HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I DIDN'T POST EARLIER because nothing was new and I don't feel well. I've scrapped two long posts because there was too much telling going on. I woke up at 4am going nuts and have since calmed down. The 1959 film starring Audrey Hepburn, Nun's Story, helped calm me. I was getting very manic, and yet still depressed. And paranoid to boot. I only went outside to clear my head out. I am getting free broadband from the library. My trainers have worn through at the soles, letting rain in. Now they smell like camping material that has been stored in a damp barn all winter. They need burning.

I don't know where I am going or what is happening. I am not well. Hey but I'm well enough not to do crack. Somebody offered me crack yesterday and I got more of a buzz knowing I could watch it and smell it being smoked right in front of me and not still not want the shit.

My biggest disappointment is that it has taken me so long to truly realize that heroin, far from helping me in any way, has only ever been one gigantic con. I cannot think of one single example of anybody whose life has been improved by the use of street heroin. I think the gear has just made me sicker than I would have been, because it's become a crutch. So I'm weaker, more vulnerable and more impressionable on a psychic level and that's what psychosis is: psychic overdrive.

I can never know what I would or would not be doing now without the "helping hand" of heroin but I don't think my existence would be the mess it has become on gear, I just don't.

So there's some sanity for you. I've put the rest of what I wrote this morning in cold storage because it's just more mad ranting and I'm fed up of being that way. I cannot tell what is and is not relevant in that state so I just say everything and edit nothing. Hence the literary mess that is me in a full-flown "flight of ideas" (as the doctors call it).

I hope y'all are well!

To those of you on far-flung shores, trainers are sneakers ~ and mine look a bit like this...





Syd said...

Having a good day here. Just stopping by to say Hello.

jams o donnell said...

You can't unmakle the past but without heroin or crack the future WILL be brighter.

LL Cool Joe said...

Good post, you sound pretty together to me.

and those trainers need burning. :D

Lou said...

Gleds, don't they have like a store for poor people where they sell used shoes in good condition? Over here they are called Salvation Army and Goodwill stores.

bugerlugs63 said...

dint u find some shoes?
You defo peaked with the full moon(hairciut/dye) I get this. I know when the moon is full without looking. as soon as I feel creative/hysterical/urge to chop off my hair/a sudden unexplained (and usually totally unjustified) crush??/desire to wear clothes,jewelery,shoes etc that I dont usually wear and other number of "symptons" then I know its close, feel the peak, and know exactly what is to follow. Even my kids know (and take the piss of course) Is that Devs mrs? like being a presenter type thing? Got 16 yr Stropster at home with tonsilitis. "Men" are so crap at being ILL. Hes sat there shouting "I hate being Ill", Ahhh Do you? thats weird, most people love IT! Gods sake, anyway sorry This is a comment box , not "come and moan about your own life" but it could make you feel slightly better that you're not me?? I know you would love the hammy's but "poorly" hormonal,16yr old, manic 4 yr old and bored 12 yr old on school hols . . . well need I say any more. I will use tonight,as I do every night but I can justify it (just like every one else :-) gotta go Stroppy Hungry NOW!!!
Take care,
With love

Adrianna said...

You still can be priest.You like live a quiet life like nun stories.
Ma non can fall in love or get married with a nun.Never mind Anna.

Gledwood said...

Och aye i just tried to leave a really long reply on the neighbours' broadband but it never got through so I will try saving that for tomrorrow. In case it never goes through I just wanna say hi to everyone. Still in the same soggy footwear. Mood normal (wow). I wish I had a hamster though!

Gledwood said...

these are the answers i penned yesterday

SYD: hi! it's raining like burmese blues and porkshire terriers here but i'm ok and having a nice time piggybacking on the neighbours' internet connexion. when it lets me through which is about twice an hour with endless attempts in between as it's such a weak signal

JAMS: aye i cannot believe i was taken in for so long. specially by the heroin

LL: i'm way more together than i was! and i haven't touched any crap today. i was only using that crap i was using because i was down in the dumps now i'm no longer down NO NEED TO USE IT ha ha!

LOU: I'll have to have a look. The main charity shops like Oxfam turn away shoes on grounds of health but some of the others do accept shoes; at least used to... my feet are in such a state i'm scared of sullying up any new pair, know what i mean

BUGGERLUGZ: when exactly was the full moon? it peaked Thursday morning I think yes the early hours of Thursday; Thursday was a v long day. I managed to fone my folks in an ordinary mood by Thursday night because my mood tipped down as in from hyper down to normal on Thursday it feels like another lifetime from this one

yeah most people do love being ill inasmuch as it's an excuse to loll around in nightclothes during the day and watch lots of television. or if you're iller listen to radio 4. or if you're iller than that listen to nurses and bob aimlessly in an oceanic opiated sunrise... i'd rather be mentally ill than physically ill any day of the week, i hate being physically ill then again i don't like being crazed either so it's a bit of a fucker all round do you really think the moon has something to do with it? i've felt really out of it before when it wasn't full moon but that doesn't mean the moon isn't influencing someTHING at someTIMES

the school holidays sounds a nightmare; did you know that is why God made little people sleep longer than grownups just so the parents get some PEACE AND QUIET in the late evenings while their offspring sleep on; even teenagers seem to sleep longer than grownups

i used to sleep for ages in my 20s when i had a job i slept 13 hours a night; i remember going into cycles of sleeping 17 hours a night; when i slept 13 hours a night i had no time literally to do anything at all bar sleep and work and travel to and from work. nothing at all. the only time off was Saturday afternoon after I'd stopped working because I only worked 3 hours on Saturday but every hour God sent on every other day that's why I'm no good at working I think bosses should provide beds and bathrooms for employees so they can live on the job if I ran a company I would have a bedroom kitchen and bathroom in my office and my office would be enormous. I would never go home but live at work and work to live and never do anything bar work. Why not? I've been a lazy bastard long enough. My friend Pinky says I'm "too far gone" ever to be normal and have a job again I wonder if she is right? I used to think I should have been living on the street under this fascist government. The local council are so fascist they make me mentally ill.

Hey you have got the hamsters though. Furry swines!

ADRIANA: I do live a quiet life now. There's a place on a Scottish island where you can go on indefinite retreat, but you have to be Roman Catholic which I'm not so I just have to be a recluse here

Gledwood said...

JOE I haven't burnt the trainers yet but i promise to just as soon as me and atheletes foot cure (bicarb) etc come together!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood