HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Tonkie Ears Returns!


TONKIE EARS MY MANIC HOUSEMOUSE has returned. Scuttling amongst my possessions most of last night and rustling merrily away... Somewhere, deep under my bed, he found something particularly crinkly and loud to amuse him. Then he found something to eat and was nibbling voraciously away until well past sunrise. At last I saw him emerge, perky-eared and beady-eyed at dawn. He pinged off in the direction of the kitchen and hasn't been seen since. Probably he took his mousey anti-manic pills and has been luxuriating in a deep furry sleep ...

I've discovered some lookeylikey pictures of the tiny Tonkie Ears. Isn't he tiny and cute?

I've had enough of posting my confused feelings surrounding not using drugs, at least for now. I've only used gear once in the past week. It barely does anything when I do use it. While I cannot convince myself that using opiates is inherently "wrong" I do think it's wrong for me. For all the "medicating" I may (arguably) have done to myself, it's my belief that heroin puts a lid on happiness at best (hence the mood-stabilization aspect). At worst it leaves those enslaved to it in misery and squalor. And though there are treatments licensed and used for a minority in this country, and though they might have helped me a great deal if only they'd been made available, I'm more interested in getting off all opiates altogether than lobbying for better maintenance therapy which will only prolong my addiction. I don't see methadone dependency as any better than heroin addiction. I'm fretting already that my new clinic won't be willing to cut down my script steeply enough. I want a 1mg a day reduction ideally. I don't see that I'd feel a single milligram a day when I'm still on over a hundred. As my old pharmacist pointed out, you could spill one milligram and not notice it. So it's OFF OFF OFF for me.

The summer has been beautiful here in London. Sun is shining. The weather is sweet. It's high, high summer, like a Caribbean spring ... I'm thinking of investing in some of those self-tinting Reactions lenses. Only £70 for another pair of glasses. I could easily have blown that on gear, so what's the big deal..?

EastEnders' Cindy Beale is in Coronation Street (big news). I'm still at a dead loss over what to chuck out and what to keep in this Great Clearout of mine... Stuff is lying everywhere. I'm dreading moving house, yet I really want to go. Up up and AWAY as soon as humanly possible. Those are my goals. 100% drug-free and living somewhere nice. Then I can do something ... something amazing with my life. WATCH OUT CRUEL WORLD. You will pay for what you've done to me!!

(My memoirs; Valerie's memoirs... bookshops of the world will be groaning in misery wishing Gledwood was still on heroin and too mentally impaired to pen two coherent words together..!)

I hope y'all had a cheery cherry bakewell of a weekend...







Driving on drugs: methadone (with links to most other drugs).

8 comments:

Baino said...

Hope yours is shaping up well too Gleds. Back to work this morning after I get my tyre repaired. I drove up to the shops with a completely flat one and wondered why things felt bumpy. Think I'm turning blonde! As for the mouse? Ugh. I know they look cute but they poo and wee everywhere.

Gledwood said...

Yeah mice are permanently incontinent, so I heard!

And you said the glasses were dodgy yesterday. I think the haircut looks like a rug...

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, I've been having a break from blogging, thought I'd come over and take a look at Tonkie Ears but now I'm interested in who Cindy Beale is with in Coro - only the tops of their heads have loaded and I'm guessing Peter Barlow????

Janice said...

Our cat caught a mouse but left it alive sitting by our front door. Daughter and I bought a cage and food for it, only to have the little thing die on us a few hours later.

Janice~

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I was wondering where you got to... Do they watch Corrie in Australia? I heard it's quite popular in Canada. I wondered for years why whenever somebody went away from Weatherfield for a couple of years Canada seemed to be the destination ~ I now know why... yeah I think that's Peter Barlow. No idea what their connexion is. I only watched the 1st 2 episodes after she appeared, then rapidly got bored of it. Only soap I watch is EastEnders and one called Doctors that comes on after the One O'Clock News....

Janice: our cat once brought home an entire nest of baby birds; that was like something out of a horror film... Did you know rodents live an average of twice as long in captivity as in the wild and I'm not surprised being as just about everything seems to "predate" them :-(

bugerlugs63 said...

I,m so pleased that mouse has imposed himself on you . . think its just what u needed. i know U dint want to get more robos in case you get carted off or even cart yourself off,
but u dont have the worry with tonkie ears, he will survive. Perfect. I felt a bit worried for the tiny brown mouse on your photo when I noticed he sitting on someone wearing a"lab-coat" with extremely hygenic looking hands & nails (maybe a scientist)
trying to look like he gently holding the mouses tail . .
I started to take some photos of the "white pups" tonight and i dropped my sons camera :-( o, he says i've broken he screen, in that it still works,but u gotta guess what u taking the photo of (roughly) hmmmm. I gotta take them soon as they just turning beige with a streak of grey down the back. but their faces are totally white (they look like seal pups) I gonna have to keep at least two.
So hope you still feeling half way good?
and taking some care
with love
di

Gledwood said...

I can't get into Facebook. I'll report back soon as it lets me in. Bloody computers!

Gledwood said...

Yeah! I just got in. How cuuuuuute!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood