Wind from the Anus

MY ANUS has been thurping and trumpeting away remorselessly pretty much all day through. I had to hide in the lavatory. Then I got reprimanded for talking into my phone too loudly. I was discussing "personal itching" and the benefits of yeast infection control which caused lots of suppressed smirky cackles. It's always good to have an audience on the old mobile phone ~ know what I mean? Specially when discussing Feminine Hygeine with a roaring lesbian.

I went to my Shoplifters' Relapse Prevention Group where everyone had to "sign in" verbally by stating name and mood. I was the ONLY one who said I was in a good mood. The entire session consisted of me talking at every opportunity because I was hyper and could barely sit still, let alone shut up. Then the guy spoke to me for ages after the sesh was ended. He was horrified at my 110mg methadone dose. He said I have to produce clean urines; then they'll reduce it. They'd bloody better. 110ml is far too much to drink of a morning. It gives me nausea and has probably contributed to my thunderous bowels this afternoon.

Ooo hang on I've got to quack another fart out.

That's a relief. Better out than in as nice old ladies say.

Honestly my backside has given me a subsonic rumbling time today. I was "passing gas" so profusely on my walk home I nearly got blasted under a truck by the sheer windy velocity of a "big one".

I think it's because I haven't eaten. I'm gobbling a Morrisons thincrust Tex Mex Pizza.

I felt so high earlier on I actually WENT OFF ALCOHOL. After all it's only a downer that slows you down, bogs you down and vulgarizes most people considerably.

I'm going to the next Shoplifters' Punishment Group. I call it that because a considerable contingent are being punished on probation and forced into attending. A great debate started up after I declared that in severe addiction, drug use is not a matter of choice: it's automatic. The only choice the addict exercises is the occasional perogative NOT to use. Using comes as naturally as breathing. And if you don't understand that you'll be constantly confounded by the behaviour of drug addicts who know they have other priorities: children, partners, rent etc. Yet drugs always will come first. Even when they don't, they're a close second. Without drugs, outings with the kids, Christmas, holidays etc become near impossible torture.

Oh what is this? I have the intestines of a prize pigfarmer. Thurping away like nobody's business despite the pizza. It's merely rolling mid-stomach on a cushion of sulphurous gaseosity. My anus is like a professional volcanic fumerole. After this chili pizza I'll have the craps like spraying lava to boot!

Well my body is so tired today I actually fell asleep at the traffic lights only to be woken up by some sarcastic Irish builders yelling something about elves under my garden gate. Something like that or maybe I'm just going schizo again. Anyway I'm gonna try putting my head down once more. I've only slept 5 or 6 hours in the last 2 days ~ way too hyped to sleep properly. I'm exhausted.

Too much excitement for one day. No wonder my bowels are trumpeting so poignantly!