwood,
you and your corned beef. It makes me laugh how much you eat that stuff. Don't get me wrong I like corned beef every now and again, but nothing as much as you like it.
That Boomer has a dirty mouth. My aunt thinks I really did meet a boomer in Arizona. We had a good laugh about it over the phone this morning. She used to think that Val was a real person too. You do such a good job of writing comedy. You have such talent. You should write a book, you'd get published by a real publisher.

Can you plan our cyber wedding. We really need to make it offical. I'm not into planning weddings, so I thought I'd leave it up to the clever one in the cybership. After our marriage we can start a shared blog. What should we call it? I'm not as clever as you, and not nearly as funny on paper or this voodoo screen. I like to think I'm funny in real life. I'm definatly odd. Dry sense of humour.

I hope you feel better soon. Does the Heroin or Methadone make your back feel better? If it does, you should clean when your back isn't feeling shit. Just so you know I'm gonna get on you to clean, because I know you'll feel better about yourself. I understand that the state of your house is due to your mental illness, but you could just clean the damn place. Right, Right.

All my love,
xxx

Gledwood said...

Yeah fuck off Valerie you interfering cow. Breach of copyinght one minute...what is it the next?

When I got something in my eye bad enough to have to go to Moorfields Eye Hospital to get it taken out, the gear really helped with the pain and discomfort, it made it about 2/3 better. But with my back the gear doesn't seem to help, which is a real fucker. I find it's more a muscle and exhaustion problem than an oldfashioned pain problem...

Did your Aunt really think Valerie was real? You shouldn't have told her! I love Valerie. So did your Auntie really think there was ablack man with poor grammar and underpants full of chocolate cheerios waiting for you to come and lick them off??! That's hilarious.

I haven't slept last night which was weird. I literally didn't feel tired at all. If I start feeling better I'll let you know. But I don't want to do what I did last time which is post up a blog heading like "feeling better" then by the day of the Royal Wedding I wasfeeling shitty already!

Anonymous said...

oh gleds,that pic you posted of diamorphine takes me back to good times when my boyfriend had them on script and i used to get given one every day,soooo yummy. Now drought mentality reigns supreme.I hope you feel better soon,we love ya xx annie

Gledwood said...

Annie your boyfriend used to get them on script? You lucky cow! How on earth did that happen? Was it NHS or private? How long did he get them for? And how many mgs per day?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood