HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, July 22, 2011

Hi

Friday 20:26 this is getting wordprocessed in advance till I get to the library tomorrow.
I HAVE GONE ON TO A LOVELY EVEN KEEL. Not high. Not low.
I was scared I was getting too high (while I actually was manic) and nearly went into a panic attack. I was experiencing a flight of ideas, as they say. So seeing a bottle of ketchup would make you think ketchup catch-up catch this catch cold catch hold of gold (metal petal: rows of roses) and so on. But Audrey Hepburn calmed me down.

The night before I had stuck my head into a cloud of exhaled crack smoke, just to get a good whiff of it. I wanted to know whether it was good or bad crap and it was indeed crap crack. Which kind of double reinforced why I didn’t actually smoke any. Surely second-hand crack smoke cannot make you crazy? I woke up at 4am next morning you see, in manic paranoia. Really went into one about how the local council are the Powers of Evil etc etc.

I had been getting little flashes of excitement for days. A couple of days before I was so restless I had to leave the library and conduct music outside. (Dancing to an inner beat.) Then I realized cars were swooshing past and people could see me and I thought o fuck you lot. I wasn’t waving my arms around that much. What I actually was doing was smoking a cigarette and playing a stone piano by the broom trees. This wore off within the hour. I was feeling so horrible and depressed that any break from it was a relief quite frankly.

Yesterday night I slept six hours. And I ate an entire Iceland chicken tikka nibbles with rice (one-container version) that’s about 6-800 cals. Yesterday I did better and devoured a whole Iceland sweet chilli chicken pizza and still felt hungry enough in the evening to eat a whole can of Heinz spaghetti bolognaise and a 500ml pot of Polish blueberry yogurt. I found out that “zywe kultury bakterii” means it’s live. Before that I was managing nothing bar huge pots of that yogurt and chicken thighs. And as y’all know I was horribly depressed and I seemed to post nothing bar endless rants. I got seriously bored by my own blog.

I weighed myself on Valium Marilyn’s bathroom scales and found I weigh 191 lbs or about 80kg I can’t remember Valium Marilyn’s digital scales reading but an analogue scales weighed me in at about 13 and ¾ stone. So I’m not underweight, and I’m not fat. I’m at my perfectly ideal weight.

This afternoon I slept another 2 hours. I’m catching up on lost sleep. My head still feels weird it’s like the world is talking to me when I go outside. Anyone talking to anyone else anywhere sounds like they’re talking to me. Sometimes cars and trees and clanking bulldozers on building sites sound like they’re saying hello to me. Yeah I know it’s mad but there are far worse ways of being crazy.

Deshane tells me I can be out of this oppressive borough and in a proper new place BACK HOME WHERE I BELONG back at my old druggieclinic never I hope ever having to set foot on this Godforsaken borough ever again because I absolutely loathe this place and all it has done to me. Messing my life up completely.

Ah! I might have a chance of posting this now. A broadband link has just become available. Take care y’all and I hope you have a cheery weekend.

☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆

8 comments:

Cloudia said...

wishing you Aloha from Waikiki;


Comfort Spiral

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Gledwood said...

;-)...

Liz said...

That's good to hear, gleds. Let's how you can maintain this balance. And keep eating well.

Gledwood said...

Thanks Liz I'm still fairly balanced today in mood. Amazingly.............

Tori said...

Hang in there. I am glad you are eating!

Lou said...

Gleds, you have an indomitable spirit that even heroin/methadone has not been able to kill. Not to mention a sense of humor.

Wishing you a lovely Sunday.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Tori: my appetite has actually gone up... (somehow!)

Lou: not like Amy Winehouse!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood