HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I STERNLY REPRIMANDED SPECSAVERS YESTERDAY for not informing me that their buy one get one free offer also applies to prescription sunglasses. I showed the extra frames I'd chosen, pointing out that black does not suit my colouring and that they'd ONLY been selected with the intention of getting the lenses blacked out at some future time when I could afford it, so would they please give me what I would have ordered at the time, if only they'd been professional enough to explain it was available there and then.

After some flustering a surly assistant appeared, forced a smile and informed me I could have my lenses tinted to any colour that suited me. I said I wanted them as black as they would go. She said "ah, but if you're driving that's dangerous" I said "but I don't drive". She said come back tomorrow at 5 and your lenses will be at least 80% tinted with full UV filters.

So I left Specsavers in a very good mood indeed. For £104 I have a pair of especially funky ordinary glasses, a pair of pretty dark shades plus a pair in photochromic brown. Without the special offers that lot would have cost £268 plus a £20 eye test. And Specsavers are by far the cheapest opticians on the high street. Their Reactions photochromic lenses are a THIRD the price of Vision Express's standard Transitions. Vision Express wanted £100 for a simple UV protection and tint; Specsavers charge £12. Most opticians rip their customers for the maximum they can get so I'm sticking with Specsavers. I'm saving up for a few more pairs of sunglasses already. Never again will I be reduced to one single pair of broken glasses that fit me like a percentage sign. Never again will heroin come before life. I haven't taken heroin in well over a week and never intend to touch it again.

Everyone says my hair looks fantastic. They keep asking who did it. Last night I went to NA with Paddster, who has a 40-year habit. The woman who sat next to me said I was very goodlooking and asked whether I was a hairdresser.

I got my dark glasses at 6pm today. There were problems in the technician's lab upstairs getting them dark enough. When they came down my specs looked like genuine sunglasses. Not those half-arsed vaguely tinted ones some opticians try to pass off as prescription tints.

So I went straight round Paddster's to show them off. He said I'm manic. We had smoked salmon bagels with tzatziki dip and lemony drizzles. Beautiful.

Then we walked up the high road to Morrisons and Paddster's friend told me I looked like a pop star.

I applied the rest of the slap last night, having realized in horror that my hair was slightly darker at the back than the front with multitudinous missed bits. So I'm now baby blond supreme. And I do look fantastic with my new shades on, if I say so myself... I hope it's sunny tomorrow. I'm determined to get FULL MONEY'S WORTH from these wonderful dark lenses!!

PS the name of the dye was Schwarzkopf ultra platinum and I'm exactly the colour of the models on the packet. If not blonder ...


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Good to read you sounding upbeat, Gleds. Now we all want to see you in your funky shades!

Baino said...

Well now that you've had your ego boosted, look like a hairdresser and a rock star and have the new shades stick a photo up. Or at least put a profile pic on your facebook page. I got my two for ones at Specsavers too and love them. Nice when you bag a bargain eh?

Lou said...

You are in a great mood. I prefer to think it's the absence of heroin rather than the new shades and hair!

bugerlugs63 said...

Beware of a new addiction . . .this is how Jordan started ;-) (joking)
real pleased that you feeling so good about yourself . .could be lack of gear? hint of mania? new spex & hair? smoking salmon bagels & lemony drizzles!? or . .maybe blonds really DO have more fun!?!
whatever it is . . .long may it last.
look forward to reading more ..
with love

bugerlugs63 said...

hey, not sure if sun out where you are . .so check out facebook (when u got a minute) you may need your shades!
Theres a song that says "my future's so bright . .I gotta wear shades" aint there?

wv; medness!
epsolute medness!!

bugerlugs63 said...

I mean your face book page

John Dsouza said...

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Syd said...

Good for you Gleds. I like your happy mood. I agree with Lou--it may be the drug free mood too, as well as the hair and specs.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I've gone to the birds, literally.
When my cockatiel died this year (I purchased him in 1989)I thought I'd never again own another bird.
I missed the chirps so much that I bought two parrotlets, a pineapple conure (the most quiet of conures) and a parakeet.
The way they chirp all at once really soothes me.
I'm thinking of getting and Indian Ring Neck too in pale blue, but a male as they're more talkative and colorful.
IMO you should get a canary.
best wishes,

Gledwood said...

WELSHCAKES: I'll try and arrange it.... you can see the frames I picked without shades. You know the rule. Sunglasses should be bigger than clear glasses. Tiny-lensed shades do give that Nazi torturer look... so I picked a pair that made me look mildly dorky in plain but blacked up they look positively superior...!

BAINO: when I was pissed off at Specsavers for making me wait 3 weeks on Reactions then NOT TELLING ME I could have had free sunnies when I got my 2-for-1 deal I asked around at competiting opticians and bloody hell Vision express were extorting ONE HUNDRED POUNDS for UV resistant tints. For one thing I do believe it's illegal to tint lenses without adding anti UV these days. Their justification? Specsavers merely dip your old lenses in black ink; Vision Express give you a whole new pair of lenses. Who fucking cares as long as they're dark.... I will try and get some photos done before the dreaded roots start showing which is bound to happen within not much more than a week with my very short hair. Nearest lookylikey is that Billy Idol shot I posted up Wednesday. His hair is about twice as long as mine but I'm thinking of growing mine out to get a mini quiff effect. NOT like Elvis, just summink to style, ya know...

LOU: last 2 times I've taken heroin it made me feel WORSE not better ~ so much for self-medicating. I went and took it today and feel like such an idiot for doing that... BIGGEST waste of time. I slept all day and woke up in the baddest of bad moods. I do't know what I'm going to do with myself if I carry on like this...

BUGGERLUGZ: ukh I'm beginning to think it might have been a touch of the manics. Paddaddaddaddadadadadadadster told me I was acting manic on Tuesday. Then again he was acting like I was really manic about a month before that and I'm convinced I was perfectly normal on that particular day. True my sleep has been all over the place with me getting up in the early hours but I love doing that, specially as I know it's liable to make me even HIGHER.

Whoever describes mania/hypomania in books and on websites, using terms like "high" deserves SHOOTING THOUGHT THE FUCKING HEAD. Wouldn't you agree a manic mood is a more INTENSE mood. I've cried far more in mania than I ever did in depression. My mood can go from crying to raging to deliriously happy to excited as a kid on Xmas day in the space of 15 minutes. So I don't think "I'm manic" unless it's really getting to the point where I literally cannot calm down at all and that's full blown mania, probably with funky psychotic "features" on top. I'm even offended with them for claiming there's something wrong with psychosis. In many people's eyes a psychotic state is merely a window through a third eye into realms of true reality. And besides, it's really entertaining to bound upstairs with the floorboards literally exclaiming "oink boink boink toink doink!" and then the walls telling jokes and my head full of fantasies about a little old lady crouched in my kitchen cupboard supping a cup of tea and Bugs Bunny hiding in my walls with a million pounds. If I'd had a pickaxe I'd have swung for those walls I'm telling you. I've long suspected a good kilo of heroin if not several million pounds to be stashed within them plasterboards..!!

Gledwood said...

JohnD: where do you get the mosquito connexion?

Next time, don't send spam PLEASE. It's corned beef I'm into, as anybody who knows me will vouch...

Syd: I think it was as much the lack of drugs. I have this theory for all the "antidepressant" effects heroin may or may not have it most certainly puts a lid on joy and most certainly perpetuates a depressive cognitive state. And I want none of that. I took the fucking shit today didn't I? After more than a week clean. And nothing came of it bar more sleep. And more depression... TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.


Taffeta: One of the petshops has a huge number of baby budgies in ... I WAS tempted as they do get endearingly tame (they are after all members of the parrot family)... but I had one in my teens and the incessant chirping in a small bedroom is mindblowingly "challenging". Canaries are one thing. They SING like feathery little angels. Budgies chirrup mindlessly. No thanks!

I'd like a parrot though! Anything colourful and not too aggressive's for me ... Specially something that can talk ;-)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood