I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE BUTA THE BITCH, my new druggie keyworker. Of the ten workers I've had prior to Buta, there was only one who I seriously had a problem with and that was Maple Syrup. I handled Maple Syrup by nodding and smiling yes yes yes and then going off on my merry way doing exactly as I pleased. But this one's different. We've only had 2 sessions and things are already bad. She uses exactly the same lines as Maple Syrup. If you don't go to these groups, I'll know... I won't give you your script unless you go... She's even more bullying than Maple and far ruder. And I thought "service users" were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect..? So I'm finding out who's in charge of this new place and putting my complaint in writing. I'm fed up of drugs workers who barely understand methadone dosing, let alone mental "health" issues... Ideally I want a dual diagnosis specialist, but I doubt the new place even employ one.
I'm trying not to let this get to me, although I am back on the Valium. Surprisingly it made me feel better. I had to take 2 pills. One to cure the post-Buta blues; the second to sleep on risperidone. Risperidone doesn't put me to sleep but once I do sleep, it keeps me under. I slept so long last night I would have missed today's meeting anyway. I'm going to try the detox/rehab meeting. I wish Buta hadn't pushed the point the way she did. She's killed what little enthusiasm I had for these seminars. If they're any good I will go again (I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face). But the main reason I'm going is to be able to say I've done your meetings, I've done endless ones at the old place. I've done six years of counselling outside that. My psychiatrist doesn't think counselling is the appropriate treatment for me (he said that). If Buta has issues about this, she should take them up with my doctor. Whenever I think about this I feel wound up. I've started using heroin again. I don't think Buta cares about my welfare at all. I think she's uncomfortable dealing with "psychiatric" cases. And I don't think she wants to work with me. So I'll be doing her a favour when I insist on a change.
Does anybody know how these druggie clinics work? Surely I have the right to change workers if my present one is rude and objectionable?... Advice, please!
No other news. I've got to go; I need another Valium. In fact I'm thinking of taking my risperidone early so I can go beddy-byes.
I'm taking the risperidone again because I found out it is used as "monotherapy" in schizoaffective depression and psychotic depression. I don't think I'm really "psychotic" but I do feel depressed and cannot break out of it.
I'm not sure I want mood stabilizers. At worst they would turn a choppy sea into an inland lake. I like my waves. Or rather: I like the ones that take me higher. I sometimes described heroin as a mood stabilizer in this blog. It did indeed seem to have an antidepressant effect that methadone lacked. But like the "official" psychiatric meds which commonly lose efficacy over the course of time, heroin doesn't seem to work any more. I feel pretty much the same on methadone. The other effect of heroin seems to be that it kills joy. How many joyful junkies have you ever seen? The gear appears to put a lid on happiness. I don't want a lid. I want a floor below which depression will not sink. I want to get off this nasty methadone. Many of the professionals believe methadone does have some mood stabilizing or antidepressant effect, which means without it I'd be more unstable than ever. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. And like I've said before, I'd taper myself off at a rate of a fraction of a milligram per day over the last few weeks. Of course the clinic wouldn't understand this, much less prescribe for it. But I understand it. It's my body and I'll do as I please.
The only good thing I have to say about this new methadone clinic is that they are at least cutting down my juice every single week. Buta refused a 1mg a day reduction then wrote up a 10mg drop ~ which is steeper ~ so much the better! I have a tiny stash of spare juice in case I do ever feel withdrawals but I don't expect to feel anything until well under 50mg.
Nothing else to put today. If anyone has anything inspirational to tell me, please comment.
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