HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 07, 2011

After The Phone Call ...

I JUST SPOKE TO A SENIOR CARE PERSON at the druggie service. Buta, apparently IS the Titration Nurse. (A titration nurse is a Senior Torture Operative, somebody specializing in giving subtherapeutic doses of substitute medication to opiate addicts).

Bloody hell if that's what a nurse is like I'd hate to run into a 100% unqualified person.

I agree with the Senior Care Person that, having used on top of my script, I'm not totally stabilized, so I'm going to the stabilization seminar. That was the only one that really appealed to me anyhow. I didn't go to the rehab one as I don't want to go to detox/rehab ~ except as a very last resort. I want to cut down methadone "in the community" and then either switch to Subutex or simply tail off methadone to nothing. I don't mind which. But detox and rehab are heavy going options. I found their reduction programmes too steep for me. My insomnia was so bad, I didn't sleep at all in those places, which wouldn't bother me if I could just get up and start the day at 2am, the way I usually would ~ but you were supposed to stay quiet for the benefit of everybody else who was sleeping (including the night staff). So I was depressed with "suicidal ideation" with nobody to talk to. "Ideation" really is just ideas so talking probably does help. If I ever go to such a place again I'd pick one specializing in "dual diagnosis" (addicts with mental health "issues"). At worst I could end up the sanest person amongst a bunch of loonies. But at best I'd be in the right place to have a "breakdown".

My risperidone is kicking in. I know this after a man wheeling a toddler in a pushchair muttered, "Bleedin' 'ell, mate. Wake up!" as I zombied past. I felt like a zombie last week (which is probably what irritated Buta so much) ~ and that was without risperidone. With it I'm like the walking dead. One of my coping mechanisms is to disengage. I do it naturally. The "thousand yard stare"... that's me.

I don't know why this is but I seem to get MORE psychotic-like phenomena the first few days back on that stuff. That's happened twice before. Does anybody know why that could be? It's not giant, technicolour visions I'm seeing. Just voices talking random words now and then. Like thoughts pushed sideways into my mind. I don't know whether this stuff will ever go away. Good job it doesn't bother me too much. What bothers me most is 1. anxiety 2. depression 3. agitation 4. paranoia 5. mood swings. But I think all the stuff now I get is very low-grade so I cannot complain.

Well I've got to go. I DID NOT TAKE that Valium I was talking about (last post). I forgot to do it. Then remembered. Then reminded myself "if you're able to forget about it, it cannot be so overwhelmingly pressing" so I avoid avoid avoided. I think Valium is strictly for emergencies only and Buta doesn't deserve the Honour of being Valium-worhy.

The Senior Person I spoke to mentiond that Buta was a nice person. Now this isn't something that had to be said. So maybe it is true. What I picked up from Buta wasn't horribleness it was Bemusement. There's a mental block that separates us. Possibly I was doing a lot of "thousand yard stares" without noticing... Who knows? Unfortunately as she's Titration Nurse, there's nobody else who can "work" me apart from the doctor. That is, until I'm Stabilized.

So my goal now is to stabilize as fast as possible, never to use any heroin ever again and to go to this one group that sounds OK. You never know, it might be really good fun. I quite liked group work in rehab. It's being forced into groups I disagree with. So I will try. I will try. I will try ... Wish me luck. I might well need it ...


Akelamalu said...

I sincerely hope you succeed my friend. x

Gledwood said...


Syd said...

Best of luck Gleds. I hope that the never again will stick this time.

Gledwood said...

I'm far more motivated now I feel some actual DIALOGUE has taken place. Some bitch bullying me only makes me determined not to do anything she wants (even if, without her pushing me into it, I'd want to do it anyhow). So Buta is being entirely counterproductive. I'm going to see what she has to say for herself next session. I'm sure my "confidential" phone call will have reached her all-hearing ears...

She told me she knows who has been to what group therapy session because there's a visitors' book we're all supposed to sign. So I'm doing a squiggle that looks nothing like my ordinary signiture to confound Buta into thinking I've not been. I'd love to set her off into a huge rant, only to pull her up after she's run out of breath to tell her "yes I was there". If they push my buttons, I'll push theirs. I don't trust them or their agenda. I don't think they care for the welfare of their clients. I think they care for box-ticking. I'm going to a harm reduction and stabilization group tomorrow but only because I myself really want to go. Nothing to do with Buta pushing me. I actually realized I was interested in seeing what this rehab is all about But Buta killed that interest stone dead by pushing the point far too hard. I've only been her client for 2 weeks and already she's treating me like some incorrigable deadbeat of yore. The bitch doesn't even know me!

If she carries on being so out of order, it's FORMAL COMPLAINT TIME :-( I don't wanna do that, but I shall do if I need to ....

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am so pleased you have new glasses and that they work and suit you. Things might take on a new life of their own. Glad it was lovely and sunny over there. It sure isn't here - our top temps are around 11 or 12 C which is about 51 to 53 F. I am doing well thank you.
Please try and do well yourself and
get better - try to ignore Buta as much as you can. Just do what you have to to be well again. Take care
Love, Merle.

Gledwood said...

I'm getting new sunglasses too. Now I've given up on contact lenses I bought prescription sunglasses (the sort that darken outside, then look faintly dodgy indoors because the tint doesn't fade 100%). But I'm fed up of being dazzled on the street. It's amazing how much better I feel now that I can see without having to put on a knackered pair of skewed specks. I'm thinking of getting my hair cut now and buying some new clothes... Wow!

Yes it's TOO HOT here. Sweltering. Especially at night.

Because I don't use any heroin at all now I don't get as sweaty, so that's another good thing about "sobriety"...

Sid said...

Im really crap at replying to comments.. but really wanted to say to you..

I really think you should slow down with the taper! Honestly the half life of methadone is so scary.. you wont feel a drop for weeks after sometimes.. think about every daily dose building up on the next one.. maybe at first you can go fast but at some point your gonna hit a brick wall.
Just dont take it for granted.. when i did it, I always told them I was on more than i was so I always had extra.. i always had to split dose too as it never held me 24 hours.. when i got down to like 15mls this was really difficult and thats when i swapped to subbies..
I understand wanting to get off fast but please think about slowing down a bit.. I could only manage 1ml every few days.. it took me 18 months to get off but it worked! I think your shooting yourself in the foot if u go too fast and risking relapse if you start craving cos your underdosed and havent become accustomed to the dose... please think about it.. Maybe u can go fast at first but id def start to slow down around 60mls.. just remember the ridiculous half life....
good luck mate..get in touch if i can help you with anything.. ie mst advice...

Sid said...

My keyworker is called Busola.. I call her bubola.. i dont think she has the slightest interest in drug addicts, she toold me in fact she couldnt find a job and this was all she could get.. great eh..



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood