HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Making a spectacle

OK FINALLY ~ AFTER WALKING ROUND IN A BLUR for months on end due to a pair of broken glasses so wonky they made me look like a human percentage sign %-/ I HAVE NEW SPEXX and look exactly like the guy in the photo. Cept I had less clothes on as I wandered down the high road this sweltering afternoon.

Here's another samey post I bashed out earlier. I don't know whether there's really any point saying any of this. I'm only trying to convince myself I'm doing the right thing by coming off drugs. My brains got confused enough not to know what was right or wrong... so here's what I said earlier...

I only started wearing glasses in a fit of suicidal depression. Yes I hate glasses that much. For years I simply didn't wear them. Or took them off in the presence of anybody important. Eventually in the mid to late 90s soft contact lens technology improved enough that even my fussy eyes would accept them. (Before that I was only able to wear contacts on special occasions; I had to constantly take them out early etc etc. It was the dreaded "daily cleaner" (the only part of the cleaning regime with warnings on the bottle NOT to get it in your eye) that was playing havoc. As soon as they scrapped that and introduced one-step solutions I was fine. To be frank I'd rather get my eyes lasered so I never have to wear glasses or contacts at all. But I do quite enjoy looking intellectual from time to time. And as I get old and knackered anyway there's less point being vain. I usually feel about 85 years old. I was so depressed last week I found myself sitting round pondering how fortunate old people are, knowing how litle time they have left. While I calculate my remaining years like a serial killer in prison, wondering when I'm ever going to be free ...

My main priority now is to get OFF all opiates as quick as I possibly can. I did OK earlier this year on methadone, but I did have a persistently "elevated mood" helping me through. Right when I could really have done with NA as a focus, NA refused to listen to me, assuming that anyone who comes to a meeting hyped up, dishevelled, happy one minute, raging with fury the next absolutely had to be on drugs. Well I think the whole lot of them are hopelessly naive for thinking that. It begs the question, if you believe people are only ever "high" thanks to drugs why give drugs up? Natural highs are far superior to the drug-induced variety. That's why I know I don't need drugs.

If only I could convince myself that heroin was evil, life off gear would be so much easier for me. As it is, I don't believe methadone is any safer or any better than heroin. I'm using it solely as a tool to reduce a habit I got off street gear. Street gear is unreliable; the people who sell it are scumbags. Yes there might have been an element of "self-medication" in my heroin use but I still believe I should be happier without an opiate habit than with one. And I know it takes a year totally opiate free even to begin to feel OK. I'm glad that my moods swing to two opposite poles. This means there's a chance I might actually feel higher than normal off drugs. Most people feel lower. I got a high switching from heroin to Subutex some years ago. I got a little bit hyper reducing from 60mg to 12.5mg over a few days several years ago. So there is hope.

I'm a bit upset with my old methadone clinic for having totally missed my mental health "issues" for several years. I looked up the national treatment guidelines for drug addicts and discovered mental health problems should be highlighted and treated. Instead you get this ceaseless obsession with drugs drugs drugs. That if you give up crack you'll feel a lot better (a lie). That stopping drinking will stop you being depressed (another lie). Nobody ever asked what had brought me INto drug addiction or what I'd done before I was an addict. It seems typical to get a habit in your late teens or early 20s. Not me. I was 28 when I finally got hooked on the "brown". That's 10 years of misery and failed coping mechanisms. As soon as I found heroin I had a focus. Life was suddenly very simple: with heroin I was OK; without it, I wasn't OK at all.

My main reason for getting off opiates (and I see methadone just as much as an addiction as heroin) is that I feel they don't bring happiness. How many truly happy heroin addicts have any of you ever met? I'd like to know. I resent my happiness being in the hands of ruthless criminals and uncaring drug workers. Shane in France

The tragedy is this: the dealers will always get to you before the system. They are better organised and certainly more caring. At least they gain something from you, and so stand to lose if they don't kiss your pains better.

And he's absolutely right. I'm past caring about heroin. I know from experience this is no protection against future wobbles. But I'm protected today. My hatred of the junkie life is keeping me safe. Unless I can do something vehemently there's little point in me doing it at all. I can be quite a vehement person. At times. If only I could put the enthusiasm I once put into heroin into something constructive I could have the world in the palm of my hand...

And that's the real reason I want opiate-free. Addiction is slavery. For a while it was fun. But after the first two years I'd done all I wanted to do. Had the experience. Now all I was doing was repeating it over and over, day after day. Each day felt exactly the same. Hazy. Whenever the haze lifted I was unable to handle Reality. Life hurt too much. Methadone was nowhere near anasethetizing enough for me. And that's why I continued to use heroin. A big reason why methadone works for me today when it didn't before is that the street gear is so much weaker than it used to be. I haven't taken heroin for about five days now and I don't miss it at all. I don't even think about it. When I crave more drugs, I crave methadone, not heroin. Conventionally speaking, this is supposedly a step forward. Only time will tell whether that really is so.

I want a new life now. I've tried a life on opiates and it brought me next to nothing. Now I want to try something else. I have been dreaming about university. Literally having recurrent dreams about day one in the Halls of Residence. I couldn't go back to uni in the UK. I couldn't afford it. But I could go in Germany. I'd like to get qualified for something and the one job I'd really like to do ~ bar sitting at home writing ~ would be translating. The best course of action in the short term would seem to be getting my shoddy German to near mother tongue standard. So that's my goal.

My weight has gone down to 13 stone 1 by the way. That's 183 pounds or 83 kg.

I hope this post hasn't been too boring. I know I probably sound like a stuck record lately. Sorry that's just me. I have to reiterate reiterate reiterate VEHEMENTLY to convince myself I'm doing the right thing. Otherwise, where opiates are concerned, I'd just go on taking heroin till I die ...


Baino said...

Waffle on as much as you like. Please tell me you didn't get those trendoid black rimmed things. I know they're fashionable but they make men look like nerds. Well done with the weight loss. Just watched Requiem for a Dream for the first time. Terrible insight into addiction and falls from grace.

Gledwood said...

No that type of glasses doesn't suit me at all. They're just normal metal not very big ones. I used to have plastic glasses and they looked horrible on me.

I do wear the stupid expression though. And the lack of clothes....

I watched Requiem for a Dream once. I was probably high. I don't remember the point of that film. Everyone knows drugs are bad... so what??

Maureen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood