HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Freshly squeezed


The Council are supposed to be coming round. Right while I'm supposed to be at this antidrugs group. So I'm avoiding both by blogging at a secret location and trying not to feel too nauseated by my compulsorily glugged-all-at-once methadone.
I don't know what's wrong with it, but the new brand, although it tastes far nicer, makes me wanna puke for an hour after taking it. Puking and methadone do not mix for obvious reasons. So the whole thing's nasty business.

This afternoon I've an appointment with the methadone doctor as I'm on "such a high dose". All I wanna do is come off it. I don't care it it makes me ill in the process. Addicts are supposed to feel ill aren't they? And it'll give me more to complain about, won't it? I mean, where ja think the phrase "whining junkie" comes from anyway..?

Aside from this I am in a very bad mood. I wish I hadn't said what I said yesterday. I wish I had lied and said all was sunny. It is sunny. Everywhere but inside my head. I took off my dark glasses thinking maybe they're making me depressed, cutting out the light and all. But I doubt they're the cause, bearing in mind I was feeling fantastic in February ~ not exactly a month known for its long hours of daylight.

The best thing about today is, I get to walk past that petshop that sells wild birds (how do you crossbreed a goldfinch and a canary without illegal trapping playing a part?)

It's a ridiculously hot day. I'm sweating like a swine on Ecstasy pills. I'm glad this methadone is inside me. Means I'm on the coutdown to feeling better, not worse. I cannot believe that a mere 10mg reduction is so noticable. It's not that I wake up feeling horrible (those days are surely to come) but as soon as I get moving around I'm sweating amphibiously and feeling too hot, too cold or both can barely tolerate walking up the road and certainly cannot tolerate buying yogurt from Morrisons except that I force myself to, then I hang out in their carpark feeling pale and wan and soggy, then I skulk into the library where I scan books on irrelevant topics idly for about an hour. My particular favourite is a misery memoir by a doctor who got such bad depression she had to have psychosurgery on the bit of her brain that makes her happy. Cah't recall the title but there's a daisy on the cover. Sometimes I read about pets but those books just make me feel my life is empty without an American Akita so I'm avoiding all reference to feathered and furry friends. No clockwatching is required during this reading, because the methadone takes almost exactly one hour and ten minutes to kick in. On a bad day an hour and a half. If you have a serious habit and have been screwing around with heroin and/or your dose the methadone could take two hours to sort you out. Yet another reason why addicts hate it. Compared to heroin which is instant, methadone feels like a cruel joke.

Anyone who can feel better half an hour after drinking methadone either has a seriously screwy metabolism or is the type of person who can get high on orange Smarties. (Or by incinerating heroin on the end of a crackpipe, I might add.)

Well I've got to go now. My new hobby by the way is bathing. I only shower twice a day but I've got through about half a tube of that dermabrasion scrub. Boy, does it work! I even use it on the soles of my feet. Oh and my roots are showing ALREADY. Being as hair grows at approximately 3mm per week it's not surprising 2mm are already visible. But it is highly annoying.

Well I've got to go. Does anyone know a cure for depression when you've done everything logical not to be depressed and yet you feel like you're drowning?

This afternoon I've got to face Duta who thought I was so happy the other day. I can't tell any of these people how I really feel. They like to flatter themselves that depressives might want to use methadone as a tool for finishing themselves off.

As if!

To any junkie with half a habit, the glass bottle is far more dangerous than the pathetically weak gloop it contains. Do you know I calculated your bladder would probably EXPLODE before you managed to overdose on British strength 1mg/1ml methadone? I seriously doubt 3000mg would kill anyone who could do 1000mg diamorphine in a day, which is what a £100 a day habit translates to. I never used £100 a day for very long but I was able to take that much without batting an eyelid. And they go on and on and on at me that my 110mg methadone dose is "very very high", oh fuck off.

Well I'm going. I hope y'all are doing something nice like gardening. If I had a garden I would grow herbs in pots. I'm not into non-dual-purpose things, me. So herbs fit the bill perfectly gardening wise: they look impressively bushy plus you can chuck them into bubbling hotpots. I would also like to keep bees. It's not just the pun of "B" meaning Afghanistan's best Brown that appeals; I've had a thing about bees going back to childhood and would love to have a box of the buzzy entertainers on my roof terrace. When you go on holiday you could put the hive in your kitchen (with the window open a crack to let the little darlings fly in and out) ~ I mean wouldn't THAT give burglars a shock!!

I've really got to go now and by the way my feet really stink. I do have new trainers (new as in fished out of a bin new but they don't have holes in the soles like my present pair)... but don't want to sully these up with my rotting extremities ~ know what I mean? Not until at least four tubes of Tinaderm have been between my toes.

Well I'm off. Happy gardening.


I watched this when I woke up at midnight a few days ago...
A piss-take on the British party isle of Ibiza, this film has a better soundtrack than any other....



Baino said...

Stick with it sausage. Be thankful that the heat is transient. Damn those roots. Mine are grey these days, it's a bugger.

bugerlugs63 said...

well you might like the donkey if note else :-)

bugerlugs63 said...

sorry, posted that before I read you were still down :-( might cheer u up ? doubt it! more likely aggravate the hell out of you (but then again, what wont?) Trainers will MAKE your feet rot. Leather flip flops £2 in indian shops. I know you wont listen.
Flowers are more than dual purpose. But wont go on cus I'm getting on your nerves (don't flatter yourself bugerlugs, you are of no consequence) yes, I can hear you. BUT to name just two purposes, They look beautiful and . . .attract BEES :-) bye

Gledwood said...

BAINO: I've got fucking grey hair too. Never noticed it cept in me facial hair until I clippered the whole lot off and there it was ~ white amongst the chestnut vacuum cleaner dust colour. Terrible business. I'm OK I'm just fucked off at just about everything which makes me not want to post anything because whatever I say I'll find fault. I was going to go to an antidrugs meeting this morning but really couldn't be fucked and it would have been a rush and I'd have ended up in trouble of some sort bc the council were coming round... in the end I avoided both council and meeting by blogging ha ha har!!

BUGGERLUGZ: ok I've not the faintest idea what that's all about, but I'll have a look for that tonkie...

Gledwood said...

Trainers make my feet rot?

Yeah I USED to wear leather sandals but they reeked so fucking bad when I wore them without socks seriously I once ponged out the top deck of a bus all on my own. Fucking ridiculous. I seriously need to invest in some antifungal/antiathetetesfoot/antiodour stuff and apply it with gusto then I can at least TRY wearing some of these lovely new shoes I've got. Some are business shoes. Some, admittedly, are trainers. You girls are lucky you've a socially aceptable choice of shoes. If I had the choice I'd wear Nike sandals. Don't they look fantastic. I have URGENT need of a ciropodist though. Big time. It's not just that my nails are in a terrible probably infected state my feet are just putrifying from the inside out.

Hey you know since I dyed my hair my fingernails are clean as can be and all my dandruff has gone! Nobody told me that would happen. But is that an official side effect of bleached hair?

Everyone thinks it's a professional job. They're convinced I couldn't have done something so snazzy myself. I look at women's dye jobs on the bus and think hey that's not as good as mine! But nobody's hair will ever be as good as mine. That's one thing I'll never change my mind about. No matter how bipolar I go. And I do believe I've got bipolar disorder btw, not fucking schizoaffective. Or to put it another way if I am schizoaffective I'm only mildly so. I'd say I have severe mania, moderate depression and mild schizophrenia. So there we psychiatrically go. Better than severe schizophrenia and mild mania ~ know what I mean!!

bugerlugs63 said...

absolutely, couldn't agree more, or less :-)
bowl of hot water & "squirt" household bleach (yes) scrub with nail brush all over & soak so nails soften then hack away at thm. Keep up the soaking & scrubbing & they will get better. When Hamper G's dad moved in years ago I had to do this to his feet . .they were the worst ever! & believe me I had seen/smelt some feet. He had no knees so he couldn't sort his feet (not that he would have, even with knees) I finally had to use a junior hacksaw to saw off what his toenail had become!! it was like a chunk of tortoise shell :-) And then just baby talc after the scrubbing (keep them as dry as poss)do keep us updated x

bugerlugs63 said...

yes thats an official side effect of bleached hair & nails . .so imagine the effects of bleached feet! serious though daily soakings, or twice daily & get a pumice stone they only couple quid. Yes Nike sandals lovely x

bugerlugs63 said...

ps (I know)
when I say a "squirt" of bleach. we probably reduced to a squirt over two weeks, I reckon we started with a good cup full + any other household cleaner we could find at the time. in other words "don't be shy". If you find it dries your skin a bit, just rub with vegetable oil, olive oil, whatever oil u might have in your flat??
ok byee x

bugerlugs63 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

yes nike sandals lovely. yes hair bleach stops dandruff. i went to my private doctor yesterday. got my morphine. got treated like a valuable human being(yes i know im paying them but its better than the opposite) really gledwood, i hate thinking of you on meth, having to deal with those twats. go private!!! i cant tell you how much better my life is.my sister has a condition like yours and AA totally exacerbated it. ill be reducing my morphine when i choose at the rate i want to and using dihydracodein for the last bit. my e-mail mrspoppyhead@hotmail.co.uk.

Liz said...

I have a black swan just for you on my blog. We saw three of them yesterday in Dawlish.

I've chatted to two women recently who've both been off methadone for about 2 years. The change is incredible so stick with it, - oh i nearly called you garfield then! what does that say about me? Or you for that matter?!!

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I got my toes all banged up wearing them.
I don't know how to find happiness but I never quit trying to find it and if not than at least a sense of peace...
Take care,

molson said...

Nom. Nom. Nom.

Janice said...

Sorry your feeling down. I get down sometimes and just try to muddle through.

I've been gardening in pots. My old regular garden plot got shortened a couple years ago and this year I've done a damn thing to it.

I'm thinking of having hubby buy me some flowers. He pulled out my old ones when he raked up after trimming the bushes. And that was the only part I had managed to weed.


Gledwood said...

BUGGERLUGZ: yeah I think I will have to use a pumice stone. Do you think Wilkinsons sell 'em?

ANON: I would go straight down Colin Brewwer's old clinic if only I had the dosh. I'd ask for injectable methadone with MST top up.

If they did injectable morphine obviously I'd ask for that. I know they don't do injectable diamorphine maintenance because their website explicitly states that they don't.

Thanks for the email I'll get in touch when I feel less like crawling into bed and never coming out y'know...........................

LIZ: it's being OFFF methadone that's the key. SHITTY stuff that it is. Why the fucking hell the government gives junkies something they know is MORE ADDICTIVE THAN HEROIN really defeats any powers of logic even an addled junkie brain has left. Fucking BASTARDS ALL OF THEM

TAFFETA: I gave up trying to be happy years ago I just get pissed off when other people's solutions don't work. You know when you can FEEL your moods like the weather you know that a cosmetic change in your life is not probably going to do that much, just like an umbrella isn't going to stop it raining. It might keep the rain off, but it won't stop rain falling...

or something like that

AEROPLANE MAN: fala Portuges?

JANICE: you're a woman after my own heart ;-)

BUGGERLUGZ: I might well try that footbleaching thing. Fucking feet. Why do they have to be so rank and gross...??!?



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood