HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Why?


THERE'S NOT MUCH TO SAY about Amy Winehouse. What can you say?

It always got me that she was supposedly signed to do the James Bond theme. But couldn't get it together to produce one single song. With all the help and backup she gets. Not even five minutes of recorded sound.

I wonder what did actually kill her. Maybe it was suicide. Or was it slow suicide? Or was it purely an accident?


13 comments:

Janice said...

She probably over dosed. I imagine we'll find out soon.

Gledwood said...

I'm curious too. One report said bad Ecstasy. Who knows?

Syd said...

Sad to say that when a person plays with fire, some burning occurs. As I have heard in Al-Anon, don't ask why, say why not?

Akelamalu said...

The post mortem takes place today so we'll find out tomorrow no doubt. My guess is a drugs overdose - inevitable I'd say, it was just a matter of time. Shame. :(

I hope you get clean Gleds, I'd hate for you to follow in her footsteps. x

Gledwood said...

Syd: that sounds like a good saying

Akelamalu: I haven't used anything bar very tiny amounts in months, last time I took "heroin" I felt nothing I haven't the veins left and have had enough of the whole thing so I'm glad not to be doing it now !!

Barbara said...

Its too late for why's. Its very sad. I just hope that her life was not in vain and that other's will choose not to walk this path.

Bimbimbie said...

Tragic waste of an amazing voice.

Lou said...

Gleds, I think posting that awful picture of her is not like you. She is dead, and there but for the grace of God go you.

LL Cool Joe said...

I heard today that it could at least 4 weeks before we know how she died. I'm assuming that's to just let things calm down a bit first. I can't imagine it will really take that long.

Lori said...

Gleds,

I,too posted about her. I loved her voice. I can only begin to imagine what her life must have been like. How can somone even attempt to get clean when they are surrounded by predators and freeloaders. Those types don't want you well. They thrive in the sickness of your addiction as it feeds their need. I hope she is finally at peace. Her voice was phenomenal...

Gledwood said...
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Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Barbara: it's true if she puts off one person from dabbling she's at least done something. I was thinking at the time during her bad years imagine if the whole world knew what you were up to? That's just too much... I don't know how she handled her state of mind and state of being being splashed all over the news as they were...

Bimbimbie: she was a one-off

Lou: I never thought of it like that. I felt I somehow knew Amy Winehouse. I don't know why... there's big mystery as to why she died when people said she was doing so well. I think drink was her biggest poison not actually drugs.

LL: they cremated her yesterday so they must have a very good idea of what it was. I've had friends who died in just slightly mysterious circumstances (ie not an overdose, yet they used drugs and just died) and they were kept in the morgue for weeks... so they must know for absolute certain what it was

Lori: she's the only singer from recent times whose stuff I did go out and buy. Her CDs are amazing

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood