yes and then going off on my merry way doing exactly as I pleased. But this one's different. We've only had 2 sessions and things are already bad. She uses exactly the same lines as Maple Syrup. If you don't go to these groups, I'll know... I won't give you your script unless you go... She's even more bullying than Maple and far ruder. And I thought "service users" were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect..? So I'm finding out who's in charge of this new place and putting my complaint in writing. I'm fed up of drugs workers who barely understand methadone dosing, let alone mental "health" issues... Ideally I want a dual diagnosis specialist, but I doubt the new place even employ one.I'm trying not to let this get to me, although I am back on the Valium. Surprisingly it made me feel better. I had to take 2 pills. One to cure the post-Buta blues; the second to sleep on risperidone. Risperidone doesn't put me to sleep but once I do sleep, it keeps me under. I slept so long last night I would have missed today's meeting anyway. I'm going to try the detox/rehab meeting. I wish Buta hadn't pushed the point the way she did. She's killed what little enthusiasm I had for these seminars. If they're any good I will go again (I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face). But the main reason I'm going is to be able to say I've done your meetings, I've done endless ones at the old place. I've done six years of counselling outside that. My psychiatrist doesn't think
counselling is the appropriate treatment for me (he said that). If Buta has issues about this, she should take them up with my doctor. Whenever I think about this I feel wound up. I've started using heroin again. I don't think Buta cares about my welfare at all. I think she's uncomfortable dealing with "psychiatric" cases. And I don't think she wants to work with me. So I'll be doing her a favour when I insist on a change.Does anybody know how these druggie clinics work? Surely I have the right to change workers if my present one is rude and objectionable?... Advice, please!
No other news. I've got to go; I need another Valium. In fact I'm thinking of taking my risperidone early so I can go beddy-byes.
I'm taking the risperidone again because I found out it is used as "monotherapy" in schizoaffective depression and psychotic depression. I don't think I'm really "psychotic" but I do feel depressed and cannot break out of it.
I'm not sure I want mood stabilizers. At worst they would turn a choppy sea into an inland lake. I like my waves. Or rather: I like the ones that take me higher.
I sometimes described heroin as a mood stabilizer in this blog. It did indeed seem to have an antidepressant effect that methadone lacked. But like the "official" psychiatric meds which commonly lose efficacy over the course of time, heroin doesn't seem to work any more. I feel pretty much the same on methadone. The other effect of heroin seems to be that it kills joy. How many joyful junkies have you ever seen? The gear appears to put a lid on happiness. I don't want a lid. I want a floor below which depression will not sink. I want to get off this nasty methadone. Many of the professionals believe methadone does have some mood stabilizing or antidepressant effect, which means without it I'd be more unstable than ever. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. And like I've said before, I'd taper myself off at a rate of a fraction of a milligram per day over the last few weeks. Of course the clinic wouldn't understand this, much less prescribe for it. But I understand it. It's my body and I'll do as I please.The only good thing I have to say about this new methadone clinic is that they are at least cutting down my juice every single week. Buta refused a 1mg a day reduction then wrote up a 10mg drop ~ which is steeper ~ so much the better! I have a tiny stash of spare juice in case I do ever feel withdrawals but I don't expect to feel anything until well under 50mg.
Nothing else to put today. If anyone has anything inspirational to tell me, please comment.
8 comments:
Gleds the bottom line is that you're one of many clients she has to deal with every day. I'm not defending her and there's no need for rudeness but you need to help as well. At the end of the day it's a job for her. She goes home, makes dinner, does her washing and gets on with her life. You need to do the same. At least she's obliging by reducing your dose, you need to stop falling back on drugs whatever they are, every time someone disagrees with your way of thinking. Sorry for being preachy but these people are here to help if you let them. Trust me, they're not in it for the money. The pay sucks.
I think that Baino has good points. I am sure that she has heard the same song from many addicts. I do believe that she is wanting to help you and is stating the facts as she sees them. It might be good to go with what she says.
And I think you have a right to feel a certain empathy with the person who's supposed to be helping you come off a difficult drug.If she's a bully or you feel bullied then I am pretty sure that in the past i have been told that i can change workers.Well,you have done so chin up and start writing your letter of dismissal...!or maybe just complain to the relevant authority?It is a difficult job granted but there are some workers who still manage to inspire.I hope you find one.I did and she got me thru my pregnancy practically clean cos she was good and i wanted to work with her for the sake of my child.She was tough too,which i was grateful for cos i needed to hear some home truths! Annie x
She can't claim I'm not motivated as it's me who comes in asking for a reduction. It's the first thing I say "please cut it down again".
The groups are all about box-ticking. I don't think she knows what to do with me and we do not click. I want another worker.
I've just phoned them and asked would the manager please call me back. I'm waiting on a phone call from a "senior practitioner"...
Have you ever thought of getting on Suboxone? Maybe you've blogged about it but I don't remember seeing anything on that. I've been on subs for 4 years and it does have an anti-depressant effect for me. Granted, I will skip weeks at a time and take a way a lower dose than I'm prescribed. I know there are a lot of negatives to subs, but having an Rx has really helped me. I never worry about being sick. I'm in the US so the health care system is kind of a racket. My Dr. is really nice and he doesn't make me go to meetings, although he encourages it. He sees that I'm better off than I was before I got on the oranges so if I'm dirty a few months, he doesn't mind. However, he is making $$ every time I see him for my 12 minute appt.
Anyway, just my 2 cents. I hope things get better for you and you get assigned a more relate-able, sympathetic case worker.
I just found out today Buta is the titration nurse so I'm fucked as far as changing workers goes!
I've been on Subutex years ago. It worked really well for a short time.
It did give me a kind of manic boost when I first switched over. My sleep went down to 4 hours max every day.
I don't inherently mind that, I'm just a bit cautious about rocking the boat re my medication.
My dose is over 100mg methadone daily so I need to get down to 30 at the most. Ideally I'd switch from something like 15mg methadone or even less.
I'm also into just reducing methadone to nothing... I really don't mind which I do as long as I can get OFF this methadone as fast as possible!
SUSIE: just to clarify:~
"also into reducing this methadone to nothing" means I don't mind whether I reduce methadone down down down to nothing... or switch to Subutex and cut THAT to nothing... on principle I don't really mind which I do. The methadone would be less disruptive as no withdrawal-filled changeover.
But on reflection, if somebody could wave a magic wand over me and put me on Subbies, I'd rather detox off them any day of the year!
baino etc can get to fek...theyve obviously never been treated...im so lucky i went private as the treatment y (working,functioning) friends get on the nhs is absolutely shocking....as for the groups, they are full of bullshitters.
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