HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Just another manic-depressive Monday

IT'S HALF PAST ELEVEN. I got up dead early this morning and drank methadone. Watched the Royle Family and met a friend who owed me money. I got paid in gear which ****ed my resolve up not to use. The gear was crap anyway. Then I went up the chemists, got methadone. This methadone is for the early hours when I'm knocking back the lot so I can face the day with no cravings at all. I'm hoping the huge dose will put me in a good mood. Fat chance of that probably but you can but try.

I've been doing a spot of cleaning every single day. The full sacks are piled on a chair. I daren't put them out until the binmen come round. Otherwise some wild animal or scavenging human will tear them open revealing my cyder-drinking and other sins to the world.

Our local charity shop sold me a hardback copy of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book for £1. It's the fourth edition. Like the NA book, the second half is packed with personal stories how I took up and gave up drinking. Surprisingly I found the stories more informative than the Narcotics Anonymous ones. When I read the NA ones I keep wondering how white the heroin was, how much they paid for it, what type of needle they used, and which vein. Junkie questions. In the AA book I focus more on the point.

My concentration span is going downhill (again). But it means I get more value from the book. I can read the best bits over again and it's all new every time.

I went to bed at 4pm from sheer exhaustion and slept till 8. That means I've slept 12 hours today. I woke up with my head going everywhere. 12 people have voted in my hearing voices poll so far and most people say they have heard them at some point. Which doesn't surprise me. According to the Voice Hearers Movement 2/3 of those who regularly hear voices have no psychiatric diagnosis. I was crossing the road today when I heard Jim Royle say "bloody hell!". I nearly got hit by a VW Beetle. A red one. Now that I know that I'm not mad I'm much happier about it.

I've had corned beef and a bag of chips. Couldn't finish the chips. I don't know why I'm still so fat. It was only one tin. I did give up corned beef for a few days but the craving gets so intense it's too much to bear. Far worse than the craving for heroin.

Anna Grace has posted nothing since Friday. She might be sicking out her habit. I hope she does get clean. She said she was going all manic. Having an elevated mood is really helpful for coming off drugs, well I think so. Why on earth would you want drugs when you feel fantastic anyhow? Only drugs I was glad of when I went hyper were zopiclone sleeping pills. I got some sleep every single night. Even though it was only 2 and a half hours, it's better than nothing. That line drs like to spin about your body getting the sleep it needs is a lie by the way. I've gone 4 days on no sleep at all and I've heard stories of people going 7 days. All that happens is you go more mad and hallucinate floridly. And when you do sleep after all that time, it's usually only for a few hours. And then you're awake for days on end again. This is in mania by the way. So all that stuff spouted by doctors is just crap. I hope Anna isn't too manic, it really melts the brains does mania. She might be in hospital. I hope she's OK.

I need to do some voluntary work, but who would have me? Need to finish clearing my house first. What shall I do work-wise? I don't know...

3 comments:

Spindrift said...

you don't talk about your past before drugs, not that i have found. Have you resolved all of your issues, if you have any from that time in your life? Do you have a philosophy on this? Have done, don't need to, next question, that kind of thing.

Anna Grace said...

I'm okay, just manic. Nobody to monitor how I'm doing, so no hospital for me. I haven't used drugs since Sunday. I used Methadone. I'm no longer dope sick. Just happy to be alive. Feeling great. I haven't posted because I've been busy cleaning. I mean deep cleaning. I haven't slept since I took the Methadone on Sunday.

I got to go, my favorite morning TV show is on. I don't know if I can totally focus on it, but I'm gonna try. I'll post later on today.

All my love to you. I missed you. My dearest husband.
xxx

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hin Anna, Hi Gledwood,
Glad you're alright.
I've nee exhausted myself too. I just doze off watching tv.
I been an early bird lately, up at between 5_6:30 am tops.
Wish you well,
j.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood