HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Mr Misery

I AM IN A **** MOOD. I am beating myself up about whether or not to eat Morrisons industrial Chinese chicken curry with egg fry rice or to buy a tin of corned beef from the corner shop for £1.79 (cheaper than Morrisons who charge £2.49 for a big tin). When I've already eaten two and a half chicken thighs and a Pot Noodle today and am not actually hungry. I'm on a diet, remember. And I take in excess calories through my alcohol consumption. I only want to do comfort eating. "I hate myself and I want to die" as Anna Grace says. I don't want to be a waste of oxygen. Or a waste of food. I've had no heroin today or yesterday which might be why I feel so crap. Not that it's withdrawal as I have ample methadone. But because, as the nutnut nurse phrased it, it's my "underlying mood". I was only using gear to aleviate depression. I hate relying on heroin for a barely passable sense of happiness. I hate not being on it because I'm so miserable.

And yes I do realize how funny that paragraph sounds.

I keep asking myself why I bang on so much about wanting to be manic again. Wanting to be manic is wanting to be severely mentally ill. Just shows how desperate I felt when I wrote those words. On the other hand "severely mentally ill" is merely the medical profession's view and they're probably jealous of people who have a fantastically elevated mood with thoughts exploding like starbursts, beautiful hyperacusis and poetic hallucinations and all the world shimmering like a firework display. That was the good part of being manic.

I was very offended when my dr used the term "manic depression" (not to mention schizophrenia) with regards to me. Why do manic and depressed have to go together? Why does everything in life that seems so good have to be SHIT.

I stand by what I thought and probably posted at the time. You only truly see reality when you're at the very top and bottom extremes of mood. At the top you see neverending beauty and wonder. At the bottom, all is worthlessness and pain. Doctors never give painkillers for mental pain. Which is why it's up to sufferers to score for themselves on the streets.

Anna Grace is probably pissed off with me because she wrote a post about her suicide fantasy and I laughed at the bit when she said her dog might start tucking into her rotting corpse. My sick sense of humour overcame good taste and I told her. There's no point deleting the comment as I know it will have gone direct to her Blackberry. Sorry Anna I am one sick fuck. You just have to accept me for who I am.

On the way back from Morrisons I had a persistent, vivid fantasy about finding an eighth of top-notch brown heroin wrapped up in black binliner. It played over and over in my head. In my dream I ripped open the bag to be engulfed by the overpowering aroma of Fresh Afghan Gear.

Getting off the bus I took a deliberate shortcut through a back alley. I've found gear in alleyways twice before, so this was my best bet for locating this tantaliing eighth. In the alley was a discarded firedoor. Guess what? Poking out from the door was a bit of black plastic! I grabbed it and found an unopened quarter bottle of vodka. Not exactly heroin, but I'm about to start drinking right now.

I actually hate vodka and I know it will only make me want the corned beef even more, so I'll have 2 more things to hate myself for. I know it sounds petty hating myself for eating, but I got down to one single tin of corned beef per day (plus 2 cans of cider and 2 small tropical fruit juices). So I'm hardly in anorexia mode, but it feels like a triumph to be eating so much less than before.

I know everything I've written in God knows how long probably sounds desperately fucked up. I'm not going to lie, am I? If I was going to do one of those "aren't I witty and cool" blogs, I'd have taken up that pose from day one. There's nothing cool about me. Cool people only like me because I don't pretend to be cool. And don't I sound like a 13 year old talking like this.

I could say I wish I'd never got into heroin, but heroin gave me a feeling I'd never had before. A kind of contentment and a false happiness. Before that I had nothing stronger than cups of tea, the occasional Silk Cut cigarette scabbed from the secretary downstairs and packets of Maryland hazelnut choc-chip cookies and videos to indulge in when I was down. I had a gaping hole inside me, nothing but heroin ever filled it.

So now I have to live the rest of my life either empty or stoked up to the eyes on psychiatric drugs, when my real problem is hypochondria and laziness. I don't really believe depression is an illness and when I was manic I didn't feel like I existed at all. I was out of this world. Now this world is all too real and crushing me down. I so wish someone would murder me. That would be the best of all worlds. A dangerous criminal would get taken off the streets and I would die. This is the stuff that goes through my head. I couldn't actually provoke someone into killing me: that would be moral cowardice of the most abysmal kind. I just wish I didn't have to live in this world. It's not that I want some pain to end, like people like Trisha Goddard insist is the root of suicidality. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD, I HATE IT. I hate everything about it. The longer I live, the more I will sin and the worse a person I will become. We're all in darkness. The world is dying, our societies are crumbling. I don't want to live to see it.

I need a drink.

14 comments:

Anna Grace said...

As I said in my comments, the bit about Elle eating me was suppose to be funny. I'm glad someone took it that way. My aunt was horrifed that I would even write out such a sick thought. I said to her, ahh, that's what I think about.

I'm out of Heroin, and my chicago thing won't pan out for a few days. I'm in mild withdrawls, which just intensifies my suicidal thoughts.

I keep a shot gun shell and a razor blad in a little jar on my night stand for a just in case. Still I have to have Heroin before I off myself. Just one more time of feeling better while alive.

I myself am drinking Vodka today to keep myself steady. Its depressing me more though. I can't even bring myself to post, and I'm afraid in an hour or two I'll be so drunk, and post something that makes no sense.

When I was in jail the first time for 13 days I had a similar dream to your day dream. I never found Heroin in an alley way. I have found crack though on a sidewalk in Hawaii.

Anna Grace said...

I'll post up a song for you though. I still have the sense to do that. I know you like "house music", but its a alternitive song. Did I spell alternitive right? I just get so frustraed with spelling. It really does my head in. I like commenting on my phone because it has automatic spell check. Yet then again I can't type as fast, therefore I don't leave as long of comments.


On days like this its hard for me to concentrate enough to read a blog, but I put forth the effort and read yours. Can't miss what my cyber husband has to say today.

hope things get better for you.

Gledwood said...

Put up this song then.

I'm clucking a bit too, because of the heroin on top of methadone. I kept a bit extra spare but it's still not enough.

Is there no way you can get gear before Friday/Saturday/whenever? Haven't you got any of that G left?

You could try stashing some a good half hour from your house next time but be careful. I've found other people's stashes before. I don't mean people in my house, I mean stashes stashed in public places. Sorry I tell a lie, I found ONE stash and a dropped gram and 2 dropped bags in an alleyway and 3 dropped bags up the road. This was in a very druggie part of London, all within 10 mins of each other.

O fuck I can't believe I feel this shitty. Does the Ambien still work? Have one of them.

ps I so wish somebody would drop a big load of heroin near my house. The vodka tastes of glorified vomit, as vodka does...

Spindrift said...

It sounds to me that you could make your situation 'better' if you saught out those at the drug clinic you go to. Do you believe you could trust enough to let others make decisions on your health? Could you trust in the clinic to? Do you have a distrust of the medical profession / authority? I ask this because I think you could alleviate some of the crisis you are in through that avenue. You would have to want it, seek it out, trust it. Could you do that?

I am curious about your want to be high because I am not sure whether that is realistic for you but then again this is something like the previous paragraph you would have to decide for yourself.

The idea of feeling down and desperate is not uncommon in a life that gets so out of step and lack of options seem abound. Have you ever tried therapy, I'm not sure what services are like where you are but I found therapy helped me understand myself more but I was in therapy for a while. It was kind of a verbal blog to someone. It helped. There is a simpler life for you Gledwood. There is a good life waiting for you, change is hard, the reward is great.

I wish you well

Safe journey

Paul

Spindrift said...

Sorry, I just read back over this and I realise I spelt 'saught' wrong. I didn't spell check. I'm in a bit of a rush today, forgive my expression as well. It probably comes across a bit that way too.

I hope you are feeling better, it sounds from your correspondence to Anna that you are. Anna, I hope you are feeling better too. I used to find vodka was good for what ailed me.

Safe journey

Paul

Gledwood said...

I'm not sure I want to be high (opiate high). I could get heroin tomorrow if I really wanted it, I could borrow money to get it. But I will feel more shit the next day. I'd rather not use at all if I can not use.

I've tried therapy and don't like it at all. If I have to take more psych drugs I suppose I would. I really don't want to. People on meds seem to have just as many problems as people off them. So I'm not sure.

I don't want to live in mediocrity for ever and that's my fear over psychiatric drugs. Mediocrity. Maybe I'm in mediocrity now anyway... who knows

Spindrift said...

You'll get there Gledwood, you are intelligent. You are working this out.

I am taking psychiatric drugs and my life is better for it. After more than 20 years of addiction I was clean for more than a year, but I found that I was struggling with many things.

Therapy helped me alot, I'm disappointed that it wasn't for you. I tried C.B.T. and A.C.T. with two different clinics.

Medication is no magic bullet, the therapy helped as did a support group around me. But a balance of both has helped the most.

There are some problems that can be resolved and some that need to be worked on more than others. It's true that meds will not help the person as much as they can if the person is willing to help themselves.

Love and kindness to you Gledwood

Safe journey

Paul

Cloudia said...

love & kindness to YOU, dear friend





Warm Aloha from Waikiki


Comfort Spiral

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Akelamalu said...

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you better Gleds. x

Anna Grace said...

Post something new you daft cow.
I'm not sure what daft cow means, but I think I'm using it right from what I've watched in British movies.

I'm leaving for down south for the day to pick up, but I'll be checking to see if you blogged on my phone. So you better you daft cow. Hubby.

Much love,

xxx

Anna Grace said...

My darling,

Its weird calling you that. LOL! I hope you didn't take offence to me calling you a daft cow. I still don't know what it means. I'll google it.

That Valarie was very funny today, her and her irriatable bowl syndrom. I hear that's a real pain in the ass, literly.

I still have part of that g left, but I need more, and I don't have enough left to get me to next week Thursday, when I go back on Methadone. We will both be on Methadone. What milligram are you on. Or how many milligrams are you on. Can you convert milligrams, from your mesurments over there in England?

I'm gonna stay at a low dose, so I don't gain all that weight back. I'm down to 170. Finally. I'm so scared that I will gain it back.

I want to be thin when I finally meet you. (like you would ever let that happen)You won't even send me a photo. I know I harp on this too much. I don't need a photo to be your best friend, aka cyber wife.

Did you like the song I posted for you yesterday? Did you watch the video where he shoots himself? Its from the movie Fight Club, I highly recomend this film. You have a eclectic taste in films, so I think you would enjoy watching the flick.

Where is my mind? I can't help but adore a man who likes Gone with the Wind.

Well I haven't much to say, and I'm just typeing away, sounding like a stalker. Just know I like you no matter what you look like. Unless of course your very ugly. I know your not. From how you describe yourself you just the type of guy I like.

I'm flying high, so if I'm being innaporpriate just disregard this comment. I still have to put up the video of Bud Dwyer shooting himself, so I gots to go.

All my love,
xxxx

The horse lawyer said...

Interesting comment about mediocrity, Gledwood. I believe we all have an urge to be ultraspecial. Sometimes it's the addictions or the illness that makes us special, even. When you realize how similar one person is to another, you can lose sight of what makes you so different (and not-mediocre!) too.
Or, is mediocrity really such an awful thing? It could be; I dunno as I have never been mediocre (wink)
Luck to you-

Anna Grace said...

Now I'm worried about you. Are you okay? You usually have a post up by now. Your not a waste of air, and food.

Gledwood said...

Anna: I put Valerie up else I'd only have been whingeing away about how miserable I am. I was high on gear when I posted Valerie. Then I edited her when I wasn't high, so I must have some sense of humour still. Spike Milligan was a comedian and he was manic depressive. He called Prince Charles a whining bastard and Prince Charles laughed his head off.

Thanks everyone else for the comments my brain has disengaged yet again.

I didn't write earlier because I was asleep. I'm sleeping a LONG time these days. Fucking depression/laziness/whatever it is.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood