I JUST SPOKE TO A SENIOR CARE PERSON at the druggie service. Buta, apparently IS the Titration Nurse. (A titration nurse is a Senior Torture Operative, somebody specializing in giving subtherapeutic doses of substitute medication to opiate addicts).Bloody hell if that's what a nurse is like I'd hate to run into a 100% unqualified person.
I agree with the Senior Care Person that, having used on top of my script, I'm not totally stabilized, so I'm going to the stabilization seminar. That was the only one that really appealed to me anyhow. I didn't go to the rehab one as I don't want to go to detox/rehab ~ except as a very last resort. I want to cut down methadone "in the community" and then either switch to Subutex or simply tail off methadone to nothing. I don't mind which. But detox and rehab are heavy going options. I found their reduction programmes too steep for me. My insomnia was so bad, I didn't sleep at all in those places, which wouldn't bother me if I could just get up and start the day at 2am, the way I usually would ~ but you were supposed to stay quiet for the benefit of everybody else who was sleeping (including the night staff). So I was depressed with "suicidal ideation" with nobody to talk to. "Ideation" really is just ideas so talking probably does help. If I ever go to such a place again I'd pick one specializing in "dual diagnosis" (addicts with mental health "issues"). At worst I could end up the sanest person amongst a bunch of loonies. But at best I'd be in the right place to have a "breakdown".
My risperidone is kicking in. I know this after a man wheeling a toddler in a pushchair muttered, "Bleedin' 'ell, mate. Wake up!" as I zombied past. I felt like a zombie last week (which is probably what irritated Buta so much) ~ and that was without risperidone. With it I'm like the walking dead. One of my coping mechanisms is to disengage. I do it naturally. The "thousand yard stare"... that's me.I don't know why this is but I seem to get MORE psychotic-like phenomena the first few days back on that stuff. That's happened twice before. Does anybody know why that could be? It's not giant, technicolour visions I'm seeing. Just voices talking random words now and then. Like thoughts pushed sideways into my mind. I don't know whether this stuff will ever go away. Good job it doesn't bother me too much. What bothers me most is 1. anxiety 2. depression 3. agitation 4. paranoia 5. mood swings. But I think all the stuff now I get is very low-grade so I cannot complain.
Well I've got to go. I DID NOT TAKE that Valium I was talking about (last post). I forgot to do it. Then remembered. Then reminded myself "if you're able to forget about it, it cannot be so overwhelmingly pressing" so I avoid avoid avoided. I think Valium is strictly for emergencies only and Buta doesn't deserve the Honour of being Valium-worhy.
The Senior Person I spoke to mentiond that Buta was a nice person. Now this isn't something that had to be said. So maybe it is true. What I picked up from Buta wasn't horribleness it was Bemusement. There's a mental block that separates us. Possibly I was doing a lot of "thousand yard stares" without noticing... Who knows? Unfortunately as she's Titration Nurse, there's nobody else who can "work" me apart from the doctor. That is, until I'm Stabilized.
So my goal now is to stabilize as fast as possible, never to use any heroin ever again and to go to this one group that sounds OK. You never know, it might be really good fun. I quite liked group work in rehab. It's being forced into groups I disagree with. So I will try. I will try. I will try ... Wish me luck. I might well need it ...
8 comments:
I sincerely hope you succeed my friend. x
thanks!
Best of luck Gleds. I hope that the never again will stick this time.
I'm far more motivated now I feel some actual DIALOGUE has taken place. Some bitch bullying me only makes me determined not to do anything she wants (even if, without her pushing me into it, I'd want to do it anyhow). So Buta is being entirely counterproductive. I'm going to see what she has to say for herself next session. I'm sure my "confidential" phone call will have reached her all-hearing ears...
She told me she knows who has been to what group therapy session because there's a visitors' book we're all supposed to sign. So I'm doing a squiggle that looks nothing like my ordinary signiture to confound Buta into thinking I've not been. I'd love to set her off into a huge rant, only to pull her up after she's run out of breath to tell her "yes I was there". If they push my buttons, I'll push theirs. I don't trust them or their agenda. I don't think they care for the welfare of their clients. I think they care for box-ticking. I'm going to a harm reduction and stabilization group tomorrow but only because I myself really want to go. Nothing to do with Buta pushing me. I actually realized I was interested in seeing what this rehab is all about But Buta killed that interest stone dead by pushing the point far too hard. I've only been her client for 2 weeks and already she's treating me like some incorrigable deadbeat of yore. The bitch doesn't even know me!
If she carries on being so out of order, it's FORMAL COMPLAINT TIME :-( I don't wanna do that, but I shall do if I need to ....
Hi Gleds ~~ I am so pleased you have new glasses and that they work and suit you. Things might take on a new life of their own. Glad it was lovely and sunny over there. It sure isn't here - our top temps are around 11 or 12 C which is about 51 to 53 F. I am doing well thank you.
Please try and do well yourself and
get better - try to ignore Buta as much as you can. Just do what you have to to be well again. Take care
Love, Merle.
I'm getting new sunglasses too. Now I've given up on contact lenses I bought prescription sunglasses (the sort that darken outside, then look faintly dodgy indoors because the tint doesn't fade 100%). But I'm fed up of being dazzled on the street. It's amazing how much better I feel now that I can see without having to put on a knackered pair of skewed specks. I'm thinking of getting my hair cut now and buying some new clothes... Wow!
Yes it's TOO HOT here. Sweltering. Especially at night.
Because I don't use any heroin at all now I don't get as sweaty, so that's another good thing about "sobriety"...
Im really crap at replying to comments.. but really wanted to say to you..
I really think you should slow down with the taper! Honestly the half life of methadone is so scary.. you wont feel a drop for weeks after sometimes.. think about every daily dose building up on the next one.. maybe at first you can go fast but at some point your gonna hit a brick wall.
Just dont take it for granted.. when i did it, I always told them I was on more than i was so I always had extra.. i always had to split dose too as it never held me 24 hours.. when i got down to like 15mls this was really difficult and thats when i swapped to subbies..
I understand wanting to get off fast but please think about slowing down a bit.. I could only manage 1ml every few days.. it took me 18 months to get off but it worked! I think your shooting yourself in the foot if u go too fast and risking relapse if you start craving cos your underdosed and havent become accustomed to the dose... please think about it.. Maybe u can go fast at first but id def start to slow down around 60mls.. just remember the ridiculous half life....
good luck mate..get in touch if i can help you with anything.. ie mst advice...
My keyworker is called Busola.. I call her bubola.. i dont think she has the slightest interest in drug addicts, she toold me in fact she couldnt find a job and this was all she could get.. great eh..
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