HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Blast From the Past: Y/N?

ONCE AN ADDICT, ALWAYS ONE..? Met this old friend a couple of months back who I used to share a house with, along with five other house "mates". She is an actress/teacher/healer. (Some mixture.) Her boyf is what I always thought was a "recovered" cocaine addict. He'd been the chair at NA meetings. Didn't use coke any more. Drank alcohol without seeming to have an alcohol problem. Took the odd couple of Es now and then.

... All these are things NA would view seriously and tell you you'd "relapsed". Some years ago we went to a New Year's party together. It was supposed to be this enormous illegal squat-rave. We drove round Hackney in a cab. He was drunk and being fractious with the driver, who wanted paying in advance. Wouldn't give driver more than half the money. Couldn't find the right place. Eventually we did get to a party. I remember thinking "this is well decked out for an illegal rave" - Grecian pillars made of film-prop type material, beautiful lighting, silky full-length curtains against the otherwise plain-brick walls. I found out at the party's end that we'd inadvertently gatecrashed a club-decorator's private party which explained it all. Anyhow, meanwhile we both took some Es and this guy's behaviour grew from bad to embarrassing. At one point he was on the floor kissing this poor girl's (boot-shod) feet. While I rolled my eyes back to said girl's eye-rolling friends then told him: "Get up, man. She doesn't want to marry you." I had to literally drag him off her. Without detaching her shoe. Which was difficult but I did eventually manage.

Before this incident I had thought this guy was seriously okay and that NA were wrong. Because he'd done all 12 steps in the programme of abstinence. And had (in their eyes) "put a foot wrong" and been okay. Ever since that night I've not been so sure that anyone can be okay once they've been addicted to drugs and use again. Even if it's NOT the old "drug of choice".

Thought I'd throw that little anecdote in there. Anyway, his girlfriend since told me he'd relapsed quite badly on the "charlie" (as they call cocaine round here) and his acting-out had caused massive trouble amongst their friends. But she stuck by him.

Anyway, point two is, she'd run into some of my oldold friends, the ones I had before this heroin ever got to me. I found out my exbestfriend felt guity about "not having helped more" (but what help can you give someone when they're spiralling down, a grown adult, in absolute charge of their own actions? What help CAN anyone else give if that person doesn't REALLY want to change?) I thought this informally passed-on message from my exfriend odd because I'd actually gone and written a bunch of letters to people from my past a couple of weeks before, meaning to restrike-up the friendships. There's no real reason these people shouldn't want to talk. As soon as the drug-habit "got" me I purposefully stayed away to save my friendships. Otherwise I would not have been able to resist continually pleading destitution and asking for money. I know what I'm like. Get away with something like that once and it becomes yet another habit.

I'm not even thinking of seeing these people. I just thought it might be nice to exchange emails. I've still got their parents' addresses. Just haven't worked out what I'm going to do.

5 comments:

Gledwood said...

Ivy I'm going to email you I'm so fucking depressed I just can't think any more.

I will email u 2morrow.

rowan said...

Nice writing in this one. Like your one verbal line. About how she wouldn't marry you. Made me half smile maybe. The end took a surprised turn. Made you sound anxious even insecure. don't apologize so much for your behavior. I like certain things about NA but it's too got problems with its 3% stay recovered rate. I mean it's good to feel belonged to and it helps to have a quasi-religion. But there's too much shame that doesn't.. I don't know the rest of this thought but it's getting too long I'm gonna stop

RUTH said...

I think it would be good for you to take a step back into the past in order to move on in the future.Please don't take it to heart though if they don't respond well.........it will be difficult for them too. Hopefully some will realise that "there but for the grace?".
Rx

Anonymous said...

Nice writing. I think it's good you might fall back on some old friends, they will hopefully stick by you and help you if you want to come clean or something.
I know this other British dude who had a drug addict, he now is clean and has a job.

Gledwood said...

Is it really nice writing? I was trying to write it in my not shopping list style, that's all. It's really much better than usual? O.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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