HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, July 08, 2011


This is a picture inside my manic brain.

I'm feeling a little manic as we speak. I love the spectacular energy. The razzle-dazzle. The excitement.

My life is like a work of art.

I am a work of art.

I love living like this.

Here you see the meaning of life ~ which is but a dream... Truly wondrous, astonishing, a neverending phantasmagoria of amazingness...

I hope life is beautiful to you, too...


JJ said...

Nice visuals,man

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

wow...no wonder people don't wanna go on drugs that will make them more "even" or whatever ...whoa... :) so, is the crazy, psychedelic visual stuff on the upper-right (oh, i hope it's really there and i'm not hallucinating, lol) of your blog also your brain on Mania? i dig deejay kitty too :) my cat wants his (her?) skills...

Gledwood said...

JJ: aye

Tatyana: that's the thing, heroin DID make me very stable and I had only the vaguest tinges of hyperosity on it (though I could feel the tides changing even on heroin)... OFF heroin my moods swing far more. I've had mood swings for years and have had people telling me I'm "hypomanic" as far back as 15 years ago (I knew hypomania was mild bipolar mania and frankly didn't believe them)... ever since I came off gear last December my moods have been very volatile indeed so I feel a bit manic now. Haven't slept all last night; it's just after 7am now and I'm just not tired.

I'm REALLY looking forward to today's Group Therapy. Said I'd be into it if I was a bit manic didn't I.

It's group therapy when depressed I can't handle. Feeling shitty and paranoid like I've got dog turd dripping down my head. No thanks!

bugerlugs63 said...

Really hope 2days group therapy goes well.
nice to see life is beautiful for you (at last) and long may it remain :-)
Got a bit of hamper-tale to tell . . .but it can wait.
Enjoy it while its good . . .jhope you have a truly amazing, uplifting and encouraging day.
much love
wv; beardsly (sly beard?) ;-)

LL Cool Joe said...

Hi thanks for visiting my blog and your comments. Interesting. I may come back to it again on my blog if it doesn't bore my other readers to death. :D I could talk about music all day long. :D

Now I need to read it bit more here to get to know you better.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Stay in beauty, Gleds.

jams o donnell said...

I get something a little bit like this when I forget to take my anti depressants.

Gledwood said...

Buggerlugz: tell me this robo story then!

Hey if I wanted some tame babies would you be able to send me some (at some point)? I'm not asking for now, it's just something I was thinking about when I nearly bought that "robin" yesterday...

The group was BRILLIANT. Organized chaos. Like you'd expect group therapy to be like in prison. It was fantastic!

LL: you definitely should open a debate on whose voice is best. It's a contentious subject of our times! And also the kids of today don't even know who Streisand and Whitney really ARE. Beyonce just is not in the same league. She has some power, but not the colour. It's tone-colour that distinguishes a good voice from a really superb one and that's what Whitney had and Barbra Streisand had. Even Celine Dion has something special. I'm NOT talking about choice of material btw, purely voice-as-instrument.

Taffeta: I'll try!

Jams: what? Hyper? Or angry?... Hang on how was I? This was the day before yesterday, I've forgotten... O dur. Fireworks. See I can't see what I'm commenting on bc of this pop up window. How does forgetting antidepressants do that for you?

You do know that ceasing antidepressants suddenly can kick of mania in susceptible individuals. Also taking anti Ds can make you manic if you're bipolar or bipolar-sensitive. Which explains all the agitation, insomnia and hyper stuff I used to go through on the blighters!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood